Should I tell her that her son is rude?

[Vails]

My 6th-grader son has a friend he's been close to for a couple of years now. Nice kid, but we have two problems with him. He seems to handle frustration and losing really badly, but this question is about the other thing: He barely acknowledges Issa, my wife. I can't explain it, but it's true. He doesn't say hi to her when he comes over, and twice in the outside world in the past month, when she's greeted him by name, he's flat-out ignored her. She suspects race and/or gender issues (he's white, she's Asian). I don't know what it is, but my wife, who never passes up a good warpath, is on the warpath. The whole family, whom she never warmed to in the first place, is now dead to her, and she wants no more playdates. But the kid keeps calling our son and asking him to come over, and I now have to make an excuses not to. It happened again just now, and I have to call back with something to say. Should I continue to hedge, hoping the relationship just dies on the vine? That would be my ideal choice. Or, should I tell the truth to his mom, which would be 1) embarassing and awkward, 2) perhaps not worth saying in the first place, and 3) a step toward a reconciliation that Issa is not interested in anyway? As for my son, he likes the kid, but says he is deferring to us on this one.

[fantine33]

But the kid keeps calling our son and asking him to come over, and I now have to make an excuses not to. It happened again just now, and I have to call back with something to say. Should I continue to hedge, hoping the relationship just dies on the vine? That would be my ideal choice. Or, should I tell the truth to his mom, which would be 1) embarassing and awkward, 2) perhaps not worth saying in the first place, and 3) a step toward a reconciliation that Issa is not interested in anyway? As for my son, he likes the kid, but says he is deferring to us on this one.

Why make excuses? If you have to say something, say what it really is. Assuming your wife is just not taking things too personally or looking for offense, they should be the ones who are embarassed and feel awkward, not you.

Plus, you may be doing them a disservice by not confronting the issue to save hard feelings or avoid conflict. His parents might not have any idea that he behaves like that toward people when they're not around.

Or, possibly, if he really disliked your wife that much, it seems like he wouldn't keep calling and wanting to be with your son. Maybe the kid really has no idea how he's coming off and he's just entered that surly, assy place that boys go to for a couple of years in the early teens.

[tlynn78]

he's just entered that surly, assy place that boys go to for a couple of years in the early teens

lol- I love this desscription.

I suspect some boys never quite make it out of that place.

Vails, maybe the kid is having other issues that have nothing to do with Issa's race/gender - either way, it could be a terrific learning opportunity for the kid, and maybe yours as well, on how to handle these things. Good luck.

t.

[MarleysGh0st]

How does he interact with you? How about with other parents--any idea? Maybe he's just a shy kid.

[marrymeflyfree]

Is he a shy kid? Maybe it is as simple as that...or maybe he has the hots for your wife and can't bring himself to utter a word around her. Seems about the right age for a crush like that!

I would ask about it. You can probably find a way to bring it up to the parents gently...like asking if there is a reason that he might be uncomfortable around your wife? The answer will almost definitely be no, so that will open the door to why you are asking.

[Ritterskoop]

my wife, who never passes up a good warpath, is on the warpath.

I like this part the best.



I would tell the mom something is amiss. Maybe she can help figure out what it is. There is not much worse than losing a friend and not knowing why. Sometimes, if someone tells us what we are doing wrong, we can fix it.

[silvercamaro]

Although perhaps not likely, it's possible that the boy's father treats his mother rudely or otherwise ignores her. If so, the kid may be treating your wife the way he is learning to treat all adult women.

Make the call. If the parents are surprised and dismayed to learn about their son's behavior, they can take steps to help him iimprove it, for his sake for a lifetime. If they are not surprised, then perhaps the mother needs an eye-opener that such treatment is not accepted in other people's families.




Or perhaps I've seen one too many episodes of Jerry Springer.

[themanintheseersuckersuit]

Or perhaps I've seen one too many episodes of Jerry Springer.

or both

[Bob Juch]

Although perhaps not likely, it's possible that the boy's father treats his mother rudely or otherwise ignores her. If so, the kid may be treating your wife the way he is learning to treat all adult women.

