WINK MARTINSQUIRREL: Hello everyone, and welcome to another exciting edition of The Dating Game! Hey, I just heard we celebrated two milestones in the same day yesterday! Would you believe we had out 100th marriage that was a direct result of couples meeting on this show!
WINK MARTINSQUIRREL: Yes, and we also had our 50th divorce result from those 100 marriages. Well, we still have a better track record than Vegas, baby! Hey, what do you say we meet today's lucky bachelorette? Ladies and gentlemen, coming to us all the way from East Hartford, Connecticut, she's an auditor looking for love.... please welcome.... the lovely.... Sunflower!
WINK MARTINSQUIRREL: (Kisses her cheek) So, what brings you out to sunny California to appear on our show?
SUNFLOWER: Well Wink, I'm looking for that special someone to take the place of my old love who left me last December...
WINK MARTINSQUIRREL: You mean your ex-boyfriend?
SUNFLOWER: No, I meant Linens N Things. First they quit accepting my coupons, then they go belly up and kicked me to the curb like an unwanted puppy! How ungrateful!
WINK MARTINSQUIRREL: I see...
SUNFLOWER: Oh yeah, my (CENSORED) BF ditched me too. But I'm all over him and ready to find my next love! Where are those bachelors at?
WINK MARTINSQUIRREL: Well, since you asked, there are three very eligible bachelors behind that wall right there! You'll get to question them individually during the show, and at the end of the show, you get to pick which one you'd like to take out on an all-expenses paid date!
SUNFLOWER: Yay!! Sounds like fun!!!
WINK MARTINSQUIRREL: Well, if you're ready Sunflower... let's play The Dating Game!
SUNFLOWER: Alrighty then! Hello bachelors!
ALL BACHELORS: Hello Sunflower!
SUNFLOWER: Ooh, you all sound so wonderful together, kind of like the last time I sat on my cat. OK, here we go! Bachelor #1, I hope one day to appear on The Amazing Race. Do you have any lofty goals in life?
MARLEY: Lofty goals? Do you realize how many times I have auditioned to be on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Do you have any idea what kind of roadblocks _TPTB_ throws in your way trying to get to the Hot Seat?
SUNFLOWER: Um.... no I don't Bachelor #1. It was pretty easy for me.
MARLEY: <grumble>®
SUNFLOWER: Alrighty then, Bachelor #2! What's your ideal location for a first date?
CLEM: Definitely the skaping rink. I take all the chicks down there when I meet them, even the ones old enough to be my grandmother.
SUNFLOWER: Ooooh!!! I love skaping!!! That sounds like an excellent first date!!
CLEM: (Leans back in chair) Just remember I'm #2 at the end. That's T-W-O....
SUNFLOWER: Well, Bachelor #3! What's the one thing you look for the most in a romantic relationship?
Bachelor #3
EVIL SQUIRREL: SCRITCHES! Lots and lots of scritches!!! Nothing says "I love you" and makes me close my eyes, smile, and move my left leg uncontrollably like a good scritching.
SUNFLOWER: Um... I see....
EVIL SQUIRREL: Well, OK, maybe a few butt sugars, But I usually wait for a second date before I start begging for that treatment...
SUNFLOWER: Bachelor #3, I think you've just given me a hairball. Ack! Um, Bachelor #1, what would you do if you had a million dollars to spend?
MARLEY: Well, how in the hell am I supposed to know? Nobody will even give me a chance to win it! I'd just do something completely boring with it anyway, probably put it in the bank, or get it all in dollar coins so I could count it on my desk everyday.
SUNFLOWER: I guess you can't buy personality. Bachelor #2! My skaping buddy! What would you think if I brought my pair of Hello Kitty skapes with me on our first date?
CLEM: I would find the nearest burning trash can and deposit those sickening things inside. They oughta help keep some bum warm for a few hours. Nobody should ever wear something so hideous on their feet!
EVIL SQUIRREL: (Looks at Clem's shoes) I've painted raccoon poop that looks prettier than those nasty things you're wearing...
CLEM: You insult the shoes again and I'm gonna strangle you with your own tail! Don't hate me because I'm beautiful!
SUNFLOWER: Bachelor #3! If you could be any animal, any creature at all, what would you want to be?
