For Fans of lowbrow humor

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T_Bone0806
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For Fans of lowbrow humor

#1 Post by T_Bone0806 » Thu Aug 14, 2008 9:41 pm

I can't help it. I got this e-mail and I laughed. Then I laughed some more.
So mebbe some of you will laugh, too.


But Oscar Wilde humor it's not, so be forewarned.




How to Poop at Work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it.
We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something
brewing down below.
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable.
For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for
taking a dump at work.




*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so
the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but
doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this.

Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled.

Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.



*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.

Walk in and check for other poopers.

If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be
careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if
they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.



*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in
a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment..
If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.

Pretend it did not happen.

If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee.

It is uncomfortable for all involved.

Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.



*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace.

This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover If this should
happen, do not panic.

Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare
everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.



*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop
hits the water.

This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the
bathroom.

This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.



*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
you have just stunk up the bathroom.

This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts
you.

As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.

Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.



*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is doggone
proud of it.

You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under their arm.

Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before
entering the bathroom.



*THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)* A group of co-workers who band
together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident.

This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet
Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.



*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
can least expect visitors.

Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.

This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.



*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you a re in the stall
and tries to force the door open.

This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur
when taking a poop at work.

If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.

This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.



*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall.

This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd
Burglars.

Very effective when used in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.



*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential
Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall.

This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied.

If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom immediately so the
pooper can poop in peace.



*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident.

If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.



*HAVANA-OMELET* A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee.

Try using a CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.



*AUNT BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever...Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
pot.

An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you
should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.


This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees

SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF~

The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis.

It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from
straining so hard.



Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.



Cement Block = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.



Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush,
it's still floating in there.

How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's
house.



The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before
it falls into the water.



The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so
long your legs go numb from the waist down.



The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you when you're
trapped in your car in a traffic jam.



The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party And when you flush
the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
"#$%&@*&"-Donald F. Duck

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littlebeast13
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#2 Post by littlebeast13 » Thu Aug 14, 2008 9:43 pm

*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential
Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall.

This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied.

If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom immediately so the
pooper can poop in peace.

I think this one's taken on new meaning since this was written.....

lb13

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ShitSandwich
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#3 Post by ShitSandwich » Thu Aug 14, 2008 9:45 pm

T_Bone, you rule, dude!
Open wide!
Image

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Here's Fanny!
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#4 Post by Here's Fanny! » Thu Aug 14, 2008 9:51 pm

I haven't seen that one for a long time. So it was all new again and I laughed and laughed. It's funny cause it's true!

Some of the names have changed to protect the innocent, though. I remember there being an "uncle" something.
Spoiler
I'm darned good and ready.

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Here's Fanny!
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#5 Post by Here's Fanny! » Thu Aug 14, 2008 9:53 pm

I was going to time how long it took my friend Kitty Sandwich to show up.

My nephew's favourite euphemism of late is "taking the Browns to the Superbowl". A couple of weeks ago we had to explain to my grandma how he wasn't making futures in Vegas when he said that. I still don't think she gets it.
Spoiler
I'm darned good and ready.

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ulysses5019
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#6 Post by ulysses5019 » Thu Aug 14, 2008 10:00 pm

Here's Fanny! wrote:I was going to time how long it took my friend Kitty Sandwich to show up.

My nephew's favourite euphemism of late is "taking the Browns to the Superbowl". A couple of weeks ago we had to explain to my grandma how he wasn't making futures in Vegas when he said that. I still don't think she gets it.


I don't get it. But I am one sophisticated squirrel.
I believe in the usefulness of useless information.

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Here's Fanny!
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#7 Post by Here's Fanny! » Thu Aug 14, 2008 10:08 pm

ulysses5019 wrote:
Here's Fanny! wrote:I was going to time how long it took my friend Kitty Sandwich to show up.

My nephew's favourite euphemism of late is "taking the Browns to the Superbowl". A couple of weeks ago we had to explain to my grandma how he wasn't making futures in Vegas when he said that. I still don't think she gets it.


I don't get it. But I am one sophisticated squirrel.
Since you are a Southern California type sophisticate (I know that because only SoCal squirrels wear snap brim fedoras and sharp looking dickeys), it's similar to 'tackling a Trojan'.

Same ballpark, different league.
Spoiler
I'm darned good and ready.

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#8 Post by Beebs52 » Sat Aug 16, 2008 2:46 pm

ulysses5019 wrote:
Here's Fanny! wrote:I was going to time how long it took my friend Kitty Sandwich to show up.

My nephew's favourite euphemism of late is "taking the Browns to the Superbowl". A couple of weeks ago we had to explain to my grandma how he wasn't making futures in Vegas when he said that. I still don't think she gets it.


I don't get it. But I am one sophisticated squirrel.
Dude, your lowbrowhumor stuff just squirts out without you knowing it. Duh.

I love this list. I LOVE IT. Have you seen the one with the sound effects? Years ago I saw it and must MUST find it again.

Thank you.
Well, then

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#9 Post by Snaxx » Sat Aug 16, 2008 3:05 pm

LOL

I stopped drinking the double-shot espresso on work mornings even if it was effective getting me awake, as it gave me a minor case of
Image
mid-morning.





.
---
Winner of 2011 Sports Madness :mrgreen:

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#10 Post by PlacentiaSoccerMom » Sat Aug 16, 2008 4:48 pm

Here's Fanny! wrote:I was going to time how long it took my friend Kitty Sandwich to show up.

My nephew's favourite euphemism of late is "taking the Browns to the Superbowl". A couple of weeks ago we had to explain to my grandma how he wasn't making futures in Vegas when he said that. I still don't think she gets it.
When we went rafting last year, we heard the euphemism, "dropping the kids off at the pool."

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Chronic Diarrhea
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#11 Post by Chronic Diarrhea » Sat Aug 16, 2008 6:57 pm

jacorbett70 wrote:LOL

I stopped drinking the double-shot espresso on work mornings even if it was effective getting me awake, as it gave me a minor case of
Image
mid-morning.

Hey! Do you mind!?!?!? I don't publicly post pictures of you in the crapper....

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rayxtwo
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#12 Post by rayxtwo » Sun Aug 17, 2008 10:55 pm

I saw this video on the subject.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IzO1mCAVyMw


Ray

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#13 Post by Ritterskoop » Sun Aug 17, 2008 11:19 pm

I had never heard the term "courtesy flush" before the movie "True Lies". After that, I found new applications for it.
If you fail to pilot your own ship, don't be surprised at what inappropriate port you find yourself docked. - Tom Robbins
--------
At the moment of commitment, the universe conspires to assist you. - attributed to Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.

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