Some Steve Wright thoughts.....

[ulysses5019]

......that include some insights to recent bored topics



1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- They don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend.....but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever......so far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines..

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychic's have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

[Jeemie]

35. I once got a packet of instant water. I didn't know what to add.

[earendel]

I was walking down the street when the prescription for my glasses expired.

[minimetoo26]

I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included so I had to buy them again.

My favorite is printed on the back of T-shirts they sell at Phantom Ranch at the bottom of the Grand Canyon:

Everything is in walking distance, if you have the time.

[Rexer25]

I have a friend who is 6 inches tall. He makes a living by posing for trophies...

[SportsFan68]

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Ward Churchill's under the gun for plagiarism right now. He claims it's pretextual. I'll start another thread in case anybody wants to comment.

[minimetoo26]

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Ward Churchill's under the gun for plagiarism right now. He claims it's pretextual. I'll start another thread in case anybody wants to comment.

That's what ALL the boys say when the girl presses charges...

[ulysses5019]

I'll join the fray.....

"I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

[secondchance]

Those are hilarious. Thanks for the morning smiles.

[George Carlin]

You could try working a little vulgarity and social commentary into your routine, Steve-O.

That and maybe you should try some of mini's coffee before you go onstage. The Pope is better at keeping me awake when he reads the fucking Vatican phone book on that huge balcony....

[frogman042]

I love Steve Wright - but are all these really attributed to him? Some don't sound like him and some sound like they are from other sources.

---Jay

[TheCalvinator24]

I believe about 5 of the original list are actually from Wright. The rest are just general bon mots.

I love Steven Wright's comedy.

[frogman042]

I believe about 5 of the original list are actually from Wright. The rest are just general bon mots.

I love Steven Wright's comedy.

That's what I thought - misapplying them to Mr. Wright does him a deservices IMO - as they dilute the true genius of his work. I'm pretty sure I heard Kurt Vounagut say that at a speach to graduates.

[ulysses5019]

I believe about 5 of the original list are actually from Wright. The rest are just general bon mots.

I love Steven Wright's comedy.

That's what I thought - misapplying them to Mr. Wright does him a deservices IMO - as they dilute the true genius of his work. I'm pretty sure I heard Kurt Vounagut say that at a speach to graduates.

This from his wiki page:

Numerous lists of jokes attributed to Wright circulate on the Internet, sometimes of dubious origin. Wright has stated
"someone showed me a site, and half of it that said I wrote it, I didn't write. Recently, I saw one, and I didn't write any of it. What's disturbing is that with a few of these jokes, I wish I had thought of them. A giant amount of them, I'm embarrassed that people think I thought of them, because some are really bad."[4]

[minimetoo26]

I believe about 5 of the original list are actually from Wright. The rest are just general bon mots.

I love Steven Wright's comedy.

That's what I thought - misapplying them to Mr. Wright does him a deservices IMO - as they dilute the true genius of his work. I'm pretty sure I heard Kurt Vounagut say that at a speach to graduates.

Was he wearing sunscreen?

[Sisyphean Fan]

Those are hilarious. Thanks for the morning smiles.

Yes, but we've already established that you are easily amused, Holly.

[TheCalvinator24]

These are the ones that I think may be genuine Wright one-liners.

......that include some insights to recent bored topics


11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend.....but she left me before we met.

19 - I intend to live forever......so far, so good.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

[ulysses5019]

I believe about 5 of the original list are actually from Wright. The rest are just general bon mots.

I love Steven Wright's comedy.

That's what I thought - misapplying them to Mr. Wright does him a deservices IMO - as they dilute the true genius of his work. I'm pretty sure I heard Kurt Vounagut say that at a speach to graduates.

Was he wearing sunscreen?

Well, he sure as heck wasn't wearing Elmers.

[NellyLunatic1980]

24-hour banking. I don't have time for that.

[elwoodblues]

I once put instant coffee in the microwave. I almost went back in time.

[secondchance]

Those are hilarious. Thanks for the morning smiles.

Yes, but we've already established that you are easily amused, Holly.

True, as well as just plain easy. I do live in the Valley, ya know.

[littlebeast13]

Those are hilarious. Thanks for the morning smiles.

Yes, but we've already established that you are easily amused, Holly.

True, as well as just plain easy. I do live in the Valley, ya know.

Easy and skanky!

lb13

[secondchance]

Yes, but we've already established that you are easily amused, Holly.

True, as well as just plain easy. I do live in the Valley, ya know.

Easy and skanky!

lb13

What can I say - it's a gift.

[kroxquo]

How about these:

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I have a model of the Earth. It's scaled one to one.

[ShamelessWeasel]

I'll see your Steven wright and raise you some Emo Philips

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there’s never any gum under any of them.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, I don’t know… reelection to the Senate?

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you’ll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.

People come up to me and say, Emo, do people really come up to you?

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, I’m going to mop the floor with your face.
I said, You’ll be sorry.
He said, Oh, yeah? Why?
I said, Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.

I’m a great lover, I’ll bet.

I got new underwear for Christmas...well new to me.