Jack Webb Presents...Borednet: Taco Time
Posted: Thu Feb 27, 2020 7:33 am
Narrator: The story you are about to experience is true. None of the names have been changed because no one is innocent
[voiceover] My name is Flock and I’m a cop. An internet cop. . .
and this is my partner, Elwood
Flock [voiceover]: We got a message from our old friends at a place called a Home For the Weary, otherwise known as The Bored. Yeah, that place. It was hard enough to stomach on a regular winter day when the sun was shining, but now it was an election year and the swill would be flowing stronger than ever. I swallowed a whole bottle of Milk of Magnesia and told my partner, Elwood, the bad news.
Flock: It looks like we're heading to our favorite corner of cyberspace.
Elwood: I doubt you're talking about Young Russian Singles dot com.
Flock: I wish.
Elwood: What now?
Flock: Here, pull my finger.
Elwood: No thanks.
Flock: Are you sure? What's the worse that can happen?
Elwood: I don't want to find out. My nose is sensitive.
Flock: Anyhoo, I got this message from one of the BBs, A Non E. Muss.
Elwood: Anonymous, huh? That's typical.
Flock: Not anonymous. A Non E. Muss.
Elwood: Anonymous.
Flock: No, A Non E. Muss.
Elwood: Please just move on. What's the message?
Flock: According to A Non E. Muss, some folks at Net Games Central are not very nice.
Elwood: What does that even mean?
Flock: I don't know, but he goes for page after page before finally getting to the point.
Elwood: Which is...?
Flock: One of the long-time BBs hasn't been seen in quite some time. I guess we need to do a wellness check.
Elwood: Another missing BB? We looked for LB "Blue Boy", some chick named Fanny, some long hair named Weasel, and even one of those meisters who hosts one of the crappy Bored challenges. It's the same thing every promo. Why should we care when one of these slackers takes a powder?
Flock: Well, we're just cops on the beat with bad haircuts and a job to do. Am I right?
Elwood: I guess so.
Flock: I said am I right?
Elwood: Yes, Flock, you're right. You're very right. As right as anyone can be. Better?
Flock: Much. Now here's me with a serious look.
Elwood: So who is the (un)lucky BB?
Flock: Our old friend BiT.
Elwood: The one who likes to fondle the baby Jesus?
Flock: That's the one. Now let's straighten your tie and hit the road. We're half way through the crappy promo and nothing has happened.
Flock [voiceover]: We rode along the information superhighway until we came to the slimy portal known as The Bored. To be safe, we packed a lot of heat and brought extra underwear, because, hey, you never know.
Flock [voiceover]: I had a list of BBs who may have information about BiT. First stop was a socialite named TGirl. I admit she looked like pretty hot in those catwoman glasses even wearing what appeared to be a table cloth.
Flock: Okay, Tgirl, let's get his over with. I'm Flock and this is my partner, Elwood. We're looking for one of your kind. A BB who goes by the handle of BiT. Any idea where he could be?
TGirl: What does BiT stand for?
Elwood: We think it means Bites into Tacos. That makes as much sense as anything in this promo.
TGirl: What's a promo?
Elwood: It doesn't matter. Can you help us?
TGirl: Who are you? Can I have a taco?
Flock [voiceover]: It was clear she was on something but this was no Rocky Mountain high. We stepped outside so I could have a smoke. Plus I wanted a taco, thanks to TGirl.
Flock [voiceover]: Next stop was one of the most peculiar BBs we ever encountered. He went by the handle of SSS, which must have stood for Super Strong Silver.
I brought out my piece to show I was serious.
Flock: Okay, strong man. A BB named BiT who used to hang around these parts appears to be missing. The quicker you tell us where he is, the quicker my partner Elwood and I can vacate this shithole you people call home.
SSS: What does BiT stand for, mister cop in a boring button-down suit?
Elwood: We think it stands for Beebs is Terrific, but that's just a guess. Know where he is?