Make the call. If the parents are surprised and dismayed to learn about their son's behavior, they can take steps to help him iimprove it, for his sake for a lifetime. If they are not surprised, then perhaps the mother needs an eye-opener that such treatment is not accepted in other people's families.

I agree with this 100%.

You're in the D.C. area, right? Maybe the kid has a problem from his family's foreign posting? Of course maybe they're all just rednecks.

[a1mamacat]

I'm just full of good advise tonight LOL

What, in all this, does your son think of his friend treating his mother rudely?

I would, first suggest to my son that he needs to tell his friend to smarten up and not be such a turd, and see what happens. If he doesn't go for that, then tell the little...ummmm.. person that he is no longer welcome in your home. If the friend asks why, well then tell him.

Too many people these days are worried about kid's "feelings". Well dammit, we grown ups have feelings too, and a kid in grade 6 can surely learn that his behaviour is unacceptable.

Gosh I'm being tough tonight.

"I do NOT have PSM...I'm just a bitch

[BackInTex]

What has been your wifes response to him?

If it were me, I would stop the boy and have a discussion with him, telling him what has occurred, how I viewed it, and ask if I have viewed it wrong. Let the boy acknowledge what has happend so he can correct it, or at least confirm his behvior. If your wife has not had a conversation with the boy, she is also being childish.

This reminds me of one of my nephews. When spending the night he would misbehave and completely ignore my reprimands and commands to behave. I finally stopped in on the stairs, leaned down and whispered in his ear so his mom would hear "Your mom and dad may not spank you, but you are in Uncle Brad's house and Uncle Brad WILLl spank you." He behaved the rest of his stay.

[Vails]

Thanks for the guidance, everyone! It definitely was all in favor of the nipping in the bud rather than of the dying on the vine. I will follow your advice.

It is tough, because we have inklings along the lines of shinycar's, about the dad, so I must tread carefully. And I do mean "I." Issa is not, what is word? diplomatic when it comes to these things.

I like saucy's suggestion too, that my son could tell the kid to get wise. Like us, he's all about manners (which maybe makes us too sensitive to another's indifference about them?), so he's on board.

To answer BiT, Issa had been sweet to the kid up until the second snub. There hasn't really been a chance for her to interact with him or the family since then. And she's happy to keep it that way. You say that's being childish, and I shrug at your opinion. She hides like a child but she's always a woman to me.

[a1mamacat]

I put the situation to Big J, as he is closer in age to the participants, and he said


Well, he should tell his friend to stop dissing his mom. It's so not cool.



There we have it...the voice of authority LOL

[Rexer25]

I put the situation to Big J, as he is closer in age to the participants, and he said


Well, he should tell his friend to stop dissing his mom. It's so not cool.



There we have it...the voice of authority LOL

Give Big J a rec from us, OK?

[Bixby17]

My 6th-grader son has a friend he's been close to for a couple of years now. Nice kid, but we have two problems with him. He seems to handle frustration and losing really badly, but this question is about the other thing: He barely acknowledges Issa, my wife. I can't explain it, but it's true. He doesn't say hi to her when he comes over, and twice in the outside world in the past month, when she's greeted him by name, he's flat-out ignored her. She suspects race and/or gender issues (he's white, she's Asian). I don't know what it is, but my wife, who never passes up a good warpath, is on the warpath. The whole family, whom she never warmed to in the first place, is now dead to her, and she wants no more playdates. But the kid keeps calling our son and asking him to come over, and I now have to make an excuses not to. It happened again just now, and I have to call back with something to say. Should I continue to hedge, hoping the relationship just dies on the vine? That would be my ideal choice. Or, should I tell the truth to his mom, which would be 1) embarassing and awkward, 2) perhaps not worth saying in the first place, and 3) a step toward a reconciliation that Issa is not interested in anyway? As for my son, he likes the kid, but says he is deferring to us on this one.

Given the bolded area above, he might have some sort of social problem. Some kids don't understand social rules and how to function appropriately with others and are immature for their age. He may not have any idea what he is doing at all.