Joke of the Day

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Bob Juch
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Re: Joke of the Day

#276 Post by Bob Juch » Fri Aug 27, 2021 9:58 am

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I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)

Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to drive in New Jersey.

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Bob Juch
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Re: Joke of the Day

#277 Post by Bob Juch » Sat Aug 28, 2021 9:53 am

An old lady was standing at the railing of a cruise ship, holding her hat on tight so that it wouldn’t blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said, “pardon me, madam, I don’t intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?” “Yes, I know,” said the old lady. “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.” “But madam, you aren’t wearing anything under your dress, and your privates are exposed,” said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “sir, anything you see down there is 85 yrs old; I just bought this hat yesterday.
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)

Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to drive in New Jersey.

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Bob Juch
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Joined: Mon Oct 08, 2007 11:58 am
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Re: Joke of the Day

#278 Post by Bob Juch » Sat Aug 28, 2021 11:05 am

Image
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)

Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to drive in New Jersey.

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Beebs52
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Re: Joke of the Day

#279 Post by Beebs52 » Sat Aug 28, 2021 12:08 pm

Just a reminder and props-I do so love this thread.
Well, then

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Bob Juch
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Re: Joke of the Day

#280 Post by Bob Juch » Tue Aug 31, 2021 11:59 am

A 65-year-old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience.

Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants, and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the Ambulance?"

God replied: "I didn't recognize you!"
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)

Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to drive in New Jersey.

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Bob Juch
Posts: 24339
Joined: Mon Oct 08, 2007 11:58 am
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Re: Joke of the Day

#281 Post by Bob Juch » Wed Sep 01, 2021 8:27 am

An older man suspects his wife is going deaf and discusses it with his doctor. The doctor says, “First, we have to determine the extent of the hearing loss. Go home, say something in a conversational tone from a good distance away, and keep moving closer until she hears you.”

So the guy goes home. His wife is in the kitchen, and he's in the living room about 20 feet away. He says, “Hi hon, what's for dinner?” There's no response, so he moves a little closer and again says, “Hi hon, what's for dinner?” Again there's no answer, so he moves a little closer. Finally, he's standing just a few feet away from her and once more says, “Hi hon, what's for dinner?”

His wife answers, “For the fifth time, chicken!”
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)

Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to drive in New Jersey.

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Bob Juch
Posts: 24339
Joined: Mon Oct 08, 2007 11:58 am
Location: Oro Valley, Arizona
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Re: Joke of the Day

#282 Post by Bob Juch » Thu Sep 02, 2021 7:48 pm

A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast, and screams, then pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony.

She pushes her knee and screams; she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"Well, no," she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)

Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to drive in New Jersey.

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Bob Juch
Posts: 24339
Joined: Mon Oct 08, 2007 11:58 am
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Re: Joke of the Day

#283 Post by Bob Juch » Fri Sep 03, 2021 3:39 pm

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm delighted. You did an excellent job, and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with her blank check.

"There's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.

"Then it was just a matter of switching the heads."
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)

Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to drive in New Jersey.

User avatar
Bob Juch
Posts: 24339
Joined: Mon Oct 08, 2007 11:58 am
Location: Oro Valley, Arizona
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Re: Joke of the Day

#284 Post by Bob Juch » Sat Sep 04, 2021 10:37 pm

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I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)

Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to drive in New Jersey.

User avatar
Bob Juch
Posts: 24339
Joined: Mon Oct 08, 2007 11:58 am
Location: Oro Valley, Arizona
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Re: Joke of the Day

#285 Post by Bob Juch » Sun Sep 05, 2021 11:52 am

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I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)

Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to drive in New Jersey.

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Vandal
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Re: Joke of the Day

#286 Post by Vandal » Mon Sep 06, 2021 2:06 pm

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_________________________________________________________________________________
Available now:
The Secret At Haney Field: A Baseball Mystery
The Right Hand Rule
Center Point
Dizzy Miss Lizzie
Running On Empty
The Tick Tock Man
The Dragon's Song by Binh Pham and R. M. Clark

Visit my website: http://www.rmclarkauthor.com

Ready: Devin Drake and The Family Secret

Working on:
Devin Drake and The RollerGhoster

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Bob Juch
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Re: Joke of the Day

#287 Post by Bob Juch » Mon Sep 06, 2021 2:51 pm

Image
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)

Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to drive in New Jersey.

