Wedding Blog: BD**2 - 116

Message

gsabc · #1 Post by **gsabc** » Wed Apr 16, 2008 6:53 am

Pea had an interesting response to yesterday's entry, that I (and GW and BD by extension) am speaking as if it's BD's wedding and not FSIL's. Therefore, FSIL is not doing any of the work because it isn't his wedding. I responded in turn, but wish to bring that forward and elaborate.

From yesterday:
FWIW, my understanding is that MOST weddings are almost exclusively the bride's, rather than the groom's. Maybe it ain't equal rights or equal time, but that's the way it is. Guys generally don't think about the rigmarole involved with weddings. At least THIS guy (me) didn't. The guy blog readers should add their own two cents here on this subject.

Besides, he's 3000 miles away, is not from this area and doesn't know the territory (cue Harold Hill). He can't do a whole lot long distance regarding choice of florist, choice of photographer, choice of venue, etc., nor has he expressed much interest in doing so. We've tried to give him some input on those choices (added note: in an attempt to help to make the wedding "his" as well), but he has effectively declined the opportunities. Answers such as "It doesn't matter" and "That's okay with me" aren't much help. We have tried to give him some tasks where we think he CAN be of help. The chaplain search is the biggest. It hasn't happened.

Additional notes:
My situation way back when was similar, though the distance was about a third the current mileage (Boston to Bloomington IN vs Barstow CA). GW made all the arrangements, and pretty much left me out of it. Being clueless as usual, it didn't even occur to me to ask about flowers, officiant, photographer, and so forth. FSIL is being offered chances to make his input, even if he doesn't ask. He is not taking advantage of them.

The apparent lack of interest is being interpreted, by GW at least, as a lack of commitment when combined with his seeming lack of desire to come out here for a visit. I choose to think more positively, recalling my own oblivious state way back when. I am not privy to BD's conversations with him. I don't know how much or how strongly she may have expressed her own displeasures. GW has tried not to express her own misgivings to her. I am keeping out of it as much as possible, other than trying to calm GW. Whatever is going on, BD and FSIL have to deal with it themselves.

PlacentiaSoccerMom · #2 Post by **PlacentiaSoccerMom** » Wed Apr 16, 2008 7:25 am

Jeff was very involved in the planning of our wedding. He went with me to every appointment and had an opinion on just about every choice we made.

We were 21 and 22 when we got married, so maybe our situation is different.

marrymeflyfree · #3 Post by **marrymeflyfree** » Wed Apr 16, 2008 7:37 am

"FWIW, my understanding is that MOST weddings are almost exclusively the bride's, rather than the groom's. Maybe it ain't equal rights or equal time, but that's the way it is."

I think that's the way it is for a lot of men, but not all.

We're in the (very) early days of wedding planning, and have been talking a bit about things. Maybe we are weird, but neither The Naughty Norwegian nor I think that a wedding is supposed to be the "bride's day". That's not the kind of wedding I, personally, want. It isn't about me. It's about two people telling their loved ones that they are united as a couple and celebrating that, and about joining two families together as one. At least that's what it is for us.

As such, it should be a fun event and should reflect the personalities of both the bride and groom and their respective families. Because that is our ideal, both of us will be involved in deciding what kind of day it is. I wouldn't want the sort of event where NN just shows up and is told where to stand and what to do, having had little or no input. And likewise, I'm more than willing to compromise on things to fit what he may want out of the day.

But....that's our ideal, and our personalities. A lot of brides have *very* specific ideas of what they want and they do see it as 'their day' above all else. And a lot of grooms want nothing more than to show up and be told where to stand and what to do, and to let the bride enjoy her day in the big dress. And that's totally fine if that is what they want. If the bride and groom are happy with that, then it doesn't matter what anyone else (including GW) thinks about it.

peacock2121 · #4 Post by **peacock2121** » Wed Apr 16, 2008 8:43 am

It is that way because it is allowed it to be that way.

You want to make reasons for it, that's fine. Then declare it her wedding. If you did then you would not complain about fsil not doing anything - it's not his to do for. You would quit thinking and saying it should be different. If it is BD's wedding - leave fsil out of it all thogether and quit expecting anything from him.

You get frustrated when you want it two different ways.

earendel · #5 Post by **earendel** » Wed Apr 16, 2008 10:03 am

elwing and I were 20 when we married. She came from a traditional family, but she, being the "liberated woman" of the 70s thought that I should have some say in things, so I was part of the selection of the caterer, the photographer, the wedding singer, the invitations, etc. The two things I didn't have a say in (and didn't want one) were the venue/presiding minister (her home church, which I had just recently joined) and her gown. I was happy to have a part in the planning, and in the end I think everyone looked upon our wedding in the same way that MMFF suggested - as a union of souls and families, not a "show off opportunity" for the bride.

tlynn78 · #6 Post by **tlynn78** » Wed Apr 16, 2008 10:20 am

My hub and I were married (gasp) 27 years ago (in nine days). He was in the Air Force, and on the other side of the country from me. I planned our wedding. When I asked him for input and he said "I don't care" or "whatever you decide," I believed him. I did not assume "I don't care" what color the bridesmaids wear meant "I don't care" anything about our wedding. I assumed (and I'm sure I was right

) that he felt the day was 'for the bride' and as long as we were legally hitched by the end of hte day, it was all good. It's fine when guys who want to have input, but let's face it, I don't know any guys who had their entire weddings planned by the time they're 14.
In the case of gabc's fsil, did he actually call up and volunteer, "Hey, let me make the arrangements for the chaplain/rabbi" or was it just decided and then assigned to him?

