A Twitter horror story
Posted: Mon Jul 31, 2017 6:20 am
This was taken from a Twitter convo between two writers. It may have been staged, but it's still funny.
Sam:
yo, can you help me out
Chuck:
hey what do you need
Sam:
I don't know if I told you but I recently became a camp counselor
Chuck:
that's cool
Sam:
it was going super well but there's some kind of crazed serial killer roaming the grounds right now
Chuck:
oh shit that sometimes happens
Sam:
you got any advice? they're all dead. like, almost everyone
Chuck:
okay first I hate to ask this but are you sure YOU are not the killer?
Sam:
I can't be 100% sure
Chuck:
see yeah I wondered
are you covered in blood?
Sam:
no
wait, yes
Chuck:
is it your blood?
Sam:
how can you tell?
Chuck:
well, are you bleeding?
Sam:
I don't think so, no
Chuck:
okay, okay, lets see, what else
oh I know
are you holding a weapon? probably a sharp one?
Sam:
hang on, let me check
is a machete a weapon
Chuck:
in this context, yes
but! It could be because you are protecting yourself so
last question
are you wearing some kind of... creepy mask?
Sam:
like subjective creepy or objective creepy
Chuck:
generally, the creepiness will be broadly creepy like to a mass audience, so, lets go with objectively
Sam:
okay so what kind of professions might be considered creepy
Chuck:
like, I dunno, a clown, or a human scarecrow, or a plague doctor from a long time ago
... wait you are wearing a mask aren't you
Sam:
yeah but I don't know if it's creepy
Chuck:
okay let's take creepy out of the equation
what kind of mask are you wearing?
Sam:
a wooden mask whose empty eyes drink in the light and whose jagged grin suggests it was carved, forced upon it when it didn't laugh
Chuck:
oh see, yeah, yep, that's creepy
that's not even a job or anything that's just
I mean, you found an evil mask and put it on
Sam:
all right I can appreciate that but I came for advice not judgment
Chuck:
okay, fair enough
hey, so, I Googled all this stuff and it looks a whole lot like you are the killer, so that's a plus for you
Sam:
all right cool cool
so what does one typically do in these situations
Chuck:
well, good news is, you can probably feel free to just kill more people
but uhhh
there is bad news too
Sam:
oh boy
let's hear it
Chuck:
so, generally speaking, like, mooooost of the time, you're gonna get got
probably by the last person you choose to kill
Sam:
oh fuck, you might be right
there's like three or four of those guys still running around
Chuck:
right, yeah, so if you kill all of them, the last one you go to kill will totally turn the tables on you
but there is more good news
Sam:
oh, sweet, I was hoping for an upside
Chuck:
upside: you won't just die
you'll get to keep coming back with new chances to kill, kill, kill
but, ya know, more bad news, too
Sam:
jeez this is a real emotional rollercoaster
what's the bad news?
Chuck:
you're still probably gonna die
so, one option is, you just quit now
you just like, stop killing and go do some other shit
Sam:
so okay I agree that SOUNDS really intelligent but I'm kind of in the middle of the woods so...like...what else is there to do?
Chuck:
you could walk away and find a video arcade or maybe a fast food place
if you stay in the woods the kids are probably gonna nail you tho
Sam:
right, the last one will, you said
so, like, just between us?
Chuck:
sure go on total cone of silence
Sam:
like, totally hypothetically not doing it, but you said the LAST one would kill me
so like, so long as there's two left, I'm okay, right
Chuck:
I mean, maybe
the math sounds legit
is the mask demanding you kill them? like, real talk time
Sam:
not exactly?
so, like, I don't do what this thing tells me but I am agreeing with a lot of what it says
Chuck:
so maybe you and the mask just share a hobby
that's nice
Sam:
it's pretty good, actually. you know how when you meet someone and they're not friends YET but you can tell you're gonna be GOOD friends?
Chuck:
oh yeah it's just like, total sympatico!
where did you find the mask?
Sam:
in the woods on a nature hike
some crazy desiccated corpse was holding onto it, ringed by salt and bound with crucifixes
Chuck:
sure, I would've picked that up to, just for shits and giggles
Sam:
like I just wanted to do it for the STORY, you know? just to say I've done it
anyway, I put it on and a LOT of people started dying
Chuck:
yep, pretty classic case
so, I figure you can kill maybe two more but if you wanna be safe go with like, one
Sam:
all right yeah, cool
but hypothetically, if I killed, like, three, how bad would that be
Chuck:
welp
you'd PROBABLY die
Sam:
so here's the crazy thing
and, like, get ready because you're going to laugh when you hear this
Chuck:
go on
Sam:
I killed all three and thought "huh, that's weird, chuck said one of them would kill me"
but get this, just listen
Chuck:
uh oh
Sam:
this one I THOUGHT I killed way back at the beginning came back at the very end all beat up and bruised and looking for vengeance
Chuck:
see, that's a thing, yeah
Sam:
anyway this is kind of awkward because I'm trapped under a girder in a boathouse and all this gasoline is seeping in
Chuck:
oh
ohhhhhh
hey, so bad news
Sam:
oh boy
this isn't great, is it
Chuck:
you are on the way to your inevitable and ineluctable end
but!
good news, maybe
Sam:
oh, sweet sweet
hey if I log off it's because this broken, flaming lantern on the edge of the table fell off
Chuck:
okay, yeah, so, here's the good news
there's always a sequel
Sam:
sweet, sweet
so hey, thanks for talking to me about it, it really means a lot
I guess I'll see you in...two? three years?
