Memo to the orifice behind me on the long ramp…

[AlphaDummy]

…feeding into the construction zone on the north edge of Wausau:

Yeah, I heard you…and three seconds on the horn would have been sufficient. Now, I am guessing that you subscribe to the theory that the sound of an auto horn magically imparts Road Wisdom unto its recipient. Please be advised that 1) my mind is already amply filled with random bits of knowledge on countless subjects and should have sent a “No Vacancy” sign back to your psyche (did you sense it?) and 2) as tempted as I was to offer up an explicit dietary suggestion to you, you probably could not have heard it anyhow…the horn, y’know. Now that we have that established, please allow me to offer you some insight into my actions:

You see, we were entering a construction zone. No, there were no workers in the zone. There was, however, a vast array of orange-and-white barrels which, although most likely not containing a drop of beer among the whole lot, still needed to be treated with the utmost of respect and deference. (Look that last word up yourself.) Given that I have no desire whatsoever to participate in any sort of Traffic Incident, I decided as I gently accelerated down the ramp to look at the impressive-looking string of cars that were all apparently heading back toward Illinois via Highway 51. It quickly became apparent that the first legitimate gap in traffic was back there a ways…so I decided to slow down so as to better facilitate a smooth merge (not that you likely know a damn thing about the word “smooth” yourself…but I digress…) Anyhow, had I lived up to your apparent expectations and hammered the gas with the apparent goal of merging into 60-mile-an-hour construction zone traffic at 85 per, one of the following three scenarios (scenarii?) would have played out:

1) Herd-like evasive action on the highway: Okay, that might look funny in the movies. I would definitely not score any points with the drivers that were tooling along to the left of that “yield” sign, though (look the word “yield” up yourself*). [*Note to my Grammar Nazi friends: I realize that I should likely have inserted the word “up” after the word “look” throughout this screed…but there is something that just seemed right about the letters u-p and y-o-u-r-s appearing in sequence here…but I seriously digress…]

2) Serious Vehicular Damage: Look. The Wisconsin Valley Fair is going on about two miles south of the scene…and I am sure they have bumper cars somewhere. If you want to see cars banging into each other, stop on down. Hell, buy yourself a ticket for the bumper cars yourownself…it would probably help to relieve your stres-STOP RIGHT THERE- never mind…you would probably go into Road Rage Mode halfway through the ride…I do not even want to think about that…

3) Jam on the brakes just before I get to the “yield” sign (look the word “yield” up yourself): Trust me, the thought of you ending up in the back of my van – regardless of the circumstances -is down near the bottom of my list of Fun Things in Life, located somewhere between being attacked by fire ants and being given a Drano enema (don’t bother looking that last one up; you might actually enjoy the research).

So, no. Which pretty much narrows it down to the action I actually took. Think of it this way: You probably saved several seconds by not having to reaccelerate from a stop – or, for that matter, even more by not having to wait…because you would likely be pinned down since you would not be able to merge in without causing one of the scenarii (scenarios?) listed above.

Have a day. Orifice.

[jarnon]

Some of Orifice's kin must live in Pennsylvania. The ones that honk when I slow down to avoid hitting a pedestrian.

[ghostjmf]

I was in a traffic jam once. Well, I've been in more than one in my life, but in the one I'm telling about here:


We were all going about 3 miles per hour on the interstate when the car in front of me came to a dead stop. The driver got out & walked toward my car. I assumed they were in Dire Straits (not the band) & rolled down my window. A Mistake. "I am making a citizens's arrest", they said to me. "You are too close to my car". Rolled window back up in a hurry (this was back when I still had a car with hand-cranked windows). Eventually they got back into their car. No pounding on my car, thank G-d. When I got home, I called the highway police, asking "can they actually do that?". I certainly didn't think so, but it didn't hurt to check. "No" said the nice policeperson.


There's no telling what a looney will make up about you, but in this case no police report was ever filed.

[littlebeast13]

I usually interpret annoying honking from behind me as a request to please go a little slower, which I always happily comply with....

lb13

[Bob Juch]

I usually interpret annoying honking from behind me as a request to please go a little slower, which I always happily comply with....

lb13

Were you that idiot driving at 50 MPH in the #1 lane at 1 AM in the morning on I-70?

[jaybee]

Not the reason why I drive one, but certainly a benefit of tooling along our highways and byways in a 22' long, 8,000 pound+ tall and wide pickup truck. Coupled with a very effective "If I happen to hit you I will probably not even notice it" look and frankly, nobody F***s with me. Many of the orifice types will choose to 'teach me a lesson' by crowding right up behind me. Once there are that close, they could be in a Hummer and I'd never see them. Eventually they notice the several hundred pound solid steel trailer hitch sticking out 14" from the bumper and figure out that they are in a very bad place to be.

Of course, then there are the times when I'm out and about in one of the Civics or in Mrs. Jaybee's BMW so I need to adjust my outlook.

[ghostjmf]

lb says:

I usually interpret annoying honking from behind me as a request to please go a little slower, which I always happily comply with....

This would be one of those very rare instances where I agree with lb's philosophy/action/whatever. Well, used to. Now I generally pull over if I can & let them zoom ahead. Usually we get up to the light at the same time, almost. Meaning they're just as stopped at it as I am.


About 5 years ago or so, I was looking out for a particular restaurant on the side of the road in NH. Often slower drivers are looking for something. A restaurant, their kid who just hopped out of the van, whatever. The trucker in back of me decided to go around me, which wasn't legal because there was a solid, not a dotted line at that point in the middle of the road. Otherwise, they had plenty of room, no oncoming traffic...no explanation why they made a big car-length dent in the side of my car & tore off my driver's side mirror. And, of course, kept right on going.


Shaken, needless to say (I wrote this all up here at the time) I called the police, who refused to believe the trucker had been passing me, & hadn't instead hit me almost-head-on, until they found the debris from my car (mirror, etc) where the truck had "deposited" it up the road, not behind me. And they had looked at the swerve marks & so forth.


So its never wise to ignore the idiots. Where I was, there were no convenient driveways to pull into (obviously, I hadn't found my restaurant yet) & the side of the road was narrow & I think had a ravine or something like that next to it. Still, I should have just pulled off the road & let the idiot go bye-bye.