Joke of the Day

[Vandal]

[Bob Juch]

A guy goes into a styling salon where they do just about anything cosmetically and orders up a manicure and a shave. The manicurist is a beautiful young lady, so the guy starts flirting with her then asks her, “would you like to go out with me?” She sweetly answers, “I would, but I’m married”. The guy then asks, ‘Well, why don’t you ask your husband if you can get away for a couple of hours?” and the pretty girl answers, “You ask him. He’s shaving you”.

[Vandal]

[BackInTex]

All I hear is “I lost my ALCS”.

[Beebs52]

All I hear is “I lost my ALCS”.

[Vandal]

The faster team won.

[Vandal]

[Bob Juch]

The retriever had decided he was tired of getting up at 4 in the morning and jumping into freezing water to bring shot ducks back to his master. He got the newspaper and scanned the help wanted ads. Seeing one for an office worker, he went to apply.

Entering the office that had placed the ad, he dropped the paper on a desk and put his paw on the ad.

The first thing he had to do was the keyboard on the computer. He did several flawless pages, at 75 words per minute.

Next, he had to file. He put the whole ‘out’ basket in the various file folders.

”That’s mighty impressive,” the interviewer said, but the job requires all applicants to be bi-lingual.”

The dog looked at her, and said “Meow!”

[Bob Juch]

My wife just called.

"What?"

"I've got good news and bad news!"

"What's the good news?"

"All the car's airbags worked fine…!"

[Vandal]

[Bob Juch]

An older woman went to a walk-in clinic where she was seen by a young, new doctor.

After about 3 minutes in the exam room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out the door, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was.

After she told him what had happened, he sat her down in another exam room and marched back to where the first doctor was.

'What is the matter with you? That lady is over 60 years old, has four grown children and several grandchildren! And you told her she was pregnant?! Are you insane?!'

The young doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without looking up, he asked, 'Agh, but does she still have the hiccups?'

[SpacemanSpiff]

My wife just called.

"What?"

"I've got good news and bad news!"

"What's the good news?"

"All the car's airbags worked fine…!"

I actually said that to a boss of mine once when reporting an auto accident by a subordinate (employee was fine, car wasn't, and deer was in worse shape than the car).

I quickly discovered he had no sense of humor.

[Vandal]

[Vandal]

[Beebs52]

Having a unicorn loving granddaughter, yeah!

[tlynn78]

Having a unicorn loving granddaughter, yeah!

Gah! Unicorns, everywhere.

[Bob Juch]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home

[Bob Juch]

So there I was, sitting in a recliner, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos, minding my own business, and Walmart calls the cops.

[Bob Juch]

[Bob Juch]

A cow, an ant, and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The cow said,

“I give 40 liters of milk every day, and that’s why I am the greatest!”

The ant said,

“I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my weight, and that’s why I am the greatest!”

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Why are you scrolling down? It’s your turn to say something.

[Vandal]

[Vandal]

[Vandal]

[Bob Juch]

[Vandal]