My Mother

Message

PlacentiaSoccerMom · #1 Post by **PlacentiaSoccerMom** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 1:00 pm

My mother and I had the dreaded Christmas conversation.

I dislike Christmas because when I was growing up it was always held hostage for good behavior. It was a control type of thing. When my mother visits on Christmas it isn't relaxing and the girls and I end up being miserable.

Last year I told her that we were going out town because we were planning on going to Las Vegas. There was a huge scene! We ended up not being able to go out of town because my transmission failed and it took weeks to get my car back. It was the first time that it was just the four of us and we had so much fun together. We went to the movies, we played games, the girls didn't fight, everyone made dinner together. Because of the crazy schedules, we never have time for that kind of thing.

So today she asked about Christmas. I told her that she was invited, but staying for ten days at our house, as she usually does was too long. I told her that Maddie, Emma and I are totally stressed out right now with all of our responsibilities and we needed some time to rest during the break. In addition, I asked her not to come the first few days of the kid's vacation, because the girls and I needed some time to sleep and become "human" again so that it would be a nicer visit for everyone.

I thought that it was a reasonable request. She started crying and tried to do the guilt thing about "not being a bother" and that she doesn't expect us to entertain her all day. (She does though and when we don't interact with her 24/7 she stalks off to go visit my sister at the Cemetery.) Now she is saying the I have imposed too many restrictions on the visit and she doesn't want to come.

I think that she is waiting for me to beg her to come and I am not going to do it. Jeff is proud of me for standing up to her and being honest, even though it always ends up in a scene when she doesn't get her way.

silvercamaro · #2 Post by **silvercamaro** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 1:04 pm

If she doesn't want to come, that is her decision.

You have my permission to throw away any possible guilt.

nitrah55 · #3 Post by **nitrah55** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 1:06 pm

Be strong. You're doing the right thing.

christie1111 · #4 Post by **christie1111** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 1:07 pm

silvercamaro wrote:If she doesn't want to come, that is her decision.

You have my permission to throw away any possible guilt.

She could put it in a suitcase and throw it away!

Beebs52 · #5 Post by **Beebs52** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 1:09 pm

Ditto. Seriously.

PlacentiaSoccerMom · #6 Post by **PlacentiaSoccerMom** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 1:19 pm

silvercamaro wrote:If she doesn't want to come, that is her decision.

You have my permission to throw away any possible guilt.

Thank you. I feel guilty, but not guilty. I told her that she was invited. I think that four or five days is a reasonable length for a visit. She made her own decision.

For so many years the only way I could deal with her is to keep my mouth closed and not fight her on anything because she starts crying and pulls the guilt trips. I don't think that it's healthy to have that kind of relationship and I don't want my girls to feel that they have to be that way with me when I get older.

a1mamacat · #7 Post by **a1mamacat** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 1:21 pm

Just change the locks, change the phone number, and enjoy Christmas with your nuclear family. Guilt is a terrible weapon.

Or, tell her that Zap has a thing about old ladies and you fear for her safety..

peacock2121 · #8 Post by **peacock2121** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 1:22 pm

No one can make you do things because you feel guilty (no one can make you feel guilty either, but that is a very long conversation).

You can feel guilty and do what you see is best for you.

Congratulations on doing just that.

Ritterskoop · #9 Post by **Ritterskoop** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 1:26 pm

It's her game, and you are not playing.

If you recall from WarGames, sometimes the only way to win is not to play the game.

tlynn78 · #10 Post by **tlynn78** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 1:29 pm

Jeff is proud of me for standing up to her and being honest

I'm proud of you, too.

I don't think that it's healthy to have that kind of relationship and I don't want my girls to feel that they have to be that way with me when I get older.

I'm guessing your answer will be yes, but have you had this conversation with your mom, like, at a time that isn't around a holiday? I have issues with my mom, but several years ago decided to just be honest with her. Now, when she starts showing her favoritisms, I call her on them. When she starts the guilt thing, I call her on it. She still pouts and tries things, but it's slowly changing.

t.

MarleysGh0st · #11 Post by **MarleysGh0st** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 1:50 pm

The restrictions you mentioned were not unreasonable. Don't accept the guilt trip.

secondchance · #12 Post by **secondchance** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 2:40 pm

isn't there an old saying about what visiting relatives and fish have in common?

... It's good to have them around for about 3 days. Then they start stinkin'.

#13 Post by **Bob78164** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 2:42 pm

PlacentiaSoccerMom wrote:(She does though and when we don't interact with her 24/7 she stalks off to go visit my sister at the Cemetery.)

You had a sister? --Bob

themanintheseersuckersuit · #14 Post by **themanintheseersuckersuit** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 2:46 pm

We are here to affirm for you that what you know to be true, is.

We are your reality check, Listen to Jeff, Maddie, Emma and the bored, in that order*.

*Any mention of your mother was intentionally omitted.

WheresFanny · #15 Post by **WheresFanny** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 3:05 pm

Okay, although I pretty much agree with everybody that it's her choice and you don't have to feel guilty about it, I read something different here.

Judging from how you talk about how much you enjoyed having Christmas with just the four of you last year, weren't you sort of hoping that if you gave her restrictions that she'd get all pissed off and refuse to come? Thereby enabling you to say 'well, you were invited. It was your choice not to' but you still get the just the four of you Christmas at the same time?

If I was going to go visit family that I didn't see all the time and they told me I could only stay so many days and I couldn't arrive until such and such a day, it would chap my hide a bit. But I'm kind of a bitch that way. And, truthfully, I'd be looking for a way out of going in the first place, so it would work for my purposes.

