Jack Webb Presents: The Case of The Missing Boneys
Posted: Tue Feb 23, 2016 10:08 pm
Narrator: The story you are about to experience is true. None of the names have been changed because no one is innocent.
[voiceover] My name is Marley and I’m a cop. An internet cop. . .
and this is my partner, Elwood
Marley [voiceover]: It was a Monday, my favorite day of the week. Elwood and I had been working the robbery unit for the past
month. Mostly simple stuff like petty theft and the occasional holdup. Nothing we couldn’t handle. Our highlight of the week happened
when a guy tried to take a few quarters from a change machine in a laundry room.
We tried it the easy way…
But this lowlife fought back
But I was ready for him
Too bad. All that to avoid the spin cycle.
Marley [voiceover]: After Elwood finished typing up the report
I had a date with a specimen cup
Elwood: Standard procedure, Marley. If you shoot someone you have to piss in a cup to prove you’re clean.
Marley: I’m not worried, Elwood. I’m the cleanest cop in all of cyberspace. My ex-wife used to say I could eat a bar of soap
and shit Borax the next day.
Elwood: That’s doesn’t make any sense, Marley.
Marley: It’s just a crappy promo, Elwood. It’s not supposed to. But you know what does make sense? Me in a nice plaid suit.
Like this:
Marley [voiceover]: The next day we got called down to cyber division to handle a simple case of theft.
You never know what could happen in cyber division. Elwood did the talking.
Elwood: What seems to be the trouble, sir?
T_Bone: I’m T_Bone and someone stole my list.
Elwood: What list?
T_Bone: That would be the Boneys. I make a list of the best songs of the year and post them for my friends.
Elwood: Say, I remember hearing about them a year or so ago. You don’t look like a T_Bone.
T_Bone: Look who’s talking, Elwood.
Elwood: Good point.
Marley: I remember you. Don’t you hang out with all those crazy cyberfrends?
T_Bone: A Home for the weary, we like to call it. Others call it The Bored.
Marley: Oh, THAT place. I should have known.
T_Bone: I’m pretty sure it’s someone who regularly plays Lyrically Speaking. I last saw my list on Wacky Wednesday.
Elwood: We’ll look into it. Don’t run away or anything.
T_Bone: I can pretty much guarantee that.
Marley [voiceover]: The worst part about working cyber division was visiting shitholes like The Bored on a regular basis.
Sure, there are worse places around, like maybe Bangladesh or Calcutta during a heatwave, but we’re cops and we had a
job to do. But first, we had a little research to take care of, so we headed straight to the trusty filing cabinet.
Elwood: What are we looking for, Marley?
Marley: We need to make a list of the worst offenders on The Bored. T_Bone mentioned that insipid game Lyrically Speaking,
so we’ll start there. It’s all we have for now.
Elwood: I’ll start reading the archives.
Marley [voiceover]: With so many slimy characters to choose from, it wasn’t easy figuring out which BBs we should shake
down when we went to The Bored. After some give and take (and several showers) Elwood typed up the list…
and off we went. As always we had to protect ourselves, so a visit to the special room in the basement was in order.
Elwood: Don’t you think taking dynamite with us is a bit extreme, Marley?
Marley: Perhaps you’re right. Maybe we should stick with more traditional armaments. How about this little baby?
Elwood: Nice. Now adjust the lighting for effect.
Marley: Like this?
Elwood: That’s the one.
Marley [voiceover]: Going to unsavory places was part of the job, so Elwood and I headed held our noses and headed to
the Home For the Weary.
The first BB we visited was Smiler.
All he kept saying was, “It’s a mad, mad, mad, mad, mad, mad world,” over and over. Dead end.
Marley [voiceover]: Next came a dapper gentleman named Esto.
He didn’t know anything about this year’s Boneys list, but he did correct several errors in Elwood’s notebook. Thanks a lot, pal!