Chuck:
see you when lightning strikes your dread grave, pal
Sam:
yo, can you help me out
Chuck:
hey what do you need
Sam:
I don't know if I told you but I recently became a camp counselor
Chuck:
that's cool
Sam:
it was going super well but there's some kind of crazed serial killer roaming the grounds right now
Chuck:
oh shit that sometimes happens
Sam:
you got any advice? they're all dead. like, almost everyone
Chuck:
okay first I hate to ask this but are you sure YOU are not the killer?
Sam:
I can't be 100% sure
Chuck:
see yeah I wondered
are you covered in blood?
Sam:
no
wait, yes
Chuck:
is it your blood?
Sam:
how can you tell?
Chuck:
well, are you bleeding?
Sam:
I don't think so, no
Chuck:
okay, okay, lets see, what else
oh I know
are you holding a weapon? probably a sharp one?
Sam:
hang on, let me check
is a machete a weapon
Chuck:
in this context, yes
but! It could be because you are protecting yourself so
last question
are you wearing some kind of... creepy mask?
Sam:
like subjective creepy or objective creepy
Chuck:
generally, the creepiness will be broadly creepy like to a mass audience, so, lets go with objectively
Sam:
okay so what kind of professions might be considered creepy
Chuck:
like, I dunno, a clown, or a human scarecrow, or a plague doctor from a long time ago
... wait you are wearing a mask aren't you
Sam:
yeah but I don't know if it's creepy
Chuck:
okay let's take creepy out of the equation
what kind of mask are you wearing?
Sam:
a wooden mask whose empty eyes drink in the light and whose jagged grin suggests it was carved, forced upon it when it didn't laugh
Chuck:
oh see, yeah, yep, that's creepy
that's not even a job or anything that's just
I mean, you found an evil mask and put it on
Sam:
all right I can appreciate that but I came for advice not judgment
Chuck:
okay, fair enough
hey, so, I Googled all this stuff and it looks a whole lot like you are the killer, so that's a plus for you
Sam:
all right cool cool
so what does one typically do in these situations
Chuck:
well, good news is, you can probably feel free to just kill more people
but uhhh
there is bad news too
Sam:
oh boy
let's hear it
Chuck:
so, generally speaking, like, mooooost of the time, you're gonna get got
probably by the last person you choose to kill
Sam:
oh fuck, you might be right
there's like three or four of those guys still running around
Chuck:
right, yeah, so if you kill all of them, the last one you go to kill will totally turn the tables on you
but there is more good news
Sam:
oh, sweet, I was hoping for an upside
Chuck:
upside: you won't just die
you'll get to keep coming back with new chances to kill, kill, kill
but, ya know, more bad news, too
Sam:
jeez this is a real emotional rollercoaster
what's the bad news?
Chuck:
you're still probably gonna die
so, one option is, you just quit now
you just like, stop killing and go do some other shit
Sam:
so okay I agree that SOUNDS really intelligent but I'm kind of in the middle of the woods so...like...what else is there to do?
Chuck:
you could walk away and find a video arcade or maybe a fast food place
if you stay in the woods the kids are probably gonna nail you tho
Sam:
right, the last one will, you said
so, like, just between us?
Chuck:
sure go on total cone of silence
Sam:
like, totally hypothetically not doing it, but you said the LAST one would kill me
so like, so long as there's two left, I'm okay, right
Chuck:
I mean, maybe
the math sounds legit
is the mask demanding you kill them? like, real talk time
Sam:
not exactly?
so, like, I don't do what this thing tells me but I am agreeing with a lot of what it says
Chuck:
so maybe you and the mask just share a hobby
that's nice
Sam:
it's pretty good, actually. you know how when you meet someone and they're not friends YET but you can tell you're gonna be GOOD friends?
Chuck:
oh yeah it's just like, total sympatico!
where did you find the mask?
Sam:
in the woods on a nature hike
some crazy desiccated corpse was holding onto it, ringed by salt and bound with crucifixes
Chuck:
sure, I would've picked that up to, just for shits and giggles
Sam:
like I just wanted to do it for the STORY, you know? just to say I've done it
anyway, I put it on and a LOT of people started dying
Chuck:
yep, pretty classic case
so, I figure you can kill maybe two more but if you wanna be safe go with like, one
Sam:
all right yeah, cool
but hypothetically, if I killed, like, three, how bad would that be
Chuck:
welp
you'd PROBABLY die
Sam:
so here's the crazy thing
and, like, get ready because you're going to laugh when you hear this
Chuck:
go on
Sam:
I killed all three and thought "huh, that's weird, chuck said one of them would kill me"
but get this, just listen
Chuck:
uh oh
Sam:
this one I THOUGHT I killed way back at the beginning came back at the very end all beat up and bruised and looking for vengeance
Chuck:
see, that's a thing, yeah
Sam:
anyway this is kind of awkward because I'm trapped under a girder in a boathouse and all this gasoline is seeping in
Chuck:
oh
ohhhhhh
hey, so bad news
Sam:
oh boy
this isn't great, is it
Chuck:
you are on the way to your inevitable and ineluctable end
but!
good news, maybe
Sam:
oh, sweet sweet
hey if I log off it's because this broken, flaming lantern on the edge of the table fell off
Chuck:
okay, yeah, so, here's the good news
there's always a sequel
Sam:
sweet, sweet
so hey, thanks for talking to me about it, it really means a lot
I guess I'll see you in...two? three years?
Chuck:
see you when lightning strikes your dread grave, pal