Got an interesting propostion today

[a1mamacat]

Most of you have followed my 'challenges" in parenthood through the years.

Had a meeting with my folks today, and they have offered to foot the bill to send himself to a boarding school, starting next year in grade 9.

My dad is of the opinion that I am too soft, and that he will walk all over me very shortly, and that he will get snapped into shape at a boarding school. My mom thinks the same, but in nicer terms lol.

Knowing my kid the way I do though, I think he will feel abandoned and discarded, and he has enough issues with his image as is. On the otherhand, he does need to have firmer discipline and more accountability.

I guess I'm looking for imput from those who have gone that route, or not, and some arguements for and against.

[kayrharris]

A very tough decision. How much do you know about the school? Does "wee James" know anything about this? It seems to me he has been doing much better lately. I'd sure think long and hard about it.

Do you know anyone who has a child there now? Has it made a difference? There are tons of questions and scenarios. Take your time and don't be pressured into anything. You've done a great job as mom so far. This isn't something that can be decided quickly.

[a1mamacat]

No specific school in mind yet, but there are three or four in a relatively close situation.

He has been doing better, but I am very worried about high school, and the influences there. He so very much wants to belong, and be in, that I fear he could easily be lead to the "wrong belonging" and way out group, simply for that feeling.

With a kid like James, I think you have one shot at getting it right, he is so smart, yet so out of it. I know that my brother did very well at a boarding school, and still has friends from there today, whereas I flitted through the public school system, did fall in with the wrong crowd, and regret it to this day.

[kayrharris]

You know him best and have some valid reasons for thinking about this option. He's very lucky to have concerned parents and grandparents willing to do whatever is necessary to keep him on the right path. Good luck!!

[Ritterskoop]

Coed or boys only? If he gets along with girls generally, now, I would advise against a boys' only school. Bearing in mind I only say this from what I see from folks who attended one-gendered schools, and that's only a few people. It might be fine.

Maybe leave aside the potential discipline or similar issues if he stayed home. Consider instead, if a school will be very good for him intellectually, and will challenge him in different ways than his current path. I would try to make the decision be about that, rather than about your relationship.

I would consult him but his wishes would be a clear minority opinion. But if you were 50/50 and he had an opinion, that might tip the scale.

Whatever you choose, it will be OK. Sometimes we look back and realize we could have gone another way, but that's just life. We learn stuff whichever path we're on.

[a1mamacat]

Coed or boys only? If he gets along with girls generally, now, I would advise against a boys' only school. Bearing in mind I only say this from what I see from folks who attended one-gendered schools, and that's only a few people. It might be fine.

Oh, he has just discovered girls, so I couldn't be that cruel lol, I'd look for coed.

Maybe leave aside the potential discipline or similar issues if he stayed home. Consider instead, if a school will be very good for him intellectually, and will challenge him in different ways than his current path. I would try to make the decision be about that, rather than about your relationship.

Most definitely, the intellectual is what I am most concerned with. He borders on gifted, but glides through with minimal effort.

I would consult him but his wishes would be a clear minority opinion. But if you were 50/50 and he had an opinion, that might tip the scale.

I have maintained all along that he needs the discipline of firmer teaching, but definitely the finances were a huge issue. This now makes it something feasible.

Whatever you choose, it will be OK. Sometimes we look back and realize we could have gone another way, but that's just life. We learn stuff whichever path we're on.

I know that, but I would like to know that I at least gave him many paths to look at.

[silvercamaro]

Although I don't know James, I think it's possible that he might consider boarding school to be an attractive option -- particularly since you've already said that "co-ed" is just fine.

When I was in the eighth grade, I read the ads for boarding schools that then were printed in the back of Seventeen magazine and sent away for several of the schools' brochures. I found one I particularly liked the sound of -- a girls' school in Lake Forest, Ill. -- and entered into correspondence with the headmistress to ask questions and inquire about scholarships. This continued until the cordial headmistress, either intrigued by this strange child from the hinterlands or disturbed that my parents were not part of this process, asked for their phone number to discuss possible options. I knew that was the death knell for this particular daydream, so I did not write again.

