So, I need some advice

[a1mamacat]

I was contacted by an Adoption Match Service, saying that I have a birth sister looking for me. I am the adopted child

I had ordered my original registration of birth, and the names match.

I am trying to decide if I want to make contact or not. I had researched this summer, and discovered that my birth mother had died, which is probably why the sister is now wanting to make contact, perhaps having found the adoption order. I don't know is she is a full sibling or half, and my birth father is not named. There is also a brother.

Not something I was desperately seeking over the years, I have a wonderful family, but you always have a little question or two in the back of your head.

Thoughts, opinions (gentle ones) viewpoints?

[Estonut]

I have no experience with this, so this is only opinion.

1) Will you regret more:
• Meeting her and not hitting it off?
• Never reaching out and thinking back on it later?

2) The news seems to lean more towards bad stuff & sad news. I can't think of an instance of a news story about such a reunion that wasn't happy. I would think that situations that turn out bad for some reason would make the news, too.

3) You might be able to fill in some gaps in each other's life stories.

Personally, I think I would do it, if only out of curiosity. She could fall anywhere between another person to ignore all the way up to a new best friend.

[MarleysGh0st]

Wow. You even want opinions who have no experience whatsoever from any angle with adoption? Here goes...

You say you've had questions. Meeting this birth sibling would certainly be an opportunity to get those answered. I guess the big question would be whether you have any worries about putting the genie back in the bottle. We can sit back from the comfort of cyberspace and say that you'd have no obligation to build a "sibling" relationship; you're free to keep the contact casual or even to just a one-time meeting, as you wish.

But once names are exchanged, that theoretical freedom might be subject to all kinds of emotional pressures. Only you can judge how you'd respond to that.

[jaybee]

My gut reaction would be to do it. Reasoning being the same as Estonuts #1 question: If you don't do it, will you frequently (and distractingly) wonder - "what if"?

Can you make contact and keep things comfortably distant? Like emails only. You could go so far as to set up a special email account just for this, then rely on your own feelings as you make this kind of first-hand contact as to if you want to carry it further or let it drop.

But I've never been in anything like this situation. However, if I somehow found out that I had a half or full sibling out there, I would want to learn more.

[tlynn78]

Just, best of luck with whatever you decide.

[SportsFan68]

This is not advice, just two situations I'm familiar with.

The summer before one of my friends was a sophomore in high school, her mother had an affair which resulted in the birth of a baby girl at a Catholic hospital in Denver, a long way from home. The word from the father, more or less, was that the mother could return home if she left the baby behind forever, and that's what happened. The father died of a heart attack a long, long time ago, and the mother has remained true to her promise. However, my friend and her older sister regret deeply that this third sister was cut out of their lives, and older sister has been searching for this sibling for years. If she ever finds her, I'm sure there will be a happy reunion, full of tears and regrets, of course, but still, the happiness will outweigh any regrets.

My Aunt Merna, who married my youngest uncle, came from a family of nine children, except she thought that she grew up with five siblings. Her father insisted that the three youngest be given up for adoption because there were already too many mouths to feed, and her mother meekly complied. She went to the hospital three times to have babies but returned without them, and according to Aunt Merna, not one word was ever spoken. Merna assumed they were stillborn, until by accident a dozen years later, they discovered they had been living three blocks from one of the missing siblings. That opened the floodgates, but the siblings, the eldest in his twenties by then, couldn't find the other two even with birthdates. They were deeply regretful that they had missed knowing the other children and became good friends with the one they did find.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

[BackInTex]

I'm the same as T-girlie. Best of luck with whatever you decide. I have lots of thoughts and opinions on how I think I would think if I were in your shoes, but in reality I have absolutely no clue.

Hugs and hand holding for whatever you decide.

[themanintheseersuckersuit]

Go ahead and do it, but it will probably turn out just to be LB13

[christie1111]

I will PM you.

[Beebs52]

Luck with whatever you decide.

[mellytu74]

Dad was married before he married TLAF. Her name was Millie and they had a daughter, Eileen.

I met Eileen after Dad died. TLAF and Dad had been in her life until Millie remarried (1951).

We're not terrible close but we are pretty friendly - we exchange Christmas cards and notes throughout the year. It's like we're friendly former co-workers or old neighbors.

I didn't know about Eileen (or Millie) until my late teens. My parents didn't quite know how to tell me about them.

My older cousins -- who knew Eileen well when they were all younger -- never mentioned her around me. So, there was never a sense that I was missing something.

(In contrast, I really felt - and feel to this day - a sense of loss with never having known my brother - stillborn 14 months before I was born.)

So, based on my experiences, I would say it's worth exploring. But, whatever you decide, good luck.

[Ritterskoop]

I vote do it. We need more adventures in life.

[Bob78164]

I can't imagine learning I have a close, previously unknown blood relative without being curious enough for at least one meeting. But of course, for me (as with most of the rest of us, I'm sure), this is merely an exercise in imagination.

Do you have any sense yet what feels right for you? --Bob

[littlebeast13]

Go ahead and do it, but it will probably turn out just to be LB13

Knock it off lb13!

[ghostjmf]

Wow! And Wow! again.


You've already gotten a load of good advice (which I of course wish I hadn't read so I could post a lot of what would turn out the be the same things & look like the original source of such good advice, or whatever).


All I can add is that if you are inclined to do it, & you seem to be, do it. It won't be disloyal to the loving family that raised you. It will be information, & maybe a friend. You can figure out, ahead of time I hope, that she's not looking for a kidney (or whatever! ). I'd want to know, but I'm me. No-one can tell you what to do.


Have you asked Big J, or even told him about this yet?

[Flybrick]

Coincidentally, I faced a similar situation several months ago.

A woman contacted my (older brother) asking if his father was XXXXX XXXXX, from XXXXX, and had been in the Air Force.

Names, city, and service matched up.

The woman contacting was about 10 years older than my brother.
She had been adopted as an infant and raised in an, apparently, nice home.

As an adult, she discovered she was adopted. I don't know the details of how she found out. She decided she wanted to find out her birth parents.

Further research and getting the birth certificate matched.

It appears that my dad, as a very young (still a teenager) man and a young woman did what comes naturally.

Neither were married.

Both my dad and the birth mother are deceased.

We don't know if my dad ever knew of the child or if there was anything more than a one night stand.

My brother is interested in finding out more about this new, apparent, half-sister.

I'm not. I'm sure she's a fine person, but a relationship is built via time/experience. I'm not looking for a 'new' sister at this point in my life.

Good luck with your decision and it would be interesting to know what you decide and what the consequences were.

[a1mamacat]

Wow! And Wow! again.


You've already gotten a load of good advice (which I of course wish I hadn't read so I could post a lot of what would turn out the be the same things & look like the original source of such good advice, or whatever).


All I can add is that if you are inclined to do it, & you seem to be, do it. It won't be disloyal to the loving family that raised you. It will be information, & maybe a friend. You can figure out, ahead of time I hope, that she's not looking for a kidney (or whatever! ). I'd want to know, but I'm me. No-one can tell you what to do.


Have you asked Big J, or even told him about this yet?

No, I"ll keep my kidneys, thank you

Big J says it is up to me to decide. He says he has no idea of what I may feel, not being in my situation, so he has 'no opinion' lol

[Appa23]

All I can give is the perspective of an adoptive parent:

If either The Boy or Lil' Bit came to me when they were older and said that they were contacted by someone saying that they were a biological relative, I would support them wholeheartedly if they decided to pursue that possibility. For them, I know that they currently struggle a bit with the missing genetic/biological piece of their life.