Why do girls sabatoge other girls?

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PlacentiaSoccerMom · #1 Post by **PlacentiaSoccerMom** » Sun Mar 23, 2008 8:01 pm

My daughter went over to her best friend's house last night. Her best friend knew that she liked a certain guy. The guy has been texting my daughter over the past few weeks. The best friend used to go to my daughter's school, but was pulled out to be home schooled. Of their group of friends, my daughter was the only person who had made an effort to stay friends with her.

My daughter's friend took my daughter's phone and started texting the guy. Then the friend gave him her cell phone number and sent him a picture.

My daughter came home upset by the situation, but she trusted her friend. I had a pretty good idea about what was going to happen.

It turns out that my daughter's best friend and the guy have been texting all day. My daughter's friend IMed and texted my daughter, telling her all about all of the conversations that they were having, but my daughter trusted her friend. About a half hour ago, the best friend texted my daughter and told her that the guy had asked her to Sadie Hawkins, what should she do?

My daughter told her friend that she hoped that they guy was worth it, that she knew what she was doing when she started texting him. She's devasted but wants no contact with the friend. At least they no longer go to the same school.

I feel so bad about the situation, I knew it was coming, but rather than intervene, I figured that I just had to let it happen.

Ritterskoop · #2 Post by **Ritterskoop** » Sun Mar 23, 2008 8:12 pm

Happened to me at 11. It is supposed to teach us something about the world biting you in the ass when you are too nice.

The more important lesson was, if a friend will betray you over a boy, that is not the kind of friend you want.

silvercamaro · #3 Post by **silvercamaro** » Sun Mar 23, 2008 8:18 pm

I'm sorry if Maddie is feeling bad, but I agree with Skoop on this. If the guy was so easily distracted by a new face, he probably isn't worth caring about all that much, and the girl wasn't such a friend, after all.

Bob Juch · #4 Post by **Bob Juch** » Sun Mar 23, 2008 8:24 pm

Tell your daughter that guys are going to come and go in both their lives but if they're really best friends their friendship should outlast the guys.

marrymeflyfree · #5 Post by **marrymeflyfree** » Sun Mar 23, 2008 8:30 pm

Girls sabotage other girls because they're insecure. They need to feel 'better than' to allay that insecurity. Your daughter trusted her friend because she has that self-confidence. Hopefully she'll keep it and know that her trusting nature and confidence in herself is worth more than both the friend and the boy.

And anyway...there's something wrong with the whole picture when the guy is asking the girl to a Sadie Hawkins thing, right??

PlacentiaSoccerMom · #6 Post by **PlacentiaSoccerMom** » Sun Mar 23, 2008 8:49 pm

marrymeflyfree wrote:
And anyway...there's something wrong with the whole picture when the guy is asking the girl to a Sadie Hawkins thing, right??

She told Maddie that he asked her, I'm sure she asked him.

PlacentiaSoccerMom · #7 Post by **PlacentiaSoccerMom** » Sun Mar 23, 2008 8:51 pm

Ritterskoop wrote:Happened to me at 11. It is supposed to teach us something about the world biting you in the ass when you are too nice.

The more important lesson was, if a friend will betray you over a boy, that is not the kind of friend you want.

She is realizing this, but it's still difficult for her to deal with all of this.

silvercamaro · #8 Post by **silvercamaro** » Sun Mar 23, 2008 8:56 pm

PlacentiaSoccerMom wrote:
She is realizing this, but it's still difficult for her to deal with all of this.

Of course, but there's not likely to be anything you can do to make it better. She'll have to get through this on her own -- and she will.

TheConfessor · #9 Post by **TheConfessor** » Sun Mar 23, 2008 9:16 pm

Seems like the brazen hussy is guilty of unauthorized use of your daughter's cell phone. If your daughter decided to press charges on the day of the Sadie Hawkins thing, and if the hussy had to spend that night in a juvenile detention facility, the dreamy guy would suddenly be free to accompany your daughter. It's a win-win solution.

kayrharris · #10 Post by **kayrharris** » Sun Mar 23, 2008 9:33 pm

Guess I don't understand the world of "texting". Have the "ex" best friend and the guy ever actually spoken to each other? Seems to me a lot can be lost in just texting.... I have a feeling this relationship won't last very long.

We all hate our children to be hurt. It's very hard to watch. I''m sorry she had to experience it, but it is part of growing up.

Ritterskoop · #11 Post by **Ritterskoop** » Sun Mar 23, 2008 9:56 pm

PlacentiaSoccerMom wrote:
Ritterskoop wrote:Happened to me at 11. It is supposed to teach us something about the world biting you in the ass when you are too nice.

The more important lesson was, if a friend will betray you over a boy, that is not the kind of friend you want.
She is realizing this, but it's still difficult for her to deal with all of this.