EVIL SQUIRREL: Is this a trick question? Baby (Stands up on his chair), I am 100% all natural squirrel and damn proud of it! There isn't another critter on God's Green Earth that is as adorable and lovable and Snuggley soft as I am. Do I get any scritches yet? I haven't had any since I stopped in Colorado on the way here...
SUNFLOWER: (Turns to Wink) Isn't it time for a commercial break yet? Sigh, OK, back to Bachelor #1. What's the most exciting thing you've ever done in your life?
MARLEY: Huh? What kind of questions are these you're asking? Are you an AP for the show or something? Am I gonna have to stomp on Bachelor #3 to get picked by you? When are people going to accept us boring MAWGs for what we are anyway?
CLEM: Smooth move, dude. Like she's gonna pick your ass now....
SUNFLOWER: Um, Bachelor #2, what do you like to do for fun when you're not ice skaping?
CLEM: Well, I guess when I'm not in class posting on my iPod, I'm...
SUNFLOWER: Oh, you're still in school?
CLEM: Yes, I'm.... hey, wait a minute! How old are you anyway? If you're over 21, that ain't gonna cut it. You sound like you're too old for me...
SUNFLOWER: Well! (Huffs and pouts) Wink, where did you find these bachelors at, the Dollar General Outlet Store? Sheesh, Bachelor #3, please rescue me from this insanity! Do you have any interesting hobbies that I might enjoy participating in?
EVIL SQUIRREL: Heck yes! I'm a drawing fool!
SUNFLOWER: You mean you're an artist? That sounds exciting!
EVIL SQUIRREL: Hold it a minute while I paint your picture in my head. I see a cute little face, big sparkling eyes, a nice long fluffy black and white tail....
SUNFLOWER: Fluffy black and white... WHAT!!?!?!?!?
EVIL SQUIRREL: I always wanted to date a skunkette... lets me save my special bottle of Stetson Squirrel for all the little redheads out there who love me now that I'm a lock to be picked by you...
SUNFLOWER: That is disgusting! You are disgusting! I wish I'd have just stayed home and stuck with being matched on 29 dimensions of compatability....
EVIL SQUIRREL: Great! (Turns to Clem) Look what you did you horse's ass! You pissed off my date for the night with that age crack!
CLEM: You (Alliteratively Censored) fuzz-faced freak of nature! (Rears back and explodes ES's nose)
EVIL SQUIRREL: (Holds nose with both paws to keep brains from oozing out) Oooh, you're gubba bay bor dat bun! (ES jumps on Clem and begins biting and scratching at him. The two fall to the floor rasslin')
MARLEY: Guys, guys! Please show a little civility!
CLEM: (Reaches behind him and grabs ES by the tail) Now you're gonna get what you deserve you flea-infested fuzznut! (Clem swings ES around by the tail and flings him into the wall separating the bachelors from the main stage, sending it crashing down in a thud and killing two staffers.)
WINK MARTINSQUIRREL: Oh dear, I only hope this will be good for our ratings. SECURITY! Will you please escort the bachelors off the set! And make sure to frisk them for anything they might have stolen from the green room, especially that mangey squirrel...
SUNFLOWER: I shoulda just taken the parting gifts...
WINK MARTINSQUIRREL: I'm sorry, Sunflower, we'll bring out three new bachelors now...
SUNFLOWER: NO! Please, no! Just... maybe I should leave well enough alone.
WINK MARTINSQUIRREL: But we've still got 10 minutes left in the program...
SUNFLOWER: Or maybe... maybe.... (Smiles at Wink) Maybe my future boyfriend really is in the studio today!
WINK MARTINSQUIRREL: Ummmm, what do you mean?
SUNFLOWER: Is it still all expenses paid if I take the host out on a date?
WINK MARTINSQUIRREL: (Sweating and stammering) Uh, I don't think that's in the legalese anywhere...
SUNFLOWER: Aw, come on Wink! Who's gonna care?
WINK MARTINSQUIRREL: Maybe Mrs. Martinsquirrel?
SUNFLOWER: Aw, rats! All of the good men are already taken! Hey, that cameraguy over there looks cute! Hey Sailor!
WINK MARTINSQUIRREL: I think we can just end the show early today. Would you like to help me blow a kiss to the audience?
SUNFLOWER: I'd like to blow a kiss to that cutie behind Camera #2 over there! (Waves to the camera) Nice headset!
WINK MARTINSQUIRREL: (Groan) Goodnight everybody! See you back here same time same station tomorrow, assuming we're still on the air....