Answers such as "It doesn't matter" and "That's okay with me" aren't much help

But they are completely helpful answers, if you choose to assume he actually means what he's saying.

Whatever is going on, BD and FSIL have to deal with it themselves.

Exactly. It's only natural GW wants everything perfect for BD, but in the long run, it's about BD and FSIL and what happens after the big day is far, far more important than the wedding.

t.

MarleysGh0st · #7 Post by **MarleysGh0st** » Wed Apr 16, 2008 11:17 am

tlynn78 wrote:My hub and I were married (gasp) 27 years ago (in nine days). He was in the Air Force, and on the other side of the country from me. I planned our wedding. When I asked him for input and he said "I don't care" or "whatever you decide," I believed him. I did not assume "I don't care" what color the bridesmaids wear meant "I don't care" anything about our wedding. I assumed (and I'm sure I was right ) that he felt the day was 'for the bride' and as long as we were legally hitched by the end of hte day, it was all good. It's fine when guys who want to have input, but let's face it, I don't know any guys who had their entire weddings planned by the time they're 14.
In the case of gabc's fsil, did he actually call up and volunteer, "Hey, let me make the arrangements for the chaplain/rabbi" or was it just decided and then assigned to him?

Answers such as "It doesn't matter" and "That's okay with me" aren't much help
But they are completely helpful answers, if you choose to assume he actually means what he's saying.

Whatever is going on, BD and FSIL have to deal with it themselves.
Exactly. It's only natural GW wants everything perfect for BD, but in the long run, it's about BD and FSIL and what happens after the big day is far, far more important than the wedding.

t.

Rec!

Bixby17 · #8 Post by **Bixby17** » Wed Apr 16, 2008 3:33 pm

PlacentiaSoccerMom wrote:Jeff was very involved in the planning of our wedding. He went with me to every appointment and had an opinion on just about every choice we made.

We were 21 and 22 when we got married, so maybe our situation is different.

I did everything on the wedding, including pay for most everything because I had a good job. I talked with the future spouse about the idea of the wedding--a party with only people we knew and not people we had to invite.

He had imput on three things:

1. His tux
2. The honeymoon destination
3. Do you want full bar or just beer and wine. We went with the full bar.

Him not having much imput on flowers and stuff didn't matter one lick and was easier on me. We will be celebrating our 14th anniversary in June.

5LD · #9 Post by **5LD** » Wed Apr 16, 2008 5:00 pm

Hub cannot ever predict what I will like. I have to buy the gifts for myself now if I want them (fine by me). So when it came to wedding planning/baby planning/renovating our apartment/organizing the family to move/finding housing in Ohio etc. it was all mine to do. He also allowed me to test drive and choose cars for him when we had to purchase them last summer.

Never bothered me once. It made it easier. He was happy about it all and so was I. Hub has problems making up his mind sometimes. I usually don't.

Edited to add: I also research large purchases (electronics/machinery) and give one or two recommendations before we go shopping. Saves us both time.

ulysses5019 · #10 Post by **ulysses5019** » Wed Apr 16, 2008 5:42 pm

Just saw this today on Hotmail, a marriage bill of rights:

http://men.msn.com/article.aspx?cp-docu ... &GT1=32001

PlacentiaSoccerMom · #11 Post by **PlacentiaSoccerMom** » Wed Apr 16, 2008 6:18 pm

ulysses5019 wrote:Just saw this today on Hotmail, a marriage bill of rights:

http://men.msn.com/article.aspx?cp-docu ... &GT1=32001

Jeff read this over my shoulder and basically what he got out of it was that he has the right to have a "porn kitten."

Robyn · #12 Post by **Robyn** » Wed Apr 23, 2008 9:55 am

We have been married almost 34 years (September 1). Fred's mom did a lot of wedding planning for friends and family for years, and involved him in the actual work, so Fred had definite ideas about what he wanted, and cared about the details a great deal. Needless to say we had a wonderful ceremony and party.

Our daughters' husbands also wanted to have input and we happily allowed them to help plan their big events, both of which went off beautifully and happily. Many of their friends' hubbies, though, didn't care about the details, and were happy to show up on the big day and say their "I do's" There are no hard and fast rules any more about who does what and how.

As a matter of fact, our kids were in hysterics reading a bridal guide book that my MIL had given me many years ago, with "rules" about who pays for what, proper etiquette for the bride, groom and guests, and correct wording and spelling for invitations of all sorts (but it didn't mention divorced parents or unusual pairings of adults).

Robyn · #13 Post by **Robyn** » Wed Apr 23, 2008 9:56 am

We have been married almost 34 years (September 1). Fred's mom did a lot of wedding planning for friends and family for years, and involved him in the actual work, so Fred had definite ideas about what he wanted, and cared about the details a great deal. Needless to say we had a wonderful ceremony and party.

Our daughters' husbands also wanted to have input and we happily allowed them to help plan their big events, both of which went off beautifully and happily. Many of their friends' hubbies, though, didn't care about the details, and were happy to show up on the big day and say their "I do's" There are no hard and fast rules any more about who does what and how.

As a matter of fact, our kids were in hysterics reading a bridal guide book that my MIL had given me many years ago, with "rules" about who pays for what, proper etiquette for the bride, groom and guests, and correct wording and spelling for invitations of all sorts (but it didn't mention divorced parents or unusual pairings of adults).

SportsFan68 · #14 Post by **SportsFan68** » Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:44 pm

17 years for SteelersFan and me. I jokingly said for a long time that if I'd known what he was gonna be like on the day we got married, I wouldn't have married him. Not so sure how much was joking, he was jumpy, skittish, moody, you name it.

Here's a comic strip that fits right in with this thread.

http://www.comics.com/creators/girls/ar ... 80423.html