But I'm sure PlacentiaSoccerMom'sMom will be along shortly to tell us how it REALLY went down, and how she REALLY feels and how you should REALLY feel about it.

jayhawker536 · #16 Post by **jayhawker536** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 3:26 pm

I have always agreed with what Second Chance had to say - the 3 days, fish and any company (not just family) thing.

I am curious if PM is her mother's only family since the death of her sister? That would be tough, from both sides.

Lastly, I totally and completely agree with Fanny on this one.

kayrharris · #17 Post by **kayrharris** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 3:31 pm

On thing about this bored, we have no problem telling it like
we think it should be. No way I'm touching this subject...I'm a middle child
and avoid conflict at all cost.

PlacentiaSoccerMom · #18 Post by **PlacentiaSoccerMom** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 8:23 pm

Bob78164 wrote:
PlacentiaSoccerMom wrote:(She does though and when we don't interact with her 24/7 she stalks off to go visit my sister at the Cemetery.)
You had a sister? --Bob

Yes, my parents had sex twice.

She died in car accident when she was 15. She was always the favorite child and by going to the cemetery my mother reminds me that even though my sister is dead, she is still the favorite.

PlacentiaSoccerMom · #19 Post by **PlacentiaSoccerMom** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 8:28 pm

WheresFanny wrote:Okay, although I pretty much agree with everybody that it's her choice and you don't have to feel guilty about it, I read something different here.

Judging from how you talk about how much you enjoyed having Christmas with just the four of you last year, weren't you sort of hoping that if you gave her restrictions that she'd get all pissed off and refuse to come? Thereby enabling you to say 'well, you were invited. It was your choice not to' but you still get the just the four of you Christmas at the same time?

If I was going to go visit family that I didn't see all the time and they told me I could only stay so many days and I couldn't arrive until such and such a day, it would chap my hide a bit. But I'm kind of a bitch that way. And, truthfully, I'd be looking for a way out of going in the first place, so it would work for my purposes.

But I'm sure PlacentiaSoccerMom'sMom will be along shortly to tell us how it REALLY went down, and how she REALLY feels and how you should REALLY feel about it.

I thought that four or five days was a good compromise. I would have a better holiday without her, but I wanted her to have the chance to visit with the girls, but I can't handle another nine day visit, espeically when the girls are only off for 14 days. The girls are mentally fried right now, they need a few days to recuperate before they can be good hosts. I also went to spend time with them just goofing off.

I don't enjoy her visits at all because we can't have an honest conversation. Then there are the quirks, she does things like pack up her dirty clothes and announce to all of us that she is going to the laundromat to do her laundry because she "doesn't want to be a bother" so we beg her to do the laundry at our house. Jeff said that I should just let her go to the laundromat.

MarleysGh0st · #20 Post by **MarleysGh0st** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 8:29 pm

Oh, I'm so sorry, PSM.

I hope that interpretation of your mother's actions (re: your sister and the cemetary) isn't really accurate, though.

PlacentiaSoccerMom · #21 Post by **PlacentiaSoccerMom** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 8:32 pm

jayhawker536 wrote:I have always agreed with what Second Chance had to say - the 3 days, fish and any company (not just family) thing.

I am curious if PM is her mother's only family since the death of her sister? That would be tough, from both sides.

Lastly, I totally and completely agree with Fanny on this one.

My mom lives in Oregon near her brother and his girlfriend. I invited my mother down here for Thanksgiving because we were hosting and I thought the visit would be easier if she were part of a crowd. She told me that she wouldn't be finished with Operation Santa. I knew that it wasn't true. My uncle's girfriend said it wasn't true. My uncle and his girlfriend wanted to go camping for Thanksgiving, but couldn't because my mother wouldn't come to Southern California so they felt obligated to stay. They also knew that she would be finished with Operation Santa in plenty of time to come down here but she made up her mind to stay up there.

PlacentiaSoccerMom · #22 Post by **PlacentiaSoccerMom** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 8:37 pm

MarleysGh0st wrote:Oh, I'm so sorry, PSM.

I hope that interpretation of your mother's actions (re: your sister and the cemetary) isn't really accurate, though.

I couldn't do anything right when I was growing up. My sister was the blond-haired blue eyed favorite who could do no wrong. (I was my Dad's favorite, but she had custody.) It was only after I had kids that she wanted anything to do with me. For instance, she slapped me on my wedding day when I was getting ready to walk down the aisle. I've tried to talk to her about the past, but I can't because she refuses to be honest.

MarleysGh0st · #23 Post by **MarleysGh0st** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 8:42 pm

Oy!

kayrharris · #24 Post by **kayrharris** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 8:45 pm

I hope she has or will consider counseling. If she hasn't, it's certainly time to
start. I'm very sorry....the scars from this type thing last a lifetime.

Beebs52 · #25 Post by **Beebs52** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 10:06 pm

I maintain my "ditto" from earlier. If it's any consolation, many families are warped and screwed up. They really are. I'm sorry you have to deal with what you have to deal with. Sometimes drawing a line in the sand is necessary to preserve your and your family's sanity, which takes precedence over another relative's attempts at encroachment. Even if it's a mother. Regardless of age or condition. Especially if that mother is the relative continually trying to encroach weirdly. It's not like you're going to throw her under a literal bus or anything.

Know and believe what you're doing and don't steep in guilt.

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