WWTBAM Bored

Courtesy of Online Alarm Clock:

I went to the zoo today, but all they had was a dog. It was a Shih Tzu.

Three guys walk into a bar... the fourth one ducks

A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Why the long face?" The horse says, "Because you tell me that same @*#$&^ joke every time I come to this bar."

A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender says "What'll you have?" The skeleton says, "I'll have a beer and a mop."

I washed my cat yesterday. I'm still trying to get all the hair out of my mouth.

Wife: it says here that in reincarnation you come back as a different animal.

Husband: cool. I want to come back as a pig.

Wife: Dear, you’re not listening.

A dyslexic walks into a bra....

lb13

If you're American when you go into the bathroom, and American when you come out, what are you while you're in there?

European

“Why do you want to watch a Zoom bris anyways?"

"You know it’s going to get cut short!”

What did the Zen Master say to the hot dog vendor

Make me one with everything.

How did the Italian chef die?

He pasta way.

Trump and two Corinthians walk into a bar …

Why did the chicken go halfway across the road?

Spoiler

She wanted to lay it on the line.

Why did the rooster cross the road?

Spoiler

The hen egged him on.

Why did the cow cross the road?

Spoiler

The chicken was on vacation.

Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees?

Spoiler

They are very good at it.

How does Chewbacca get to the Millennium Falcon?

Spoiler

ewoks

How does Scotty keep the Enterprise engine running?

Spoiler

Spock plugs

What did Scotty find in the Enterprise toilet?

Spoiler

Captain's log

Husband:

"My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!"

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but underwear made of Saran Wrap.

The doctor takes one look at him and says,

Spoiler

"clearly I can see your nuts."

Son (calling from jump school): Dad, we had our first night jump yesterday. I got to the door of the plane and froze. The jump master said if you don’t jump, boy, I’m going to shove this flashlight up your ass!

Dad: Well, did you jump?

Son: Yeah, a little.

A recent finding by statisticians shows that the average human has one ovary and one testicle.

ne1410s wrote: ↑

Mon Jun 08, 2020 2:57 pm

Son (calling from jump school): Dad, we had our first night jump yesterday. I got to the door of the plane and froze. The jump master said if you don’t jump, boy, I’m going to shove this flashlight up your ass!

Dad: Well, did you jump?

Son: Yeah, a little.

This reminds me of an old one.

Two old guys (maybe two Corinthians) in a rural grocery store. One asks the young lady wearing a very short skirt if she can help him get a loaf of raisin bread from the top shelf. She slides the ladder down to that part of the shelf, climbs up, grabs a loaf, and starts to come back down. The other one quickly blurts out: "Wait a second! I'd like a loaf, too." She starts to reach back up and then, to clarify, looks back at him and asks: "Is yours raisin, too?"

Spoiler

"Well, it's twitching a little."

A guy passing the local barbershop pops his head in the door and asks, "Bob Peters here?"

The barber looks at him quizzically and replies, "No, sir! We just cut hair."