SSS: No. Excuse me while I do some leg work. Who's Beebs?
Flock: Just another Bored miscreant, I'm sure, but that's not important. Just tell us where BiT is.
SSS: Sun's out, guns out. So to speak. Oh, and I don't know where he is. Hasn't blessed us with his thoughts in quite some time. Say, is anyone else just diggin' a taco right now? I know I am.
Flock [voiceover]: It was clear SSS was way too into himself to be of any help to us. Plus, I still Jonesing for a taco. I decided to take a selfie, instead.
Boy, do I suck at technology.
Flock [voiceover]: Our next stop was with resident Bored artist named Esto. Finally, someone who seemed to be able to speak in complete sentences.
Flock: I'm gonna come clean with you, Esto. We've been all over this Bored and no one seems to know where BiT has gone to. It's like he was never here.
Esto: What does BiT stand for?
Flock: Et tu, Esto?
Esto: I'm just tappin' on your forehead, Flock. BiT stands for Back in Texas. That says it all.
Elwood: So it has nothing to do with tacos, which I still want, by the way.
Flock: You, sir, have earned the right to pull my finger.
Esto: No thanks. But since we're on the subject of BiT, you should know that all is well. He's just taking a breather from The Bored. Lots of cool cats do it from time to time. I suspect he'll return after the next election.
Flock: You're not like the other BBs, are you?
Esto: Deep down, we're all the same. Sure, I rock a groovy sweater and goatee, but there are some good folks in these parts. If you stick around until Monday, you'll be super impressed with the work of another type of artist.
Flock: Who's that?
Esto: Read the extremely large text at the end of this promo and you'll know.
Flock and Elwood:
TBone Hosts
The 2020 Boneys
Beginning Monday
At the Home For the Weary
And Nowhere Else!
Elwood: Now can we get tacos?
Flock: Absolutely. How about another selfie?
Elwood: Sure.
Flock: Much better
Elwood: The crappy promo is over. Why are people still reading?
Flock: I don't know. They must really like us. Let's keep posing.
Elwood: This is like the Ferris Bueller ending.
[voiceover] My name is Flock and I’m a cop. An internet cop. . .
and this is my partner, Elwood
Flock [voiceover]: We got a message from our old friends at a place called a Home For the Weary, otherwise known as The Bored. Yeah, that place. It was hard enough to stomach on a regular winter day when the sun was shining, but now it was an election year and the swill would be flowing stronger than ever. I swallowed a whole bottle of Milk of Magnesia and told my partner, Elwood, the bad news.
Flock: It looks like we're heading to our favorite corner of cyberspace.
Elwood: I doubt you're talking about Young Russian Singles dot com.
Flock: I wish.
Elwood: What now?
Flock: Here, pull my finger.
Elwood: No thanks.
Flock: Are you sure? What's the worse that can happen?
Elwood: I don't want to find out. My nose is sensitive.
Flock: Anyhoo, I got this message from one of the BBs, A Non E. Muss.
Elwood: Anonymous, huh? That's typical.
Flock: Not anonymous. A Non E. Muss.
Elwood: Anonymous.
Flock: No, A Non E. Muss.
Elwood: Please just move on. What's the message?
Flock: According to A Non E. Muss, some folks at Net Games Central are not very nice.
Elwood: What does that even mean?
Flock: I don't know, but he goes for page after page before finally getting to the point.
Elwood: Which is...?
Flock: One of the long-time BBs hasn't been seen in quite some time. I guess we need to do a wellness check.
Elwood: Another missing BB? We looked for LB "Blue Boy", some chick named Fanny, some long hair named Weasel, and even one of those meisters who hosts one of the crappy Bored challenges. It's the same thing every promo. Why should we care when one of these slackers takes a powder?
Flock: Well, we're just cops on the beat with bad haircuts and a job to do. Am I right?
Elwood: I guess so.
Flock: I said am I right?
Elwood: Yes, Flock, you're right. You're very right. As right as anyone can be. Better?
