Smart Answers

[ToLiveIsToFly]

It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John. 'What are my choices?' John asked.

Spoiler

'Yes or no'

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Spoiler

'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger ?'

Spoiler

'No ma'am, they're dead.'

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said.

Spoiler

'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, ' Low Bridge overhead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh.'

Spoiler

'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.'

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

Spoiler

'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

Two bonus extras:

One: A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, 'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?'
The clerk says, 'What denomination?'

Spoiler

'God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.'

Two: A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mir ro r. She i s not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

Spoiler

'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

He never heard the shot

[ne1410s]

Two balding guys--not bald: balding, take a pickup over to the river to buy watermelons. They paid a dollar each and came back to Galesburg and sold them for a dollar each. When they counted the money the younger man says, "We didn't make any money." The older and wiser guy says, "Dumbass, I told you we needed a bigger truck!!"

[themanintheseersuckersuit]

Two balding guys--not bald: balding, take a pickup over to the river to buy watermelons. They paid a dollar each and came back to Galesburg and sold them for a dollar each. When they counted the money the younger man says, "We didn't make any money." The older and wiser guy says, "Dumbass, I told you we needed a bigger truck!!"

And then they went on to work for GM.

[TheConfessor]

One: A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, 'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?'
The clerk says, 'What denomination?'

Spoiler

'God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.'

I thought stereotyped blondes aren't supposed to be good at math.

[themanintheseersuckersuit]

One: A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, 'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?'
The clerk says, 'What denomination?'

Spoiler

'God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.'

I thought stereotyped blondes aren't supposed to be good at math.

She had help from her lawyer

"Blonde Jokes" Support Workplace Emotional Distress Claim
Posted on November 14, 2008 by Dennis Westlind

Usually when I get an employment lawsuit alleging "negligent infliction of emotional distress," I chuckle to myself and immediately begin drafting a motion to dismiss. However, a recent case out of the Washington Court of Appeals may indicate that NIED claims are not totally frivolous!

In Strong v. Wright, the plaintiff sued her former supervisor because he told "blonde jokes" (apparently plaintiff was blonde), made fun of her house, ridiculed her husband's job, and referred to her as a "bum mother" because she put her son in therapy. The plaintiff alleged that this treatment "caused her to vomit and to have anxiety attacks, depression, and heart palpitations." Really. Blonde jokes=heart palpitations.