Scene: Marley McMurphy, a convicted cyber-criminal, bypasses prison and instead gets admitted to a
special “cyberspace” psychiatric ward known as The Bored.
Scene: Marley meets with the Dr. Juch, the head psychiatrist of The Bored ward.
Dr. Juch: Do you know why you're here?
Marley: Well, ya know, Doc … Doesn't it say so on your papers?
Dr. Juch: Well, according to the Warden at the Yahoo site, you were a disturbing influence on the other members.
'It appears that there is a potential in him for instigating a revolt among the other BBs.' What do you think of that
report?
Marley: Doc, what can I tell ya?
Dr. Juch: He goes on to say 'Don't overlook the possibility that this man may be faking psychosis to escape the
drudgery of the work farm...' What do you say to that?
Marley: Just another day in cyberspace.
Dr. Juch: Ah, it seems you have no other psychiatric history, Marley?
Marley: No, this is my first trip to The Bored, Doc.
Dr. Juch: Well, you're here for a ninety-day observation period, Marley. I'd like you to understand you are here
on a court order and we are responsible to the state. So, I'd like your cooperation!
Marley: You bet, Doc!
Dr. Juch: Good. Good.
Scene: The Bored is overseen by Nurse Catfish
who does not take kindly to the new patient.
Scene: Nurse Catfish and her assistant, Sprots, conduct chat room therapy sessions in which each patient
is encouraged to post freely. Marley joins them.
Other BBs joining in include Esto, Jarnon…
Spaceman Spiff…
T-Bone…
Spock…
Elwood…
Krox…
and Tangredi
Scene: Marley listens in on the chat room therapy session.
while Nurse Catfish conducts
When the session is over, Nurse Catfish leaves and Marley addresses the other BBs:
Marley: Jesus, I mean, you guys do nothing but complain about how you can't stand it on The Bored and
you don't have the guts just to log out? What do you think you are, for Chrissake, crazy or somethin'?
Well you're not! You're not! You're no crazier than the average asshole on any other site and that's it.
Scene: Marley meets LB, a large BB who never chats or posts.
Marley hands him some gum
LB: Thank you.
Marley: Say it again.
LB: Thank you.
Marley: Say... Is that your final answer?
LB: Is that your final answer?
Marley: (slapping his thigh) Goddammit, you sly son-of-a-bitch! Does anybody else know?
LB: No.
Marley: Shit! This is too much! LB, I tell you we're gonna bust outta this Bored an' make it all the way to
Google Forums before they know what bit 'em.
LB: Goo...gle...for...ums...
Marley: Ya like that, LB, huh?
LB: Yeah...Goo...gle
Marley: Shhh, LB, don't chat or post. Never chat or post! Remember, this is just between you an' me.
Do ya understand?
LB nods.
Scene: During a chat session, Nurse Catfish focuses her discussion on Krox
Nurse Catfish: That was the first time you attempted to self terminate, wasn't it?
Krox: (no response)
Nurse Catfish: You must try to talk about it, Krox.
Marley: Jesus Christ, the man doesn't want to talk, so get off his back an' let's get on to some new business.
Nurse Catfish: Marley, the purpose of this meeting is therapy. Chat room therapy.
Marley: Yeah, yeah, the hell with that crap! Who Wants to be a Millionaire is goin' on right' now an' that's
therapy also!
Nurse Catfish: Let me pose a question to the group: do any of you feel that Marley is perhaps imposing his
personal desires on you too much?
Marley: What the hell does that have to do with it? This is an important event and I want a vote on it!
T-Bone: Yeah, let's vote on it!
Nurse Catfish: (to the BBs) A vote is before the group.
Marley: Okay, I wanna see the hands. I wanna see which of you birds has any guts. Millionaire's on!
Nurse Catfish: Everyone in favor of changing the schedule raise his hand.
Marley: That's it! We made it!
Nurse Catfish: I'm sorry, Marley, I count only eight. You must have a majority to change ward policy.
Marley: Nurse Catfish, Nurse Catfish! LB voted! Now will you please turn on the television set?
Nurse Catfish: Marley, the meeting was adjourned and the vote was closed.
Marley: But the vote was 10 to 8. LB, he's got his hand up! Look!
Nurse Catfish: No, Marley. When the meeting was adjourned, the vote was 9 to 9.
Marley heads to the transcript forum. Others follow
Nurse Catfish: Sit down, Marley!
Scene: Marley begins his own make-believe game
Marley: Okay, he’s in the hot seat now. And for one hundred dollars, a classic game often played at slumber
parties is "Truth or" what? A: Scare B: Dare C: Wear D: Wet Willie
That’s right, it’s B, Dare. Now for two hundred. The name of what clothing accessory also means
"to sing in a forceful manner"? A: Hat B: Glove C: Belt D: Loud tie
(No BBs answer)
Marley: Belt is the right answer.
Nurse Catfish: Marley, you are deliberately violating the rules!
Scene: Marley continues the banter for several more questions as BBs join in the fun.
Marley: Our man is up to sixteen grand. Now for 32 grand: In 1938, which world leader erroneously claimed
to have achieved "peace for our time"? A: Benito Mussolini B: Winston Churchill
C: Francisco Franco D: Neville Chamberlain
Tbone: Churchill?
Esto: Franco?
Marley: Our contestant answers D, Neville Chamberlain, and gets it right for 32 large!
(BBs start to celebrate)
Marley: Everyone pay attention…
Marley: Here we are at the 64 thousand dollar question: How many horizontal rows of stars appear
on the U.S. flag? A: 6, B: 7, C: 9, D: 10
Esto: Nine
Jarnon: Nine
Spaceman Spiff: Nine. Everyone knows that.
T-Bone: Nine rows. Piece of cake.
Spock: No problem. Nine.
Elwood: Nine. Too easy
Krox: Nine of ‘em.
Tangredi: Nine. I mean what moron doesn’t know that?
Marley: Oh no! Our contestant answered B, seven. Game over. I guess all you crazies are smarter
than the man in the hot seat.
Nurse Catfish: You BBs stop this!
Scene: Marley decides the fellow BBs deserve a pajama party. He invites Beebs, a woman who clearly
knows how to have a good time.
and she brings a friend…
Beebs hooks up with Krox…
Then makes sure his, uh, feet are clean:
Unfortunately, the pajama party goes on too long and Nurse Catfish finds Krox in a state of grace
Scene: Krox is overcome with guilt and decides to self-terminate.
Scene: Nurse Catfish finds Krox…
and Marley goes into a rage, attacking Nurse Catfish
Scene: The moderators take Marley away.
Scene: The next day, Marley’s posting privileges are seriously curtailed
and is only capable of posting in political threads
Scene: Marley returns to the rest of the BBs,
but LB knows something is wrong
LB: Marley... they said you logged off. I knew you wouldn't leave without me. I was waiting for you.
Now we can make it, Marley; I feel big as a damn mountain.
[he suddenly sees that he is a political thread only BB]
LB: Oh, no...
LB: I'm not goin' without you, Marley. I wouldn't leave you this way... You're coming with me.
LB: [laying him down] Let's go.
LB permanently logs off Marley
Scene: LB grabs a Boney Award trophy and lifts it up
LB tosses it through an unused FNGD forum
And leaves The Bored forever.
Decades Returns Next Month
You’d be cuckoo not to play!
