Joke of the Day

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Estonut
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Re: Joke of the Day

#351 Post by Estonut » Thu Apr 07, 2022 3:23 am

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A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx

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Re: Joke of the Day

#352 Post by Beebs52 » Thu Apr 07, 2022 6:45 pm

Gahhh. Glad we dint go with those fixtures.😬
Well, then

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Re: Joke of the Day

#353 Post by Vandal » Thu Apr 14, 2022 10:19 am

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Re: Joke of the Day

#354 Post by Vandal » Sat Apr 16, 2022 2:39 pm

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Running On Empty
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Re: Joke of the Day

#355 Post by Vandal » Mon Apr 18, 2022 4:29 pm

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The Right Hand Rule
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Running On Empty
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The Dragon's Song by Binh Pham and R. M. Clark

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Ready: Devin Drake and The Family Secret

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Re: Joke of the Day

#356 Post by Bob Juch » Sat Apr 23, 2022 9:54 am

From a workman's comp claim denial reply to his insurance company...

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put “Poor Planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation, and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I worked alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over, which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. On the accident reporting form, you will note that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, the accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley, which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope despite the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken teeth, and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks, and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.”
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)

Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to drive in New Jersey.

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Re: Joke of the Day

#357 Post by Vandal » Wed Apr 27, 2022 7:20 am

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Available now:
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The Right Hand Rule
Center Point
Dizzy Miss Lizzie
Running On Empty
The Tick Tock Man
The Dragon's Song by Binh Pham and R. M. Clark

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Re: Joke of the Day

#358 Post by Bob Juch » Fri May 06, 2022 8:47 am

A fisherman was dining alone in a fancy restaurant, and a gorgeous redhead was sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterward, they went to the theatre, followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her most profound dreams, and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The following day, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. .....
'You just happened to catch my eye.'
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)

Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to drive in New Jersey.

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Re: Joke of the Day

#359 Post by Beebs52 » Fri May 06, 2022 9:25 am

I actually groaned at that. Well done.
Well, then

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Re: Joke of the Day

#360 Post by Bob Juch » Sun May 08, 2022 11:38 am

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked the flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)

Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to drive in New Jersey.

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Re: Joke of the Day

#361 Post by Vandal » Mon May 23, 2022 12:43 pm

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_________________________________________________________________________________
Available now:
The Secret At Haney Field: A Baseball Mystery
The Right Hand Rule
Center Point
Dizzy Miss Lizzie
Running On Empty
The Tick Tock Man
The Dragon's Song by Binh Pham and R. M. Clark

Visit my website: http://www.rmclarkauthor.com

Ready: Devin Drake and The Family Secret

Working on:
Devin Drake and The RollerGhoster

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Re: Joke of the Day

#362 Post by jarnon » Mon May 23, 2022 1:21 pm

Vandal wrote:
Mon May 23, 2022 12:43 pm
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Reminds me of a Russian saying: "The church is near but the road is icy. The bar is far away but I will walk carefully."

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Re: Joke of the Day

#363 Post by flockofseagulls104 » Thu Jun 16, 2022 12:42 pm

Source: Babylon Bee
TURKEY—Anthropologists have uncovered a cache of sealed jars near the city of Terme which could shed light on the sudden collapse of the mysterious all-female Amazon tribe. The warrior women, though proficient in archery and horseback, likely starved to death because they couldn't get any jars open, say experts.

"There were no refrigerators in the ancient world," explained Dr. Grastut Miluakee, an anthropology professor at Oxford University. "Most food, if it could not be cured or pickled, had to be eaten promptly. Bread, monkey brains, what have you—would spoil in a matter of days if not hours."

He continued, "It is likely that they lost a regular source of food and were forced to eat their preserves, which they could not access. The mighty Amazon warriors simply starved to death because they were too stubborn to ask the neighboring Trojans for aid."

The conclusion reached by a consensus of anthropologists has been criticized for the implication there are distinct biological differences between men and women. It has also been the opinion of some scholars that the tomboyish Amazon women would have at least been able to smash jars open by throwing them against rocks.

Oxford anthropologists called in a sociologist to explain the apparent difficulty.

"My wife can't stand it when I break or throw away some jar without asking. She's always like—'Hey! I could've used that for my pickled rhubarb or whatever!' and then I never hear the end of it," said Dr. Edward Zieglefroyd. "The Amazons were likely the same."

"Because they're women."

