The Lord has spoken to me...

[Oral B Roberts]

And He said to me, "Brother Oral, I have a crusade unto which I command you to fulfill."

So I asked, "My Lord, I am your ever willing subject, and You are the only one who my evil cell phone company does not charge me for incoming calls, thus I shalt always do as You so wish of me. How may I be of Your service?"

So the Lord said unto me, "Brother Oral, quit slobbering all over yourself and listen to Me! Sister Fantine is bringing back a classic Bored game this September that will bring happiness to all the subjects in My Kingdom."

So I asked the Lord, "Whatever game can it be, my Lord? And will it cause them to quit posting that blasphemous squirrel porn?"

So the Lord thundered back at me, "SILENCE, you measly dumbass! Sister Fantine is bringing back Timeline® to all of My children on the Bored, and because Sister Fantine created it, it will be good."

This all seemed like great news, or something like that, but I had to ask the Lord, "But Lord, what does this have to do with me?"

So the Lord responded, "Brother Oral, I need you to spread the good word to all of my sheep. You have a lot of work to do, and but a fortnight to accomplish it or else...."

"Or else...." I asked the Lord as I cowered under my desk, "Or else you will come and take me from this earth back unto Your Kingdom of Heaven?"

So the Lord let out a great big bellylaugh, and the thunder rolled from the hills as He slapped His holy knees. "Brother Oral, I don't think I have a place up here for you. But if you do not fulfill my task I have assigned you, I will have no choice but to render your check signing hand withered and useless!"

And with that horrifying threat, my conversation with the Lord concluded. So I have to hit the road and make sure I get the news out about the return of Timeline® next month. I don't know how many revivals I can hold over the next two weeks, but you can best believe I will be coming to a church parking lot near you. I better inform Brother Cale that I'll be needing his musical services to help draw large crowds to my tent. Oh, and don't forget to bring that checkbook, because the Good News is never just given away for free....

{CRACK! RRRRRRUMBLE!!!!!!}

I swear there must be a lightning rod at the top of my ministry......