Flock: Much. Now here's me with a serious look.
Elwood: So who is the (un)lucky BB?
Flock: Our old friend BiT.
Elwood: The one who likes to fondle the baby Jesus?
Flock: That's the one. Now let's straighten your tie and hit the road. We're half way through the crappy promo and nothing has happened.
Flock [voiceover]: We rode along the information superhighway until we came to the slimy portal known as The Bored. To be safe, we packed a lot of heat and brought extra underwear, because, hey, you never know.
Flock [voiceover]: I had a list of BBs who may have information about BiT. First stop was a socialite named TGirl. I admit she looked like pretty hot in those catwoman glasses even wearing what appeared to be a table cloth.
Flock: Okay, Tgirl, let's get his over with. I'm Flock and this is my partner, Elwood. We're looking for one of your kind. A BB who goes by the handle of BiT. Any idea where he could be?
TGirl: What does BiT stand for?
Elwood: We think it means Bites into Tacos. That makes as much sense as anything in this promo.
TGirl: What's a promo?
Elwood: It doesn't matter. Can you help us?
TGirl: Who are you? Can I have a taco?
Flock [voiceover]: It was clear she was on something but this was no Rocky Mountain high. We stepped outside so I could have a smoke. Plus I wanted a taco, thanks to TGirl.
Flock [voiceover]: Next stop was one of the most peculiar BBs we ever encountered. He went by the handle of SSS, which must have stood for Super Strong Silver.
I brought out my piece to show I was serious.
Flock: Okay, strong man. A BB named BiT who used to hang around these parts appears to be missing. The quicker you tell us where he is, the quicker my partner Elwood and I can vacate this shithole you people call home.
SSS: What does BiT stand for, mister cop in a boring button-down suit?
Elwood: We think it stands for Beebs is Terrific, but that's just a guess. Know where he is?
SSS: No. Excuse me while I do some leg work. Who's Beebs?
Flock: Just another Bored miscreant, I'm sure, but that's not important. Just tell us where BiT is.
SSS: Sun's out, guns out. So to speak. Oh, and I don't know where he is. Hasn't blessed us with his thoughts in quite some time. Say, is anyone else just diggin' a taco right now? I know I am.
Flock [voiceover]: It was clear SSS was way too into himself to be of any help to us. Plus, I still Jonesing for a taco. I decided to take a selfie, instead.
Boy, do I suck at technology.
Flock [voiceover]: Our next stop was with resident Bored artist named Esto. Finally, someone who seemed to be able to speak in complete sentences.
Flock: I'm gonna come clean with you, Esto. We've been all over this Bored and no one seems to know where BiT has gone to. It's like he was never here.
Esto: What does BiT stand for?
Flock: Et tu, Esto?
Esto: I'm just tappin' on your forehead, Flock. BiT stands for Back in Texas. That says it all.
Elwood: So it has nothing to do with tacos, which I still want, by the way.
Flock: You, sir, have earned the right to pull my finger.
Esto: No thanks. But since we're on the subject of BiT, you should know that all is well. He's just taking a breather from The Bored. Lots of cool cats do it from time to time. I suspect he'll return after the next election.
Flock: You're not like the other BBs, are you?
Esto: Deep down, we're all the same. Sure, I rock a groovy sweater and goatee, but there are some good folks in these parts. If you stick around until Monday, you'll be super impressed with the work of another type of artist.
Flock: Who's that?
Esto: Read the extremely large text at the end of this promo and you'll know.
Flock and Elwood:
TBone Hosts
The 2020 Boneys
Beginning Monday
At the Home For the Weary
And Nowhere Else!
Elwood: Now can we get tacos?
Flock: Absolutely. How about another selfie?
Elwood: Sure.
Flock: Much better
Elwood: The crappy promo is over. Why are people still reading?
Flock: I don't know. They must really like us. Let's keep posing.
Elwood: This is like the Ferris Bueller ending.