I had forgotten about all this until your post. As an early part of the discussion, however, suggest to James that -- because of the positive school experience of his uncle -- this is a possibility and ask him for his own opinion. Even if his is not the final word, I think it should not be delivered to your son as a fait accompli.

[Bob Juch]

Boarding schools have a "bad" crowd too, you know.

How about a private non-boarding school? That way you can keep an eye on him instead of trusting others.

[traininvain]

I would ask him what he thinks about it. Explaining that he is getting older and needs to make some choices for himself (not that he has the final say in this one, but...). I'd give him the chance to look into it with maybe visit to a couple of the schools and so on, and also explain to him that he needs to start challenging himself. So I would talk to him and get his feelings on the subject. He knows you love him so you've got the first step of the conversation already started.

Good luck

[PlacentiaSoccerMom]

Jeff's Dad's stepmother had Jeff's Dad sent to military school and he became a rocket scientist. He was held up as a threat to subsequent children, and nobody else was sent to military school.

The boys in Jeff's family were probabably similar to Jeff's Dad in temperment, but Jeff's Dad would never send them to military school because of his experience. He was/is a very hands on dad.

My daughter Emma is a lot like Jeff and Jeff's Dad and I could see where somebody might want to send them away for a few years....

Maddie had social issues in elementary school, but started to blossom in Middle School. She is incredibly busy in High School and loves every minute of it. She's doing Quiz Bowl three days a week, Mock Trial two days a week, Comedy Sportz twice a week, a play three days a week and has joined several drama related clubs. Her grades are incredible. The key is that she found people like her to be around. If I had sent her to the GATE magnet school, she would have been challenged more academically, but she is still being challenged and I think that she is becoming more well-rounded as a human being. (She would only be allowed to have one activity in the I.B. program at the magnet school.)

When you are in elementary school, if you are a quirky kid, it's less likely that you will find people who share your interests. In Middle School, there are more kids and it's more likely that there are more social niches.
There is so much stuff going on in high school, all kids have to do is sign up to do things and they will find people who share their interests.

Perhaps you should also investigate the local high school and see what kind of activities, clubs and classes would be available to James. If he is busy, he is less likely to cause trouble.

[christie1111]

Just me, but you asked for our opinions.

I couldn't do it.

As much as I would like to send my son to boarding school right now, and I wish I could I could at times, if it was an option right now, I couldn't do it.

I am also not sure it would be the best choice for him.

Only you can make the call. That is the hardest part though, as a single mom. My mom raised my twin sister and my 2 yrs. younger brother by herself after she got divorced when I was 6-ish. Hardest job I can imagine.

Personally, I get a read from you here, that your bond with James is too important to both of you to be able to be apart that much.

But if you or I figure out what to do with these boys to smack them into shape sometimes soon, it would be incredibly life changing for all involved.

My heart is with you in your decision Sweetie. I am only giving my opinion and would <virtually> hold your hand through all of it.

Kindred spirit Christie

[minimetoo26]

Wow--tough call.

My husband went to an all-male (well, duh--it was a Catholic Seminary!) boarding school at 14, and it didn't smack him into shape, but gave him the structure and guidance he just wasn't getting at home, and he became the most successful member of his family both personally and professionally.

But.

We're talking James here, and if he's anything like my Rain Man, he relies very much on you for those little things that come naturally to most people. Like I had to tell him he couldn't propose to the girl he loved until she was 18. Then when 18 gets closer, I will have to tell him that maybe the proposal should be more romantic than the "check yes or no" on notebook paper proposal...

I have really considered this, but I have the bigger problem of him not wanting to be different from his brothers, so if he went and the others didn't, it would feel like punishment or banishment to him. Sometimes I wonder if I shelter or coddle him too much. After two weeks, he told me not to come with him to the bus stop because no other moms did, and he's made it just fine without me.

