Joke of the Day

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Estonut
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Joke of the Day

#1 Post by Estonut » Sat May 23, 2020 11:47 pm

Courtesy of Online Alarm Clock:

I went to the zoo today, but all they had was a dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx

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triviawayne
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Re: Joke of the Day

#2 Post by triviawayne » Sun May 24, 2020 8:15 am

Three guys walk into a bar... the fourth one ducks

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silverscreenselect
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Re: Joke of the Day

#3 Post by silverscreenselect » Sun May 24, 2020 9:29 am

A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Why the long face?" The horse says, "Because you tell me that same @*#$&^ joke every time I come to this bar."

A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender says "What'll you have?" The skeleton says, "I'll have a beer and a mop."
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Bob Juch
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Re: Joke of the Day

#4 Post by Bob Juch » Sun May 24, 2020 10:03 am

I washed my cat yesterday. I'm still trying to get all the hair out of my mouth.
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)

Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to drive in New Jersey.

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ne1410s
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Re: Joke of the Day

#5 Post by ne1410s » Sun May 24, 2020 11:17 am

Wife: it says here that in reincarnation you come back as a different animal.

Husband: cool. I want to come back as a pig.

Wife: Dear, you’re not listening.
"When you argue with a fool, there are two fools in the argument."

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littlebeast13
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Re: Joke of the Day

#6 Post by littlebeast13 » Sun May 24, 2020 11:54 am

A dyslexic walks into a bra....

lb13
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Re: Joke of the Day

#7 Post by Beebs52 » Sun May 24, 2020 1:15 pm

If you're American when you go into the bathroom, and American when you come out, what are you while you're in there?

European
Well, then

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Vandal
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Re: Joke of the Day

#8 Post by Vandal » Mon May 25, 2020 7:30 pm

“Why do you want to watch a Zoom bris anyways?"

"You know it’s going to get cut short!”
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Vandal
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Re: Joke of the Day

#9 Post by Vandal » Tue May 26, 2020 5:41 am

Image
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ShamelessWeasel
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Re: Joke of the Day

#10 Post by ShamelessWeasel » Tue May 26, 2020 9:25 am

What did the Zen Master say to the hot dog vendor

Make me one with everything.

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tlynn78
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Re: Joke of the Day

#11 Post by tlynn78 » Tue May 26, 2020 9:51 am

How did the Italian chef die?

He pasta way.
To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead. -Thomas Paine

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Re: Joke of the Day

#12 Post by wbtravis007 » Tue May 26, 2020 11:35 am

Trump and two Corinthians walk into a bar …

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SpacemanSpiff
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Re: Joke of the Day

#13 Post by SpacemanSpiff » Tue May 26, 2020 1:18 pm

Why did the chicken go halfway across the road?
Spoiler
She wanted to lay it on the line.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
Spoiler
The hen egged him on.
Why did the cow cross the road?
Spoiler
The chicken was on vacation.
#ignorehashtags

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Bob Juch
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Re: Joke of the Day

#14 Post by Bob Juch » Tue May 26, 2020 1:59 pm

Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees?
Spoiler
They are very good at it.
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)

Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to drive in New Jersey.

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triviawayne
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Re: Joke of the Day

#15 Post by triviawayne » Tue May 26, 2020 2:23 pm

How does Chewbacca get to the Millennium Falcon?
Spoiler
ewoks

How does Scotty keep the Enterprise engine running?
Spoiler
Spock plugs
What did Scotty find in the Enterprise toilet?
Spoiler
Captain's log

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Vandal
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Re: Joke of the Day

#16 Post by Vandal » Wed May 27, 2020 6:15 am

Image
_________________________________________________________________________________
Available now:
The Secret At Haney Field: A Baseball Mystery
The Right Hand Rule
Center Point
Dizzy Miss Lizzie
Running On Empty
The Tick Tock Man

Visit my website: http://www.rmclarkauthor.com

Now available: The Dragon's Song by Binh Pham and R. M. Clark

Coming in 2021: Devin Drake and The Family Secret

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Beebs52
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Re: Joke of the Day

#17 Post by Beebs52 » Wed May 27, 2020 7:11 am

Husband:

"My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!"
Well, then

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Bob Juch
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Re: Joke of the Day

#18 Post by Bob Juch » Wed May 27, 2020 8:58 am

Image
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)

Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to drive in New Jersey.

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Vandal
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Re: Joke of the Day

#19 Post by Vandal » Mon Jun 08, 2020 5:40 am

Image
_________________________________________________________________________________
Available now:
The Secret At Haney Field: A Baseball Mystery
The Right Hand Rule
Center Point
Dizzy Miss Lizzie
Running On Empty
The Tick Tock Man

Visit my website: http://www.rmclarkauthor.com

Now available: The Dragon's Song by Binh Pham and R. M. Clark

Coming in 2021: Devin Drake and The Family Secret

Working on:
Devin Drake and The RollerGhoster

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triviawayne
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Re: Joke of the Day

#20 Post by triviawayne » Mon Jun 08, 2020 1:53 pm

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but underwear made of Saran Wrap.

The doctor takes one look at him and says,
Spoiler
"clearly I can see your nuts."

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ne1410s
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Re: Joke of the Day

#21 Post by ne1410s » Mon Jun 08, 2020 2:57 pm

Son (calling from jump school): Dad, we had our first night jump yesterday. I got to the door of the plane and froze. The jump master said if you don’t jump, boy, I’m going to shove this flashlight up your ass!

Dad: Well, did you jump?

Son: Yeah, a little.
"When you argue with a fool, there are two fools in the argument."

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Bob Juch
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Re: Joke of the Day

#22 Post by Bob Juch » Mon Jun 08, 2020 9:20 pm

A recent finding by statisticians shows that the average human has one ovary and one testicle.
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)

Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to drive in New Jersey.

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Re: Joke of the Day

#23 Post by wbtravis007 » Tue Jun 09, 2020 10:48 am

ne1410s wrote:
Mon Jun 08, 2020 2:57 pm
Son (calling from jump school): Dad, we had our first night jump yesterday. I got to the door of the plane and froze. The jump master said if you don’t jump, boy, I’m going to shove this flashlight up your ass!

Dad: Well, did you jump?

Son: Yeah, a little.
This reminds me of an old one.

Two old guys (maybe two Corinthians) in a rural grocery store. One asks the young lady wearing a very short skirt if she can help him get a loaf of raisin bread from the top shelf. She slides the ladder down to that part of the shelf, climbs up, grabs a loaf, and starts to come back down. The other one quickly blurts out: "Wait a second! I'd like a loaf, too." She starts to reach back up and then, to clarify, looks back at him and asks: "Is yours raisin, too?"
Spoiler
"Well, it's twitching a little."

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Estonut
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Re: Joke of the Day

#24 Post by Estonut » Wed Jun 10, 2020 12:10 am

A guy passing the local barbershop pops his head in the door and asks, "Bob Peters here?"

The barber looks at him quizzically and replies, "No, sir! We just cut hair."
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx

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Vandal
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Re: Joke of the Day

#25 Post by Vandal » Wed Jun 10, 2020 5:32 am

Image
_________________________________________________________________________________
Available now:
The Secret At Haney Field: A Baseball Mystery
The Right Hand Rule
Center Point
Dizzy Miss Lizzie
Running On Empty
The Tick Tock Man

Visit my website: http://www.rmclarkauthor.com

Now available: The Dragon's Song by Binh Pham and R. M. Clark

Coming in 2021: Devin Drake and The Family Secret

Working on:
Devin Drake and The RollerGhoster

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