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I just read today's obituaries and saw that my ex-wife died. It has been over 20 years since we were married. The obit said that any memorials should go to a couple of cancer organizations. I do not plan to attend her memorial service but am trying to decide how proper or improper it would be to send something to one of the organizations in her name. We parted on decent terms but I haven't even seen her in over a dozen years. Part of me says let that dog keep sleeping and part says I should acknowledge the good years we had. What are the thoughts around here?

lilclyde54 wrote:I just read today's obituaries and saw that my ex-wife died. It has been over 20 years since we were married. The obit said that any memorials should go to a couple of cancer organizations. I do not plan to attend her memorial service but am trying to decide how proper or improper it would be to send something to one of the organizations in her name. We parted on decent terms but I haven't even seen her in over a dozen years. Part of me says let that dog keep sleeping and part says I should acknowledge the good years we had. What are the thoughts around here?

Don't see anything wrong with ia donation myself. Just shows yer a good guy.

Make the donation. You're not stirring up any "sleeping dogs." You simply are showing respect for someone who played an important role in your life long ago.

It would be kind of you to honor her and your good years together in that way.

It would be a decent thing to do.



And Happy Birthday to you!

Thanks for the input. I wound up doing it anonomously. Her obit mentioned a fiance' so I figured that would be the best way.

Thanks for the b'day wish TMITSS. Nothing like adding another candle to the cake.

I see wrong in donating to a cause that was important to her while she was living. It's respectful and you are merely honoring the fact that you once cared a lot for her.

I'm glad you honored her memory in that way.

If my ex died in a way that reflected something we had in common when we were married, I'd make sure I contributed. For example, he was on the local volunteer dept. when we were married, and if he died fighting a fire, I'd chip in for a memorial. I'd give the money to Wile E. (a mutual friend) to put in with his and make it anonymous.

I don't have much experience with such matters, so I may be wrong, but I think the anonymous donation kind of defeats the purpose. I don't think it's the money that matters, it's the expression of goodwill and respect that counts. Doing it anonymously leaves her remaining family thinking that her ex must still be bitter, because he never even acknowledged her passing.

TheConfessor wrote:I don't have much experience with such matters, so I may be wrong, but I think the anonymous donation kind of defeats the purpose. I don't think it's the money that matters, it's the expression of goodwill and respect that counts. Doing it anonymously leaves her remaining family thinking that her ex must still be bitter, because he never even acknowledged her passing.

I support the anonymousness -- OK, anonymity.

Everybody's case is different, and LC expressed his goodwill and respect with his contribution but didn't want to put the fiance in an awkward situation. How would the guy write the thank-you note? Would this make him want to not write one?

My case is different from LC's -- I know that my ex's spouse wouldn't want to write me a thank-you note, nor would his mother. But they would both be very pleased to acknowledge a generous contribution from Wile E.

SportsFan68 wrote:

TheConfessor wrote:I don't have much experience with such matters, so I may be wrong, but I think the anonymous donation kind of defeats the purpose. I don't think it's the money that matters, it's the expression of goodwill and respect that counts. Doing it anonymously leaves her remaining family thinking that her ex must still be bitter, because he never even acknowledged her passing.

I support the anonymousness -- OK, anonymity.

Everybody's case is different, and LC expressed his goodwill and respect with his contribution but didn't want to put the fiance in an awkward situation. How would the guy write the thank-you note? Would this make him want to not write one?

I guess I'd side with Ed on this one. Clyde mentioned that he and his ex ended "on decent terms," and I seriously doubt that she never told her fiancee that she was married before. Making the donation under his own name would show the guy that, while Clyde and ex-Clydelle weren't the best of friends, he was still sorry to hear she'd passed. That in itself is a kindness to her memory.

It would be a different story, I think, if the divorce had been a knock-down-drag-out-Kim Basinger-Alec Baldwin affair...but Clyde doesn't seem to have held any animosity towards his ex, so why not do it nonanonymously?

My parents hated each other after their divorce and growing up wasn't pleasant. It was only after Maddie was born when I told my parents that I wouldn't chose between them and they had better learn to get along for her sake or they would miss watching her growing up that they started acting like rational adults. I always admire people who can act civilized after a divorce.

I think that it's great that LC donated in his ex-wife's name, even if it was anonymously. Since the family didn't notify LC directly of his ex-wife's passing, the probably assume that he didn't know about it.

PlacentiaSoccerMom wrote:I see wrong in donating to a cause that was important to her while she was living. It's respectful and you are merely honoring the fact that you once cared a lot for her.

I hope you meant to say you saw "nothing wrong".

earendel wrote:

PlacentiaSoccerMom wrote:I see wrong in donating to a cause that was important to her while she was living. It's respectful and you are merely honoring the fact that you once cared a lot for her.

I hope you meant to say you saw "nothing wrong".

I did mean to say "nothing wrong." Sorry about that.

I think a lot depends on the circumstances surrounding the marriage and the divorce.

If you were on civil terms with the relatives, acknowledge the donation. If not, let sleeping dogs lie and make it anonymously.

If my ex died, I trust that anything I would do that his current wife would find out about would cause terrible upset, so I would not do anything she would find out about.

I do not know what I would do and I know it would be something to bring comfort and support to Pealette.