Maybe try it out and see how he does? You don't want to regret not trying...

[peacock2121]

First off, what a gift your parents are offering you. Whether you accept or decline, take some time to appreciate the love they have for you and James.

I would talk it over with James. Ask his opinion. Tell him what you see would be provided and what you see would be missing. Make sure he doesn't see it as "go away school', but as a real opportunity for stuff that he would not get in the scholl and environment he now has.

I had always though of boarding schools as 'go away' schools, until I talked to people who had gone. Not one of them thought they were being sent away.

[a1mamacat]

He seems quite open to the idea, especially as one of the schools that is in consideration offers golf as one of the sports selections. My cousin's husband, who is a golf pro, went there and so that is another plus with him.

Both my nieces attend a private school as day students, and he is always interested in how they get along there. Still lots to talk about and think about, but so far the idea seems to be not totally dismissed by him.

[earendel]

Knowing my kid the way I do though, I think he will feel abandoned and discarded, and he has enough issues with his image as is. On the otherhand, he does need to have firmer discipline and more accountability.

I guess I'm looking for imput from those who have gone that route, or not, and some arguements for and against.

My parents were divorced when I was 10 and my mother was convinced that without a male influence in my life I'd end up a mess, so she enrolled me in a military school (Oklahoma Military Academy, Claremore, OK - no longer there) believing that it would "toughen me up".

I hated it. Part of the problem was that the school was more of a "last ditch option" for kids facing juvenile hall or other punishments, so there were a lot of brutes there. Another part of the problem was that the curriculum was a year behind what I had had in the public schools. When I got back to regular high chool after two years I was behind in the curriculum and had poor study habits.

If you decide to take this route, I'd investigate the school as thoroughly as you can to avoid problems like the ones I had.

[marrymeflyfree]

My two great high school 'loves' (heh) and several friends went to boarding schools.

Where I grew up, there were two very old boarding schools about an hour away in Chattanooga. One was coed, the other all-male. These two schools were right across the river from one another, and had a great rivalry.

Their reasons for going varied. For several cousins, it was family tradition. For most, it was because our local public high school wasn't very highly regarded. For one friend, it was because her parents were very old. She was a surprise baby, born when her oldest sibling was in her 20's.

Of my friends who went to these schools, most of them did really well...but 3 of them did end up pretty heavily into drugs. For what its worth, the only drug anyone did in my high school in those days was pot. But the kids at the boarding schools had access and $$ for harder stuff. I'd never seen cocaine until I spent a weekend there with a friend. I guess that is where it could get a little scary...in your local school in your hometown, there are fewer unknowns. You know many of the kids and the parents, will probably hear most of the gossip. With boarding schools that are not in your backyard, you are further out of the loop.[/list]

[Appa23]

Here is my .02 worth.

Boarding schools can be a tremendous experience, and give your son a leg up on college. As you may recall, I attended a boarding school for high school, and I enjoyed my time. (It was an all-male, boarding-during-the-week school).

Since it was a smaller school, it allowed me athletic opportunites that I otherwise never would have had. My school was very challenging, academically, as well as very spiritually rewarding.

My viewpoint always was "Your son likely is going to go off to school for college, so why fuss over a few years?" I can tell you that I was much better prepared with time management and study skills than 99% of the kids going off to college.

That being said, I do not like this idea that boarding school is being floated as if it is some kind of punishment for bad behavior (past or perceived future).

Since I do not know your son, it is hard to address the "abandonment" issue. However, as he goes through his teen years, he is going to need to mature into a more-independent man. If you think that a different school might help, then it is worth considering.

The only real negative that I see, looking back on my experience, was that I probably lost out on some social things by going to a all-male school. However, you seem to have addressed that my looking at coed schools.

The best advice that I can give is to keep an open mind and let James have some say in the decision.