Taunts and Counter-Taunts

[wintergreen48]

I think I whined in here about some of the taunts that I received from my (former) employer as my (former) employment was coming to an end: invitations to holiday parties and other events that were scheduled to take place AFTER I would no longer be there, notices that my passwords were about to expire and asking me if I wished to renew them... on my very last day; etc.

Then there is the economic taunt: although they will pay me, in full, the (I must say, very generous) bonus that I would have received for 2007, they will not allow me to cash in on the long-term incentive bonuses that I earned in previous years that vest in March: they say that this is only logical, because the purpose of that incentive is to incentivize people to stay with the company, and since I will not be with the company in March when the options and such vest, I cannot collect on them.

There was also the poke in the eye, where, just after I got my lay-off notice, I posted for a position with our Privacy Group (the people who develop and send out those privacy notices you get every year, the ones who fix the problem when supposedly secure data is released to the wrong person, etc.) For seven weeks, I received NO response to my posting, then I finally received an 'acknowledgment' from the hiring manager, advising me that (1) they offered the job to someone outside the company, who turned them down, but (2) they then found someone inside the company, and they offered him the job and he accepted it, so (3) they would not be taking any action on my application. This was annoying, not so much because they rejected me for a job I could have done in my sleep (it would have been a lateral move for me, but it was a promotion for the person who go it), without so much as a fare thee well, but because they somehow thought it necessary to rub my nose in it, and let me know that they were willing to go anywhere they could to find someone for the job, even to the point of recruiting 'outsiders' who had no interest in it, rather than consider me. Annoying.

Well. My (former) employer is very big on paper credentials and certifications, to the extent that they pay nice cash bonuses to people who earn certain certifications. The Big Three are to become a 'Certified Regulatory Compliance Manager' (CRCM), a 'Certified Anti-Money Laundering Specialist' (CAMS) and a 'Certified Information Privacy Officer' (CIPP). These bonuses total in the thousands of dollars; it's really big stuff. I received the CRCM and CAMS certifications in 2006 (and was paid nice bonuses for each one), and I signed up (or, rather, my former employer signed me up) for the examination that is required for the CIPP certification: they signed me up for it just before they laid me off, as it happens.

Well again. I think it was Samuel Johnson who observed that nothing so much focuses the mind as the knowledge that you will be hanged tomorrow; to this I would add the corollary that nothing so much causes the mind to disengage as being laid off. I found it VERY difficult to get pumped up for the CIPP exam: I missed the review classes that my (former) employer offers, mostly because, on the days that the classes were being held, my (former) employer sent me out of town to run some special due diligence projects on the banks that we acquired. We had a review text we were supposed to review, but I just couldn't force myself to open the book until the morning of the exam (before I was laid off, I usually got in to the office about 7 am; on the day of the exam, I got in at 7 am and started reading the book, which I did until the exam started at 9 am). My only motivation for this was pride (I've never flunked a licensing or certification exam) and, well, the very nice cash bonus that they pay.

Well yet again. The results came in on November 30, two days before my last day there. And I passed (in fact, my scores in most of the categories were the highest scores I've achieved on any such examination; when I say I could do the Privacy stuff in my sleep, I mean it). I stayed late that night filling out the paperwork for the very nice cash bonus that they pay... and this weekend I received that payment, in full. I also received a note from the Corporate Chief Compliance Officer congratulating me on my wonderful achievement, in which he noted how important it was for me, and how important it is to the success of my (former) employer that its associates (we were not 'employees,' we were 'associates') hold such certifications (I'm sure he put a lot of thought into that letter, and my position with the company).

Well for the last time: there is something just specially satisfying about knowing that after they canned me for the sake of the company's financial bottom line... they had to pay me a very nice cash bonus for something that they wanted me to do but that will actually do them no good at all (in addition to which they just paid my annual dues and fees for each of the three certifying organizations involved). Karma or something.

Oh, and those Big Three certifications... only five people at my (former) employer have earned all three... and my (former) employer has laid off two of us (the other one is my (former) manager). And the person who got that job for which they did not even consider me? He doesn't have any of the certifications that my (former) employer values so highly.

And they will continue to pay my salary (severance) until February 2009. What a great company.

[DevilKitty100]

Then there is the economic taunt:

For what little justice value there is in it, I and my (present) employer use CapOne cards heavily each month for field personnel expenses. I pay these bills semi-weekly. CapOne has never earned a penny interest from us. From what I understand, the credit card companies call customers like us.........deadbeats.

[silvercamaro]

Hurray for small, satisfying doses of revenge!

[Ritterskoop]

It is fun to smile at people through gritted teeth. Way to stick it to them!

[PlacentiaSoccerMom]

The Big Three certifications will help you if you want to find a new job, right?

[wintergreen48]

The Big Three certifications will help you if you want to find a new job, right?

So they say. In the respective fields, they are pretty big. The problem is that what I really want to do is teach ancient and medieval history, and those certifications are, alas, not directly applicable...

[MarleysGh0st]

Good for you, wintergreen!

I don't suppose there was an age difference between you and those others they offered the job to that had anything to do with it, hmmmm?

[Ritterskoop]

The Big Three certifications will help you if you want to find a new job, right?

So they say. In the respective fields, they are pretty big. The problem is that what I really want to do is teach ancient and medieval history, and those certifications are, alas, not directly applicable...

In this state you need only 18 hours of graduate work in your field to teach at the college level. No teaching experience, no teaching certificate. You can ask to student teach, if you want help, but you don't have to. So if you're not already "qualified," that way, you could get there in a couple of semesters.

Student evaluations will run you off quickly if you suck, and keep you around if you are wonderful, which you will be. Or already are.