A funny for Spock, et al

[tlynn78]

Got this in an email:

"Actual letter from some redneck who writes well!


I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.

The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.

After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out.. ..a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw.. my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.

I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

A deer-- no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.

The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.


A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it.

While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal.
This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds."

[Bob Juch]

Even then: http://groxx.com/Guns/deer-gets-revenge ... hoots-him/

[silvercamaro]

t-girl, your post struck me as very, very funny -- because, I think, it all sounded so darn sincere!

[Spock]

That is funny-Thanks-

Reminds me of a time I was 8 YO that still gives me chills.

I had a little hereford calf to take care of and about that time -Disney had an episode about a kid with a pet calf.

I don't remember the steps that lead to this point-

But I distinctly remember running as fast as I could (with one of mom's kitchen knives) trying to cut the twine string that had one end around the calf's neck and the other end around one of my belt loops.

[tlynn78]

because, I think, it all sounded so darn sincere!

I don't know about you, but I would swear I know the guy.

I don't remember the steps that lead to this point-

But I distinctly remember running as fast as I could (with one of mom's kitchen knives) trying to cut the twine string that had one end around the calf's neck and the other end around one of my belt loops.

LOL - I can just picture that!

t.

[peacock2121]

This was so funny, I read it twice, as I skimmed it the first time to get to the end.

[peacock2121]

because, I think, it all sounded so darn sincere!

I don't know about you, but I would swear I know the guy.

I don't remember the steps that lead to this point-

But I distinctly remember running as fast as I could (with one of mom's kitchen knives) trying to cut the twine string that had one end around the calf's neck and the other end around one of my belt loops.

LOL - I can just picture that!

t.

I see her running ever so lady-like.

[Spock]

because, I think, it all sounded so darn sincere!

I don't know about you, but I would swear I know the guy.

I don't remember the steps that lead to this point-

But I distinctly remember running as fast as I could (with one of mom's kitchen knives) trying to cut the twine string that had one end around the calf's neck and the other end around one of my belt loops.

LOL - I can just picture that!

t.

I see her running ever so lady-like.

Ahem-I may not be the most masculine fellow in the world-but I do not run in a "Lady-Like" Fashion. So Bite Me

[peacock2121]

I don't know about you, but I would swear I know the guy.


LOL - I can just picture that!

t.

I see her running ever so lady-like.

Ahem-I may not be the most masculine fellow in the world-but I do not run in a "Lady-Like" Fashion. So Bite Me

My face is so red!

I would have sworn it was Uday who posted that!

[SportsFan68]

My uncle died a few weeks ago, and as sometimes happens at funerals, people were asked if they wished to speak, and somebody told this story about my uncle and his younger brother (also my uncle), both of them strapping six-footers in their late teens.

The two were headed home in a vehicle of indeterminate age, probably an early 40s DeSoto (I may be misremembering that part). They hit a small deer and knocked him to the side of the road, where he lay still. They thought he was dead.

Just as T's hero did, they were envisioning venison steaks, chili, roasts, etc. etc., when they picked him up and put him in the back seat of the DeSoto or whatever it was.

Also as T's hero did, they underestimated considerably how tough and strong deer are. Our cervine hero came to life, panicked, and started tearing the back seat of their wonderful automotive transportation apart in a frantic attempt to escape his walled and windowed prison.

Likewise, my uncles panicked, and visions of steaks, roasts, etc. immediately flew out the window, whilst in flew imaginings of the fate which awaited them if the deer completely shredded the inside of that car, and them too. They screeched to a halt, threw open both back doors, and watched breathlessly as the deer bounded away. apparently completely unhurt.

Their paychecks for quite some time did not go into their college funds. The DeSoto, and apparently the deer as well, suffered no permanent damage.

[silvercamaro]

I see her running ever so lady-like.

For the record, I do not have a lady-like running style, nor do I run like a girl.

On the track, I run like a sprinter, which is ever so much faster, and the point of the whole thing. That is how I won medals over many years.

Sincerely,
Uday the Jock

[tlynn78]

For the record, I totally run like a girl. with two left legs. Which is why I never run unless I'm being chased by someone with a gun. That hasn't happened yet.


t.

[peacock2121]

I see her running ever so lady-like.

For the record, I do not have a lady-like running style, nor do I run like a girl.

On the track, I run like a sprinter, which is ever so much faster, and the point of the whole thing. That is how I won medals over many years.

Sincerely,
Uday the Jock

That there is something you do that is not totally lady-like is mind blowing to me.

My mind is blown.

blown, I tell you.

blown

[peacock2121]

For the record, I totally run like a girl. with two left legs. Which is why I never run unless I'm being chased by someone with a gun. That hasn't happened yet.


t.

My mind is not blown.

not blown

not

[BigDrawMan]

1.that guy writes too good for a redneck

2. country types know that deer bite

3.that plagiarizes my idea of wounding a deer then fattening it up while you nurse it bak to health, then shooting and eting it

[SportsFan68]

1.that guy writes too good for a redneck

2. country types know that deer bite

3.that plagiarizes my idea of wounding a deer then fattening it up while you nurse it bak to health, then shooting and eting it

This is a new concept.

Usta be, you were going to bring down the deer with a rock, as you have a gun for an arm.

[Spock]

1.that guy writes too good for a redneck

2. country types know that deer bite

3.that plagiarizes my idea of wounding a deer then fattening it up while you nurse it bak to health, then shooting and eting it

This is a new concept.

Usta be, you were going to bring down the deer with a rock, as you have a gun for an arm.

When I was 16 or so-I got in the habit of chasing skunks and trying to kill them by throwing rocks.

I tried for 4 of them and got 2.

I never got sprayed-but re-considered when i chased the skunk into tall grass and had no more rocks and I was not sure where he was.

[peacock2121]

1.that guy writes too good for a redneck

2. country types know that deer bite

3.that plagiarizes my idea of wounding a deer then fattening it up while you nurse it bak to health, then shooting and eting it

This is a new concept.

Usta be, you were going to bring down the deer with a rock, as you have a gun for an arm.

Have you seen his arm lately?

I know he has.

Seen his arm, I mean.

[frogman042]

Then there is Woody Allen's Moose Shooting story.

---Jay