It is hard for some girls to understand they can have power without having possession or attention of a boy. The good news for your girls is, they have a place in the world, a place they see themselves in, and it is not bound on the attentions or approval of boys.

PlacentiaSoccerMom · #12 Post by **PlacentiaSoccerMom** » Mon Mar 24, 2008 1:08 am

kayrharris wrote:Guess I don't understand the world of "texting". Have the "ex" best friend and the guy ever actually spoken to each other? Seems to me a lot can be lost in just texting.... I have a feeling this relationship won't last very long.

It's like IMing on the cell phone. The friend and the guy have never even met each other.

cindy.wellman · #13 Post by **cindy.wellman** » Mon Mar 24, 2008 1:14 am

TheConfessor wrote:Seems like the brazen hussy is guilty of unauthorized use of your daughter's cell phone. If your daughter decided to press charges on the day of the Sadie Hawkins thing, and if the hussy had to spend that night in a juvenile detention facility, the dreamy guy would suddenly be free to accompany your daughter. It's a win-win solution.

HA!

PlacentiaSoccerMom · #14 Post by **PlacentiaSoccerMom** » Mon Mar 24, 2008 1:16 am

TheConfessor wrote:Seems like the brazen hussy is guilty of unauthorized use of your daughter's cell phone. If your daughter decided to press charges on the day of the Sadie Hawkins thing, and if the hussy had to spend that night in a juvenile detention facility, the dreamy guy would suddenly be free to accompany your daughter. It's a win-win solution.

Thank you for your suggestion.

Maddie is done with both of them. There is no way that she would have anything to do with him now.

peacock2121 · #15 Post by **peacock2121** » Mon Mar 24, 2008 5:58 am

I feel for Maddie.

These situations are where I turn to my mantra about parenting - my job is to prepare my child for the road of life, not the road for my child. I keep saying that and then ask "How can I use this to help prepare her for the road of life?"

This happened many times to Pealette. The best I could do was let her cry, hold her (when she would let me) while she cried. Later, when things had calmed a bit, she would tell me that she was not shocked that her 'friend' or the 'boy' would do such a thing.

That is the thing - teaching her to trust her instincts. Not to always think people will do bad things to her, because they won't. Trust her gut when she gets a feeling and trust her gut when she doesn't. Being hurt can turn one into a non-trusting girl. Becoming a perceptive girl is the thing.

Not all people will stab you on the back. Just because someone did once doesn't mean someone else will again. Learn to listen to the signs.

the end

gotribego26 · #16 Post by **gotribego26** » Mon Mar 24, 2008 6:21 am

PlacentiaSoccerMom wrote:My daughter went over to her best friend's house last night. Her best friend knew that she liked a certain guy. The guy has been texting my daughter over the past few weeks. The best friend used to go to my daughter's school, but was pulled out to be home schooled. Of their group of friends, my daughter was the only person who had made an effort to stay friends with her.

My daughter's friend took my daughter's phone and started texting the guy. Then the friend gave him her cell phone number and sent him a picture.

My daughter came home upset by the situation, but she trusted her friend. I had a pretty good idea about what was going to happen.

It turns out that my daughter's best friend and the guy have been texting all day. My daughter's friend IMed and texted my daughter, telling her all about all of the conversations that they were having, but my daughter trusted her friend. About a half hour ago, the best friend texted my daughter and told her that the guy had asked her to Sadie Hawkins, what should she do?

My daughter told her friend that she hoped that they guy was worth it, that she knew what she was doing when she started texting him. She's devasted but wants no contact with the friend. At least they no longer go to the same school.

I feel so bad about the situation, I knew it was coming, but rather than intervene, I figured that I just had to let it happen.

OK, now I'm really starting to think that PSM is living in tribe world west.

I think our daughters are similar age (mine are 9th and 5th). There is a book out there called "Queen Bees and Wanabees". Explains a lot about why girls can be so mean (note - most of them aren't mean - they can just be mean). It is helpful for parents of non Queen Bees - people raising Queen Bees generally don't get it in my experience.

There is a girl who was a best friend of my oldest through 6th grade (she has a 5th grade brother and our families were close) and for three years now has done enough of this that my daughter is done with her and we've distanced ourselves from the family.

As usual Pea had it right - Maddie a really smart kid - she'll learn to recognize the danger signs and stay away.

My daughter has also learned that any "relationships" she is developing with boys stay quiet as long as possible. Kids are attracted to kids because others are - keep the competition away as long as you can.

PlacentiaSoccerMom · #17 Post by **PlacentiaSoccerMom** » Mon Mar 24, 2008 8:27 am

gotribego26 wrote:
OK, now I'm really starting to think that PSM is living in tribe world west.