Marley [voiceover]: We went to visit a guy named Tangredi and his secretary, Melly. Yeah, like that’s his real name.
All Tangredi did was laugh every time we mentioned the word “Boneys.” A real class act.
Marley [voiceover]: I was getting really tired of dealing with these lowlifes. Next came Saucy:
Then Weasel:
Then some guy named Jarnon in his fancy vest
Marley [voiceover]: All these BBs were having a negative effect on me and I had half a mind to end it all right then and there.
Elwood: Don’t do it, Marley. We’re making good progress on the list of suspects.
Marley: I suppose you’re right.
Marley [voiceover]: Our next stop was to talk with a BB named Krox.
Elwood: You’re one of those Lyrically Speaking types, right?
Krox: Yes, I play Lyrically Spaking.
Elwood: Speaking.
Krox: Spaking, yes.
Elwood: Whatever. Anything weird or out of the ordinary going on there? Anyone you think may have a reason to steal the
Boneys list?
Krox: Do I get extra points for naming this person?
Marley: Sure, Krox, have as many as you want.
Krox: Well, there is this one BB…
Marley [voiceover]: Krox gave us a name, so Elwood and I went to check it out. It was in the worst part of The Bored: an
active political thread. The BB in question goes by BiT, which I’m sure stands for Back in Trouble.
Marley: Okay, BiT, the jig is up.
Elwood: The news is out.
BiT: You finally found me.
Marley: Enough of the lyrics, renegade. Just tell us why you stole the Boneys.
BiT: I’ve been listening to all these songs. I believe they are the devil’s music. Probably written by a bunch of liberals.
Elwood: Come on, BiT. It’s only rock and roll
Marley: But I like it. Now give back the Boneys or St. Francis here takes one in the gut.
BiT: Okay, okay. I’ve never heard of these groups, anyway.
Marley: Let’s go, Elwood. Our work is done here. One more pose for the ladies.
Elwood: Long live rock and roll.
Marley: Knock it off, the promo's over.
T_Bone Presents
The 2015 Boney Awards
Arriving March 5
[voiceover] My name is Marley and I’m a cop. An internet cop. . .
and this is my partner, Elwood
Marley [voiceover]: It was a Monday, my favorite day of the week. Elwood and I had been working the robbery unit for the past
month. Mostly simple stuff like petty theft and the occasional holdup. Nothing we couldn’t handle. Our highlight of the week happened
when a guy tried to take a few quarters from a change machine in a laundry room.
We tried it the easy way…
But this lowlife fought back
But I was ready for him
Too bad. All that to avoid the spin cycle.
Marley [voiceover]: After Elwood finished typing up the report
I had a date with a specimen cup
Elwood: Standard procedure, Marley. If you shoot someone you have to piss in a cup to prove you’re clean.
Marley: I’m not worried, Elwood. I’m the cleanest cop in all of cyberspace. My ex-wife used to say I could eat a bar of soap
and shit Borax the next day.
Elwood: That’s doesn’t make any sense, Marley.
Marley: It’s just a crappy promo, Elwood. It’s not supposed to. But you know what does make sense? Me in a nice plaid suit.
Like this:
Marley [voiceover]: The next day we got called down to cyber division to handle a simple case of theft.
You never know what could happen in cyber division. Elwood did the talking.
Elwood: What seems to be the trouble, sir?
T_Bone: I’m T_Bone and someone stole my list.
Elwood: What list?
T_Bone: That would be the Boneys. I make a list of the best songs of the year and post them for my friends.
Elwood: Say, I remember hearing about them a year or so ago. You don’t look like a T_Bone.
T_Bone: Look who’s talking, Elwood.
Elwood: Good point.
Marley: I remember you. Don’t you hang out with all those crazy cyberfrends?
T_Bone: A Home for the weary, we like to call it. Others call it The Bored.
Marley: Oh, THAT place. I should have known.