At publishing time, the research has influenced new storylines for the popular Wonder Woman comic book. In the latest issue, she saves the tribe by calling on Kryptonians to help open all their food jars.
Your friendly neighborhood racist. On the waiting list to be a nazi. Designated an honorary 'snowflake'. Trolled by the very best, as well as by BJ. Always typical, unlike others.., Fulminator, Hopelessly in the tank for trump... inappropriate... Flocking himself... Probably a tucking sexist, too... All thought comes from the right wing noise machine(TM)... A clear and present threat to The Future Of Our Democracy.. Doesn't understand anything... Made the trump apologist and enabler playoffs... Heathen bastard... Knows nothing about history... Liar.... don't know much about statistics and polling... Nothing at all about biology... Ignorant Bigot... Potential Future Pariah... Big Nerd... Spiraling

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Re: Joke of the Day

#364 Post by Bob Juch » Fri Jun 17, 2022 1:47 pm

flockofseagulls104 wrote:
Thu Jun 16, 2022 12:42 pm
Source: Babylon Bee
TURKEY—Anthropologists have uncovered a cache of sealed jars near the city of Terme which could shed light on the sudden collapse of the mysterious all-female Amazon tribe. The warrior women, though proficient in archery and horseback, likely starved to death because they couldn't get any jars open, say experts.

"There were no refrigerators in the ancient world," explained Dr. Grastut Miluakee, an anthropology professor at Oxford University. "Most food, if it could not be cured or pickled, had to be eaten promptly. Bread, monkey brains, what have you—would spoil in a matter of days if not hours."

He continued, "It is likely that they lost a regular source of food and were forced to eat their preserves, which they could not access. The mighty Amazon warriors simply starved to death because they were too stubborn to ask the neighboring Trojans for aid."

The conclusion reached by a consensus of anthropologists has been criticized for the implication there are distinct biological differences between men and women. It has also been the opinion of some scholars that the tomboyish Amazon women would have at least been able to smash jars open by throwing them against rocks.

Oxford anthropologists called in a sociologist to explain the apparent difficulty.

"My wife can't stand it when I break or throw away some jar without asking. She's always like—'Hey! I could've used that for my pickled rhubarb or whatever!' and then I never hear the end of it," said Dr. Edward Zieglefroyd. "The Amazons were likely the same."

"Because they're women."

At publishing time, the research has influenced new storylines for the popular Wonder Woman comic book. In the latest issue, she saves the tribe by calling on Kryptonians to help open all their food jars.
I don't find misogynistic jokes funny.
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)

Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to drive in New Jersey.

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Re: Joke of the Day

#365 Post by BackInTex » Fri Jun 17, 2022 4:39 pm

Bob Juch wrote:
Fri Jun 17, 2022 1:47 pm
flockofseagulls104 wrote:
Thu Jun 16, 2022 12:42 pm
Source: Babylon Bee
TURKEY—Anthropologists have uncovered a cache of sealed jars near the city of Terme which could shed light on the sudden collapse of the mysterious all-female Amazon tribe. The warrior women, though proficient in archery and horseback, likely starved to death because they couldn't get any jars open, say experts.

"There were no refrigerators in the ancient world," explained Dr. Grastut Miluakee, an anthropology professor at Oxford University. "Most food, if it could not be cured or pickled, had to be eaten promptly. Bread, monkey brains, what have you—would spoil in a matter of days if not hours."

He continued, "It is likely that they lost a regular source of food and were forced to eat their preserves, which they could not access. The mighty Amazon warriors simply starved to death because they were too stubborn to ask the neighboring Trojans for aid."

The conclusion reached by a consensus of anthropologists has been criticized for the implication there are distinct biological differences between men and women. It has also been the opinion of some scholars that the tomboyish Amazon women would have at least been able to smash jars open by throwing them against rocks.

Oxford anthropologists called in a sociologist to explain the apparent difficulty.

"My wife can't stand it when I break or throw away some jar without asking. She's always like—'Hey! I could've used that for my pickled rhubarb or whatever!' and then I never hear the end of it," said Dr. Edward Zieglefroyd. "The Amazons were likely the same."

"Because they're women."

At publishing time, the research has influenced new storylines for the popular Wonder Woman comic book. In the latest issue, she saves the tribe by calling on Kryptonians to help open all their food jars.
I don't find misogynistic jokes funny.
I’ll assume that was a swing and a miss on attempt at sarcastic humor, given your history of jokes here.
..what country can preserve it’s liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance? let them take arms.
~~ Thomas Jefferson

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Re: Joke of the Day

#366 Post by Beebs52 » Fri Jun 17, 2022 4:52 pm

Bob Juch wrote:
Fri Jun 17, 2022 1:47 pm
flockofseagulls104 wrote:
Thu Jun 16, 2022 12:42 pm
Source: Babylon Bee
TURKEY—Anthropologists have uncovered a cache of sealed jars near the city of Terme which could shed light on the sudden collapse of the mysterious all-female Amazon tribe. The warrior women, though proficient in archery and horseback, likely starved to death because they couldn't get any jars open, say experts.

