Joke of the Day

The forum for general posting. Come join the madness. :)
Post Reply
Message
Author
User avatar
Estonut
Evil Genius
Posts: 10291
Joined: Sat Oct 13, 2007 1:16 am
Location: Garden Grove, CA

Re: Joke of the Day

#351 Post by Estonut » Thu Apr 07, 2022 3:23 am

Spoiler
Image
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx

User avatar
Beebs52
Queen of Wack
Posts: 12839
Joined: Mon Oct 08, 2007 11:38 am
Location: Location.Location.Location

Re: Joke of the Day

#352 Post by Beebs52 » Thu Apr 07, 2022 6:45 pm

Gahhh. Glad we dint go with those fixtures.😬
Well, then

User avatar
Vandal
Director of Promos
Posts: 5794
Joined: Mon Oct 08, 2007 6:42 pm
Location: Literary Circles
Contact:

Re: Joke of the Day

#353 Post by Vandal » Thu Apr 14, 2022 10:19 am

Image
_________________________________________________________________________________
Available now:
The Secret At Haney Field: A Baseball Mystery
The Right Hand Rule
Center Point
Dizzy Miss Lizzie
Running On Empty
The Tick Tock Man
The Dragon's Song by Binh Pham and R. M. Clark

Visit my website: http://www.rmclarkauthor.com

Ready: Devin Drake and The Family Secret

Working on:
Devin Drake and The RollerGhoster

User avatar
Vandal
Director of Promos
Posts: 5794
Joined: Mon Oct 08, 2007 6:42 pm
Location: Literary Circles
Contact:

Re: Joke of the Day

#354 Post by Vandal » Sat Apr 16, 2022 2:39 pm

Image
_________________________________________________________________________________
Available now:
The Secret At Haney Field: A Baseball Mystery
The Right Hand Rule
Center Point
Dizzy Miss Lizzie
Running On Empty
The Tick Tock Man
The Dragon's Song by Binh Pham and R. M. Clark

Visit my website: http://www.rmclarkauthor.com

Ready: Devin Drake and The Family Secret

Working on:
Devin Drake and The RollerGhoster

User avatar
Vandal
Director of Promos
Posts: 5794
Joined: Mon Oct 08, 2007 6:42 pm
Location: Literary Circles
Contact:

Re: Joke of the Day

#355 Post by Vandal » Mon Apr 18, 2022 4:29 pm

Image
_________________________________________________________________________________
Available now:
The Secret At Haney Field: A Baseball Mystery
The Right Hand Rule
Center Point
Dizzy Miss Lizzie
Running On Empty
The Tick Tock Man
The Dragon's Song by Binh Pham and R. M. Clark

Visit my website: http://www.rmclarkauthor.com

Ready: Devin Drake and The Family Secret

Working on:
Devin Drake and The RollerGhoster

User avatar
Bob Juch
Posts: 24871
Joined: Mon Oct 08, 2007 11:58 am
Location: Oro Valley, Arizona
Contact:

Re: Joke of the Day

#356 Post by Bob Juch » Sat Apr 23, 2022 9:54 am

From a workman's comp claim denial reply to his insurance company...

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put “Poor Planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation, and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I worked alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over, which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. On the accident reporting form, you will note that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, the accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley, which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope despite the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken teeth, and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks, and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.”
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)

Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to drive in New Jersey.

User avatar
Vandal
Director of Promos
Posts: 5794
Joined: Mon Oct 08, 2007 6:42 pm
Location: Literary Circles
Contact:

Re: Joke of the Day

#357 Post by Vandal » Wed Apr 27, 2022 7:20 am

Image
_________________________________________________________________________________
Available now:
The Secret At Haney Field: A Baseball Mystery
The Right Hand Rule
Center Point
Dizzy Miss Lizzie
Running On Empty
The Tick Tock Man
The Dragon's Song by Binh Pham and R. M. Clark

Visit my website: http://www.rmclarkauthor.com

Ready: Devin Drake and The Family Secret

Working on:
Devin Drake and The RollerGhoster

User avatar
Bob Juch
Posts: 24871
Joined: Mon Oct 08, 2007 11:58 am
Location: Oro Valley, Arizona
Contact:

Re: Joke of the Day

#358 Post by Bob Juch » Fri May 06, 2022 8:47 am

A fisherman was dining alone in a fancy restaurant, and a gorgeous redhead was sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterward, they went to the theatre, followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her most profound dreams, and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The following day, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. .....
'You just happened to catch my eye.'
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)

Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to drive in New Jersey.

User avatar
Beebs52
Queen of Wack
Posts: 12839
Joined: Mon Oct 08, 2007 11:38 am
Location: Location.Location.Location

Re: Joke of the Day

#359 Post by Beebs52 » Fri May 06, 2022 9:25 am

I actually groaned at that. Well done.
Well, then

User avatar
Bob Juch
Posts: 24871
Joined: Mon Oct 08, 2007 11:58 am
Location: Oro Valley, Arizona
Contact:

Re: Joke of the Day

#360 Post by Bob Juch » Sun May 08, 2022 11:38 am

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked the flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)

Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to drive in New Jersey.

User avatar
Vandal
Director of Promos
Posts: 5794
Joined: Mon Oct 08, 2007 6:42 pm
Location: Literary Circles
Contact:

Re: Joke of the Day

#361 Post by Vandal » Mon May 23, 2022 12:43 pm

Image
_________________________________________________________________________________
Available now:
The Secret At Haney Field: A Baseball Mystery
The Right Hand Rule
Center Point
Dizzy Miss Lizzie
Running On Empty
The Tick Tock Man
The Dragon's Song by Binh Pham and R. M. Clark

Visit my website: http://www.rmclarkauthor.com

Ready: Devin Drake and The Family Secret

Working on:
Devin Drake and The RollerGhoster

User avatar
jarnon
Posts: 5541
Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2007 9:52 pm
Location: Merion, Pa.

Re: Joke of the Day

#362 Post by jarnon » Mon May 23, 2022 1:21 pm

Vandal wrote:
Mon May 23, 2022 12:43 pm
Image
Reminds me of a Russian saying: "The church is near but the road is icy. The bar is far away but I will walk carefully."

Post Reply