User avatar
Bob Juch
Posts: 24339
Joined: Mon Oct 08, 2007 11:58 am
Location: Oro Valley, Arizona
Contact:

Re: Joke of the Day

#288 Post by Bob Juch » Thu Sep 09, 2021 4:53 pm

Image
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)

Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to drive in New Jersey.

User avatar
Vandal
Director of Promos
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Joined: Mon Oct 08, 2007 6:42 pm
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Re: Joke of the Day

#289 Post by Vandal » Sun Sep 12, 2021 9:49 am

Image
_________________________________________________________________________________
Available now:
The Secret At Haney Field: A Baseball Mystery
The Right Hand Rule
Center Point
Dizzy Miss Lizzie
Running On Empty
The Tick Tock Man
The Dragon's Song by Binh Pham and R. M. Clark

Visit my website: http://www.rmclarkauthor.com

Ready: Devin Drake and The Family Secret

Working on:
Devin Drake and The RollerGhoster

User avatar
Bob Juch
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Re: Joke of the Day

#290 Post by Bob Juch » Thu Sep 16, 2021 1:39 pm

A man comes to the pearly gates, and Saint Peter asks for his name.

He tells him, Jason Smith. Saint Peter looks up his name in a book and says, “I don’t believe you belong here, I see no good deeds under your name”.

Jason says, “Well, I stopped a young woman from being terrorized and possibly raped”.

Saint Peter says, “Tell me about it”.

Well, I was driving by a parking lot, and a band of hells angels was circling around a young woman who was terrified and screaming loudly.

I stopped the car and asked for the leader of the band. A large man got off his cycle and came over.

I told him if they didn’t release the woman, I would beat the hell out of him.

Saint Peter says, “When did this happen?”.

Jason says, “Just a few minutes ago”.
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)

Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to drive in New Jersey.

User avatar
Bob Juch
Posts: 24339
Joined: Mon Oct 08, 2007 11:58 am
Location: Oro Valley, Arizona
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Re: Joke of the Day

#291 Post by Bob Juch » Thu Sep 16, 2021 4:44 pm

For the farmers and lawyers:

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, ...please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"?

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor, and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch, and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

"Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now tell me, what the heck would you say?"
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)

Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to drive in New Jersey.

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Vandal
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Re: Joke of the Day

#292 Post by Vandal » Fri Sep 17, 2021 2:50 pm

Image
_________________________________________________________________________________
Available now:
The Secret At Haney Field: A Baseball Mystery
The Right Hand Rule
Center Point
Dizzy Miss Lizzie
Running On Empty
The Tick Tock Man
The Dragon's Song by Binh Pham and R. M. Clark

Visit my website: http://www.rmclarkauthor.com

Ready: Devin Drake and The Family Secret

Working on:
Devin Drake and The RollerGhoster

User avatar
Vandal
Director of Promos
Posts: 5493
Joined: Mon Oct 08, 2007 6:42 pm
Location: Literary Circles
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Re: Joke of the Day

#293 Post by Vandal » Fri Sep 17, 2021 6:04 pm

Image
_________________________________________________________________________________
Available now:
The Secret At Haney Field: A Baseball Mystery
The Right Hand Rule
Center Point
Dizzy Miss Lizzie
Running On Empty
The Tick Tock Man
The Dragon's Song by Binh Pham and R. M. Clark

Visit my website: http://www.rmclarkauthor.com

Ready: Devin Drake and The Family Secret

Working on:
Devin Drake and The RollerGhoster

User avatar
Bob Juch
Posts: 24339
Joined: Mon Oct 08, 2007 11:58 am
Location: Oro Valley, Arizona
Contact:

Re: Joke of the Day

#294 Post by Bob Juch » Thu Sep 23, 2021 8:24 pm

When the circus worker was told he'd have to cover for the human cannonball who was out sick, he went ballistic.
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)

Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to drive in New Jersey.

User avatar
Bob Juch
Posts: 24339
Joined: Mon Oct 08, 2007 11:58 am
Location: Oro Valley, Arizona
Contact:

Re: Joke of the Day

#295 Post by Bob Juch » Fri Sep 24, 2021 10:05 pm

A guy walks into a café, gets his tray, and goes to a table where a pretty woman sits alone.