I think our daughters are similar age (mine are 9th and 5th). There is a book out there called "Queen Bees and Wanabees". Explains a lot about why girls can be so mean (note - most of them aren't mean - they can just be mean). It is helpful for parents of non Queen Bees - people raising Queen Bees generally don't get it in my experience.

There is a girl who was a best friend of my oldest through 6th grade (she has a 5th grade brother and our families were close) and for three years now has done enough of this that my daughter is done with her and we've distanced ourselves from the family.

As usual Pea had it right - Maddie a really smart kid - she'll learn to recognize the danger signs and stay away.

My daughter has also learned that any "relationships" she is developing with boys stay quiet as long as possible. Kids are attracted to kids because others are - keep the competition away as long as you can.

I think that I am going to the book store today to buy the book. Wasn't the movie "Mean Girls" based on this book?

After I saw your suggestion, I looked at other books in the genre.

I found Girl Wise. Grade 8 Up-Teenage girls have all kinds of concerns from seemingly trivial ones such as how to say "hi" to more momentous occasions like the first job interview. Along with these concerns, this book covers a wide range of topics with an overall intent of guiding girls toward becoming well-balanced young women. Successful people of all ages are tapped for advice. Hip and chatty in style, GirlWise encourages a self-confident, independent attitude that includes being considerate of others. As part of fostering healthy self-esteem, it tells how to create one's own style without becoming a fashion zombie, how to appreciate and take sensible care of one's body, and how to deal with rejection. While body image is discussed, it is more in the vein of self-acceptance, diet, and exercise-this book does not venture into the realm of sexual issues. Readers can also find out how to unclog a toilet, change a diaper, do laundry, and start a band. The last two chapters, "Be Caring" and "Be Conscious," point the way toward attitudes and actions that result in a truly mature person. This is a silly, serious, and totally fun book for those who want to take charge of their lives and evolve into first-class, well-rounded adults.

Another book is called: Be True to Yourself: A Daily Guide for Teenage Girls. Having recently emerged from the tumultuous teenage years herself, Amanda Ford saw the need for a guide to help girls learn to listen to their inner voices and think for themselves. Inspired by such popular books as Simple Abundance and The Woman's Book of Courage, her book offers support to young women as they navigate one of the most confusing and challenging times of their lives. As anyone familiar with teenagers knows, there is nothing they hate more than being told what to do or how to think by "out of touch" adults. Here's the real scoop from one who knows the score. In 365 one-page essays, Ford offers stories, information, and advice on all the important issues facing young women today: boys, dating, drinking, self-esteem, fights with friends, dealing with parents, and more. Girls will find comfort, encouragement, and insight in these pages, along with suggestions for articulating and confiding their feelings, fears, and frustrations.

Going by Pea's mantra, which I really like, "my job is to prepare my child for the road of life, not the road for my child" I think that getting Maddie a few self-help books, might help her realize that her experience isn't unique to teenage girls, and might give her tools for dealing with this type of situation if they come up again.

The interesting thing in all of this is Emma. She watches the things that happen to Maddie and really learns from them. She doesn't tell anyone who her crushes are and doesn't take the ups and downs of friendship so personally. When she found out Saturday night that Maddie's (ex) friend had taken the boy's number, she knew right away that Maddie's friend was bad news. Emma would have cut the friendship, then and there, but I told her to mind her own business and let Maddie make her own decisions.

tanstaafl2 · #18 Post by **tanstaafl2** » Mon Mar 24, 2008 9:30 am

PlacentiaSoccerMom wrote: About a half hour ago, the best friend texted my daughter and told her that the guy had asked her to Sadie Hawkins, what should she do?

Tell your daughter that the guy and the friend apparently aren't smart enough to bother with any way. After all the girl is supposed to ask the guy to the Sadie Hawkins dance, right?

PlacentiaSoccerMom · #19 Post by **PlacentiaSoccerMom** » Mon Mar 24, 2008 9:32 am

tanstaafl2 wrote:
PlacentiaSoccerMom wrote: About a half hour ago, the best friend texted my daughter and told her that the guy had asked her to Sadie Hawkins, what should she do?

Tell your daughter that the guy and the friend apparently aren't smart enough to bother with any way. After all the girl is supposed to ask the guy to the Sadie Hawkins dance, right?

That's what I thought.

mrkelley23 · #20 Post by **mrkelley23** » Mon Mar 24, 2008 11:27 am

I have a feeling that's probably what really happened, and the female type lied her little tuchus off, thinking perhaps Maddie wouldn't be quite as mad that way.

Teenaged girls are pure, unmitigated evil.

When they want to be, anyway.

WWTBAM Bored

Why do girls sabatoge other girls?

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