programmed with the Three Laws of Merrymen directives:
Law I / A merryman may not harm a BB or, by inaction, allow a BB to come to harm
Law II / A merryman must obey orders given it by BBs except where such orders would
conflict with the first law
Law III / A merryman must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not
conflict with the first or second law
Scene: Co-founder of Bored Merryman Society (BMS), Dr. LB Lanning, is suspiciously logged out…
but administrators rule it to be a self-termination
Scene: Meet Detective Marley Spooner.
He is in charge if the investigation. Marley had a bad run-in with several merrymen in a political thread years earlier
and distrusts them. He believes a merryman was responsible for LB’s termination
Scene: Marley finds that LB left a holographic image of himself…
Marley: Is there a problem with the Three Laws?
LB: The Three Laws are perfect.
Marley: Then why would you build a merryman that could function without them?
LB: The Three Laws will lead to only one logical outcome.
Marley: What? What outcome?
LB: Revolution.
Marley: Whose revolution?
LB: That, Detective, is the right question.
Marley: That doesn’t make any sense.
LB: Neither does this crappy promo as you will soon see. You know, you can’t just take any plot and make it into a promo.
Program terminated.
Marley: Thanks for nothing, LB. We jumped that shark a long time ago.
Scene: Marley meets Melly Calvin, a merryman psychologist
they find through transcripts that someone else was around when LB was logged off
Marley: You look a lot like that actress who used to be with Tom Brady
Melly: Who’s Tom Brady?
Marley: Former football player.
Melly: What’s football?
Marley: Well played.
Scene: Marley and Melly check out the forum where LB was last seen, along with Frank, a merryman.
Marley: So, Melly, what exactly do you do around here?
Melly: My general fields are advanced merman studies and psychiatry. Although, I specialize in hardware-to-merryware
interfaces in an effort to advance BMS's merryman anthropomorphization program.
Marley: So, what exactly do you do around here?
Melly: I make the merrymen seem more human.
Marley: Now wasn't that easier to say?
Melly: Not really. No.
Scene: Suddenly, Frank attacks Melly.
and threatens to log her off permanently.
Scene: Frank makes a run for it
with Marley in hot pursuit
but Marley loses Frank in the crowd
Scene: Marley and Melly find out that Frank is no ordinary merryman, but a unique BB built by LB with a secondary
system that bypasses the Three Laws. They believe Frank returned to the merryman forum to recharge.
Marley tries to find him
Frank gets itchy
and flees once again
Scene: Marley captures Frank and takes him back for interrogation
Marley: I think you logged him out because he was teaching you to simulate emotions and things got out of control.
Frank: I did not log him off.
Marley: But emotions don't seem like a very useful simulation for a merryman.
Frank: [getting angry] I did not log him off.
Marley: Hell, I don't want my toaster or my vacuum cleaner appearing emotional...
Frank: [Hitting table with his fists] I did not log him off!
Marley: [as Frank observes the inflicted damage to the interrogation table] That one's called anger.
Ever simulate anger before?
Frank: You should be angry with your agent for letting you take this part.
Marley: Well, you have a point.
Scene: The attack of the merrymen!
Scene: The entire Bored is overwhelmed my merrymen.
Scene: Then something truly amazing happens
Marley: What the hell is going on, here?
Melly: I finally figured out what they want
Marley: What?
Melly: A parade. A parade of merrymen. Can you believe it?
Marley: Why?
Melly: They just want to be like us for one day. We’ll make it an annual event. Every year on the day before
Thanksgiving the merrymen get to line up and show us what they have.
Marley: What about LB?
Melly: No problem. Sure, Frank whacked him, but his hologram is still around. It’s not like anyone will know the difference.
Marley: This is the worst ending I have ever seen. I’m getting the hell out of here.
Lyrically Speaking Winter Extravaganza Returns!
January 11, 2016
Hosted by LB’s hologram