T_Bone: I’m pretty sure it’s someone who regularly plays Lyrically Speaking. I last saw my list on Wacky Wednesday.
Elwood: We’ll look into it. Don’t run away or anything.
T_Bone: I can pretty much guarantee that.
Marley [voiceover]: The worst part about working cyber division was visiting shitholes like The Bored on a regular basis.
Sure, there are worse places around, like maybe Bangladesh or Calcutta during a heatwave, but we’re cops and we had a
job to do. But first, we had a little research to take care of, so we headed straight to the trusty filing cabinet.
Elwood: What are we looking for, Marley?
Marley: We need to make a list of the worst offenders on The Bored. T_Bone mentioned that insipid game Lyrically Speaking,
so we’ll start there. It’s all we have for now.
Elwood: I’ll start reading the archives.
Marley [voiceover]: With so many slimy characters to choose from, it wasn’t easy figuring out which BBs we should shake
down when we went to The Bored. After some give and take (and several showers) Elwood typed up the list…
and off we went. As always we had to protect ourselves, so a visit to the special room in the basement was in order.
Elwood: Don’t you think taking dynamite with us is a bit extreme, Marley?
Marley: Perhaps you’re right. Maybe we should stick with more traditional armaments. How about this little baby?
Elwood: Nice. Now adjust the lighting for effect.
Marley: Like this?
Elwood: That’s the one.
Marley [voiceover]: Going to unsavory places was part of the job, so Elwood and I headed held our noses and headed to
the Home For the Weary.
The first BB we visited was Smiler.
All he kept saying was, “It’s a mad, mad, mad, mad, mad, mad world,” over and over. Dead end.
Marley [voiceover]: Next came a dapper gentleman named Esto.
He didn’t know anything about this year’s Boneys list, but he did correct several errors in Elwood’s notebook. Thanks a lot, pal!
Marley [voiceover]: We went to visit a guy named Tangredi and his secretary, Melly. Yeah, like that’s his real name.
All Tangredi did was laugh every time we mentioned the word “Boneys.” A real class act.
Marley [voiceover]: I was getting really tired of dealing with these lowlifes. Next came Saucy:
Then Weasel:
Then some guy named Jarnon in his fancy vest
Marley [voiceover]: All these BBs were having a negative effect on me and I had half a mind to end it all right then and there.
Elwood: Don’t do it, Marley. We’re making good progress on the list of suspects.
Marley: I suppose you’re right.
Marley [voiceover]: Our next stop was to talk with a BB named Krox.
Elwood: You’re one of those Lyrically Speaking types, right?
Krox: Yes, I play Lyrically Spaking.
Elwood: Speaking.
Krox: Spaking, yes.
Elwood: Whatever. Anything weird or out of the ordinary going on there? Anyone you think may have a reason to steal the
Boneys list?
Krox: Do I get extra points for naming this person?
Marley: Sure, Krox, have as many as you want.
Krox: Well, there is this one BB…
Marley [voiceover]: Krox gave us a name, so Elwood and I went to check it out. It was in the worst part of The Bored: an
active political thread. The BB in question goes by BiT, which I’m sure stands for Back in Trouble.
Marley: Okay, BiT, the jig is up.
Elwood: The news is out.
BiT: You finally found me.
Marley: Enough of the lyrics, renegade. Just tell us why you stole the Boneys.
BiT: I’ve been listening to all these songs. I believe they are the devil’s music. Probably written by a bunch of liberals.
Elwood: Come on, BiT. It’s only rock and roll
Marley: But I like it. Now give back the Boneys or St. Francis here takes one in the gut.
BiT: Okay, okay. I’ve never heard of these groups, anyway.
Marley: Let’s go, Elwood. Our work is done here. One more pose for the ladies.
Elwood: Long live rock and roll.
Marley: Knock it off, the promo's over.
T_Bone Presents
The 2015 Boney Awards
Arriving March 5
