help please

[lilyvonschtupp26]

I have a friend who needs to be cheered up. Anybody know any good jokes?

[Vandal]

The past, present and future walk into a bar.

Bartender says: "This is going to be tense."

[Bob Juch]

Two Blondes waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first blonde asked the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde.

"You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second blonde shakes his head. "What a pity. If only you had looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive!"

[ToLiveIsToFly]

Did you hear about the bedbugs that fell in love?

Spoiler

They were married in the spring.

What's green and fuzzy and if it falls out of a tree, can kill you?

Spoiler

Pool table

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Spoiler

Anyone can roast beef.

Why'd the Joker want to kill Batman?

Spoiler

Because he fucking hated him.

How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a lightbulb?

Spoiler

Yeah, that's right, you don't know, because YOU WEREN'T THERE!

What'd the fish say when it swam into a concrete wall?

Spoiler

Dam

Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Spoiler

If they lived by the bay, they'd be bagels.

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Spoiler

I'm not sure, but I think it was Gwyneth Paltrow's head in a box.

Why did the banana go to the doctor?

Spoiler

It wasn't peeling well

What's the difference between an elephant and a grape?

Spoiler

Grapes are purple

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?

Spoiler

Here come the elephants over the hill

What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming over the hill?

Spoiler

Here come the grapes over the hill. (She was colorblind.)

Why are divorces so expensive?

Spoiler

They're worth it

How does an elephant climb an oak tree?

Spoiler

Sits on an acorn and waits.

[macrae1234]

Why did the chicken cross the road? Some celebrated answers.

STEPHEN HARPER: Let me be perfectly clear. I did not know about the chicken, I did not know about the road. If I would have been made aware of them I would certainly have taken appropriate action and prevented the chicken from crossing the road. The culprits responsible for the chicken crossing the road are being investigated by the RCMP.

THOMAS MULCAIR: If the Prime Minister didn’t know about the chicken and he didn’t know about the road, how did he know that the chicken had any intention of crossing the road?

JUSTIN TRUDEAU: The chicken crossed the road because the other side had legalized marijuana.

ROB FORD: That video of me snorting that chicken does not exist and I’ve only crossed that road in a drunken stupor.

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be clear, the chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change! Real change! Change he could believe in!

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was Secretary of State, I travelled that road thousands of times and I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road each time. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure, right from Day One, that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, That chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the Liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2013, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2013. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

*******************************************************************

Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food.

Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming... One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes.

There is a woman out there floating in our direction."
The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating, you've finally lost your mind."

But within a few minutes, up on the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.

The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing. One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long,
long time... So... Do you think we should... well... You know... Screw her?"





"Out of WHAT?!?" asked the other lawyer

[christie1111]

Okay

I found

Spoiler

the pool table one hysterical!

[AlphaDummy]

A skeleton walks into a bar. Bartender says "What'll ya have?" Skeleton says "Beer and a mop."

[BackInTex]

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

Spoiler

The taste

[jaybee]

A Very Cold Winter!
It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in North Dakota
asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the
old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter
was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter
was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should
collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea.
He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked,
'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist
at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more
firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again.
'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied,
'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every
scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again.
'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
Absolutely,' the man replied.
'It's looking more and more like it is going to be
one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied,
'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'

[ToLiveIsToFly]

Okay

I found

Spoiler

the pool table one hysterical!

Me too. It's my favorite of the lot that I posted. Use it in good health.

[Bob78164]

Okay

I found

Spoiler

the pool table one hysterical!

I must be humor-impaired. I don't get that one. --Bob

[elwoodblues]

Okay

I found

Spoiler

the pool table one hysterical!

I must be humor-impaired. I don't get that one. --Bob

It is a surprise answer because pool tables are not usually found in trees. As my grandfather always said, "Pool tables don't grow on trees." We worried about him.

[Bob Juch]

Okay

I found

Spoiler

the pool table one hysterical!

I must be humor-impaired. I don't get that one. --Bob

That's like, "Why do elephants paint their toenails red?"

Spoiler

So they can hide in cherry trees.

[Beebs52]

I love this thread!