He smiles at her and says, “Would you mind if I sat here?”

She looks up at him and shouts, “Go to bed with you? I certainly will not!”

He is enormously embarrassed; everyone in the place is looking at him, so he slinks off to a table far away from the woman and, head down, eats his chow.

After about ten minutes, the woman rises from her table and approaches his.

“I’m sorry about before,” she says. “I’m a Master’s student, and my thesis is about how people react to being shamed in public; I was using you as a trial subject.”

The man looks at her and shouts, “$100? No way!”
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)

Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to drive in New Jersey.

User avatar
Bob Juch
Posts: 24339
Joined: Mon Oct 08, 2007 11:58 am
Location: Oro Valley, Arizona
Contact:

Re: Joke of the Day

#296 Post by Bob Juch » Sun Sep 26, 2021 11:40 pm

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.

"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, and even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon.

She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

"Yes, it is," the bartender answers.

"Do you have huge golden doors?"

"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"

"Most certainly do."

"What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)

Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to drive in New Jersey.

User avatar
Bob Juch
Posts: 24339
Joined: Mon Oct 08, 2007 11:58 am
Location: Oro Valley, Arizona
Contact:

Re: Joke of the Day

#297 Post by Bob Juch » Tue Sep 28, 2021 10:49 am

An engineer dies and lands in Hell.

He's talking with Satan and says, "What a terrible place! It's scorching, dark, smoky."

Satan says, "Well, what did you expect? This is Hell!"

The engineer says, "Do you have a compressor, some tubing, and wire?

Satan says, "Yeah, we might have some of that stuff around; I'll check and see what I can find for you."

Satan finds the stuff, and the engineer starts designing improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, iced water, good lighting, flush toilets, and escalators. The engineer is pretty famous!

One day God calls and tells Satan, "Say, we had a mix-up. I was checking records and discovered that by error, an engineer got sent down to you. He should have come to Heaven. All engineers go to Heaven. You need to transfer him up here."

Satan says, "Why, things are going great. We've now got air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets, great lighting, and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer will come up with next. We like him! We're going to keep him."

God is horrified. "That's clearly a mistake! He should never have gone down there in the first place! Send him up here immediately!"

Satan says, "No way! I really like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here, or I'll sue you!"

Satan laughs, "Yeah, right, good luck on that. And where do you expect to find a lawyer?!"
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)

Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to drive in New Jersey.

User avatar
Bob Juch
Posts: 24339
Joined: Mon Oct 08, 2007 11:58 am
Location: Oro Valley, Arizona
Contact:

Re: Joke of the Day

#298 Post by Bob Juch » Fri Oct 01, 2021 12:50 pm

Image
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)

Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to drive in New Jersey.

User avatar
Vandal
Director of Promos
Posts: 5493
Joined: Mon Oct 08, 2007 6:42 pm
Location: Literary Circles
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Re: Joke of the Day

#299 Post by Vandal » Sat Oct 02, 2021 6:06 pm

Image
_________________________________________________________________________________
Available now:
The Secret At Haney Field: A Baseball Mystery
The Right Hand Rule
Center Point
Dizzy Miss Lizzie
Running On Empty
The Tick Tock Man
The Dragon's Song by Binh Pham and R. M. Clark

Visit my website: http://www.rmclarkauthor.com

Ready: Devin Drake and The Family Secret

Working on:
Devin Drake and The RollerGhoster

User avatar
Vandal
Director of Promos
Posts: 5493
Joined: Mon Oct 08, 2007 6:42 pm
Location: Literary Circles
Contact:

Re: Joke of the Day

#300 Post by Vandal » Sun Oct 17, 2021 2:07 pm

Image
_________________________________________________________________________________
Available now:
The Secret At Haney Field: A Baseball Mystery
The Right Hand Rule
Center Point
Dizzy Miss Lizzie
Running On Empty
The Tick Tock Man
The Dragon's Song by Binh Pham and R. M. Clark

Visit my website: http://www.rmclarkauthor.com

Ready: Devin Drake and The Family Secret

Working on:
Devin Drake and The RollerGhoster

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