depressing, sad story

[ghostjmf]

The nephew of someone at work died in his sleep a few days ago. Which is, I guess, "the way to go", except that he was only 55. Left behind grieving widow & children, & extended family.

His kidneys apparently "weren't too good", but the real cause of death was heart attack.

But he'd been to the doctor recently, the doctor had told him he had advanced arteriosclerosis, which I have probably mis-spelled, & he told his wife "doctor says I'm fine". A few days ago he told her where all the insurance info was "in case you need it".

And now he's gone.

Why do people do that?

Yes, this is a rhetorical question.

The doctor didn't say "you have a few days to live"; the doctor had said "we can treat this".

Some people are fatalists. And hear what they thought they heard. For all I know, the guy had already had 6 heart attacks he didn't report. But at some point the medical representative, because that's the only one that can, has to get some sense into them. Somehow.

Or stuff like this happens.

[tlynn78]

That is sad. After lotsandlotsandlots of experience with medico-types, I've come to the same conclusion with medical stuff that I eventually did with educational stuff. I decided a teachers job is NOT to make me learn. A teacher's job is to present the info I should/need to learn. It is my job to do the learning. For me, it's the same with docs. Present me with the info, but it's up to me (solely my responsibility) to follow the advice, research if I have questions, etc. I rock at this with hubby issues, but SUCK at it with my own health. Pea needs to kick my own ass.


t.

[silverscreenselect]

The doctor didn't say "you have a few days to live"; the doctor had said "we can treat this".

Some people are fatalists. And hear what they thought they heard. For all I know, the guy had already had 6 heart attacks he didn't report. But at some point the medical representative, because that's the only one that can, has to get some sense into them. Somehow.

Or stuff like this happens.

My mother was in reasonably good physical health for a woman of 80. However, shortly after she turned 80, she got the idea into her head that she had lived long enough. It didn't help that her doctor, who was a young woman essentially running a practice off what she could make from Medicare cases referred to her from a couple of senior citizen homes, never really took what my mother was saying seriously.

She essentially spent her waking hours sitting in her chair watching television, with a diet consisting of a couple of bottles of that Boost energy supplement daily. After a while my brother and I went down to Florida to get her and bring her back to Atlanta where we could look after her better (this happened between the time of my Millionaire taping and the time it aired). Some new doctors got her off her old medications and onto some new ones and it helped a bit, but the first time she had a real physical problem, she took it as a sign the end was near and pretty much gave up.

It's such a horrible feeling to be around a loved one who has essentially given up and knowing there's nothing you can do about it.

[BigDrawMan]

i am going to a funeral home tonite, as my buds stepdad died.My buds mother was in the hospital for a cancer surgery(three whole days), and got home Saturday.Her hubby was bringing dinner to her 2nd floor bedroom Sunday nite, tripped on the top step, fell backwards and died.

not looking forward to this

[Bob Juch]

There are people who say, "This is no fun anymore," and give up. Who are we to say they must live to make us happy?

[cindy.wellman]

There are people who say, "This is no fun anymore," and give up. Who are we to say they must live to make us happy?

I understand what you are saying. I would hate to keep someone around just to make me happy. I do realize I am selfish and happen to like that person. Although I understand the concept, it just feels sad to let them go.

Like in SSS's case, to let the person know that there is an option besides giving up is important though. I think this is especially true if they think there are no other options available.

Thanks for the reminder, Bob.

[tlynn78]

not looking forward to this

I wouldn't either. That is very sad. You're a good bud.

t.

[ghostjmf]

BobJuch says:

There are people who say, "This is no fun anymore," and give up. Who are we to say they must live to make us happy?

I think the guy I was talking about was not one of those people, though. He didn't pull some tubes out or turn off a machine, or stop eating. He just refused to pay attention to the doctor, even though he possibly understood he could die if he refused. There were no signs he was depressed or felt his life was over; he just appears to have been the kind of fatalist who refuses medical attention, or at least puts it off. In this case, fatally.


I knew someone who a few years ago refused to be put on oxygen because carting around a tank would cramp their lifestyle. They died very shortly thereafter. I was furious at them for the pain they caused their friends & relatives by dying so quickly, but frankly they caused me little but pain when they were alive, & I found their decision completely in keeping with their personality.

I also thought it was informed mostly by their having watched the Terry Schiavo case on TV, even though they were fully conscious when they made their own, in my opinion very stupid, decision.

So there are people who are basically too willful or opinionated to get to listen to reason. I don't think, from my friend's description of him, the guy I was originally talking about was such a person. But he was scared by the doctor's diagnosis. I think at some point the doctors have to make a sincere attempt to get their patients informed beyond the initial piece of information that scared them. I know doctors are not allowed to talk to relatives without the patient's permission, but they should at least ask for that permission. Maybe something someone is too scared to hear about on their own will be something they'll be willing to listen to with friends & family around them.

[etaoin22]

Bunch of tough life dilemmas; so, let's solve them all..

For the deceased nephew, this seems to qualify as "sudden cardiac death" which is an electrical phenomenon, rather than a suddenly blocked artery. No matter what the MD does, this fellow was going to be at increased risk forever. What is interesting from the "communications theory" types, is that --given the discussion about the insurance policies -- he may have wanted to "come clean" with his wife first, and then be amenable to changing diet, exercise, new meds, and so on.

BDM's friend's step-dad: Terrible. The morbidity, mortality and costs among close ones should really be calculated for these efficient discharge protocols. (Of course, you can die, like John Gregory Dunne, after visiting your close one in hospital...). BDM will be a real bud,as always, of course. Kinda mensch you want around at times like..

Sorry to hear about your mum's experience, SSS. Unexplained functional decline in a reasonably well 80year old is a protean kind of thing which covers everything from vitamin problems to early dementia to liver or kidney disease to severe depression. And then there is a spiritual and philosophic dimension, after you look at all the diagnosable things, and making choices from free will, I think.

Tlynn is absolutely right,then, sez me. Of course in our society, someone may be "metricking" your docs on how well they can make you follow the current official party line...

And for Bob, Paul McCartney comes into my mind: Fun is the one thing that money can't buy.