"There were no refrigerators in the ancient world," explained Dr. Grastut Miluakee, an anthropology professor at Oxford University. "Most food, if it could not be cured or pickled, had to be eaten promptly. Bread, monkey brains, what have you—would spoil in a matter of days if not hours."

He continued, "It is likely that they lost a regular source of food and were forced to eat their preserves, which they could not access. The mighty Amazon warriors simply starved to death because they were too stubborn to ask the neighboring Trojans for aid."

The conclusion reached by a consensus of anthropologists has been criticized for the implication there are distinct biological differences between men and women. It has also been the opinion of some scholars that the tomboyish Amazon women would have at least been able to smash jars open by throwing them against rocks.

Oxford anthropologists called in a sociologist to explain the apparent difficulty.

"My wife can't stand it when I break or throw away some jar without asking. She's always like—'Hey! I could've used that for my pickled rhubarb or whatever!' and then I never hear the end of it," said Dr. Edward Zieglefroyd. "The Amazons were likely the same."

"Because they're women."

At publishing time, the research has influenced new storylines for the popular Wonder Woman comic book. In the latest issue, she saves the tribe by calling on Kryptonians to help open all their food jars.
I don't find misogynistic jokes funny.
Oh please.
Well, then

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Re: Joke of the Day

#367 Post by Beebs52 » Fri Jun 17, 2022 4:54 pm

Bob Juch wrote:
Sun May 08, 2022 11:38 am
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked the flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.
Whatabout misandry?
Well, then

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Re: Joke of the Day

#368 Post by BackInTex » Fri Jun 17, 2022 7:34 pm

Bob Juch wrote:
Wed Aug 11, 2021 9:43 pm
A blonde stole a police car and was soon caught and arrested. Taken to the police station for questioning, she was asked why she had taken the car.

”I always wanted a Porsche.” she exclaimed.

“That’s not a Porsche; it’s a Crown Victoria,” said the detective.

”No, it’s a Porsche!” insisted the blonde, “It’s got 911 written all over it!”
..what country can preserve it’s liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance? let them take arms.
~~ Thomas Jefferson

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Re: Joke of the Day

#369 Post by BackInTex » Fri Jun 17, 2022 7:34 pm

Bob Juch wrote:
Thu Sep 02, 2021 7:48 pm
A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast, and screams, then pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony.

She pushes her knee and screams; she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"Well, no," she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
..what country can preserve it’s liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance? let them take arms.
~~ Thomas Jefferson

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Re: Joke of the Day

#370 Post by Bob Juch » Fri Jun 17, 2022 7:49 pm

I don't consider those to be misogynistic.

Some people have way too much free time.
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)

Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to drive in New Jersey.

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Re: Joke of the Day

#371 Post by tlynn78 » Fri Jun 17, 2022 8:39 pm

Bob Juch wrote:
Fri Jun 17, 2022 7:49 pm
I don't consider those to be misogynistic.

Some people have way too much free time.
Okay, you win best joke of this thread right here.
To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead. -Thomas Paine
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Re: Joke of the Day

#372 Post by Vandal » Sat Jun 18, 2022 1:48 pm

Image
_________________________________________________________________________________
Available now:
The Secret At Haney Field: A Baseball Mystery
The Right Hand Rule
Center Point
Dizzy Miss Lizzie
Running On Empty
The Tick Tock Man
The Dragon's Song by Binh Pham and R. M. Clark

Visit my website: http://www.rmclarkauthor.com

Ready: Devin Drake and The Family Secret

Working on:
Devin Drake and The RollerGhoster

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Vandal
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Re: Joke of the Day

#373 Post by Vandal » Wed Jun 22, 2022 10:38 am

Image
_________________________________________________________________________________
Available now:
The Secret At Haney Field: A Baseball Mystery
The Right Hand Rule
Center Point
Dizzy Miss Lizzie
Running On Empty
The Tick Tock Man
The Dragon's Song by Binh Pham and R. M. Clark

Visit my website: http://www.rmclarkauthor.com

Ready: Devin Drake and The Family Secret

Working on:
Devin Drake and The RollerGhoster

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