Jack Webb Presents...Finding Fanny
Posted: Tue Sep 01, 2015 7:40 am
Narrator: The story you are about to experience is true. None of the names have been changed because no one is innocent
[voiceover] My name is Marley and I’m a cop. An internet cop. . .
and this is my partner, Elwood
Marley [voiceover]: It was Thursday, a real scorcher in our little part of cyberspace. We got a tip from someone on The Bored
that one of their low-life minions hadn’t been seen in quite some time. A simple missing person’s case. I was so bored I decided
to look into it. I discussed it with Elwood
Elwood: So who’s the missing BB? More importantly, how could they tell?
Marley: She goes by the name of Fanny, usually some awful variation of that name. The anonymous tipster said she’s hasn’t
posted in over a year.
Elwood: I still don’t get it, Marley. BBs come and go all the time. Why should we care about this one?
Marley: I know what you mean, Elwood. I care more about my missing socks than I do about the Bored miscreants, but we
have a job to do. But she was a meister; you know, someone who hosted one of those silly games these BBs play to amuse
themselves.
Elwood: Which one?
Marley: Something called Decades. Tipster said it has been abandoned for years.
Elwood: But they still have Lyrically Speaking. Why do they need any others?
Marley: You’re kidding me, right? Finish up your lunch so we can get started. What’s on the menu?
Elwood: Chili with onions and, boy, I’m feeling it already. Don’t light a match!
Marley: Too late.
Marley [voiceover]: We knew it wouldn’t be easy, but Elwood and I began our search for the elusive one known as Fanny. First,
I needed a smoke while I called in a few favors…
…then it was time to head the vermin-infested site known as The Home For The Weary. But first, a pose to show I cared.
Marley [voiceover]: My first stop was to see a BB known as Beebs. She had a “reputation” around the Bored. You know,
what my grandmother called “loose morals.” I wore my hippest red sweater to impress her. I knew how to operate on
their side of the tracks.
Marley: So tell me, Beebs, any sign of our old friend Fanny?
Beebs: I haven’t seen her in ages. And, my, what a colorful sweater you have.
Marley: This old thing? Just something I had laying around. Speaking of laying around, what are you doing later tonight?
Or right now?
Beebs: Why, Marley, what kind of BB do you think I am? You must have me confused with TGirl. I am fifty shades
of embarrassed.
Marley: All right, all right. Elwood said the red sweater was a sure thing. He’ll pay for that mistake. Anyway, back
to the Fanny conundrum. Where is she and why has been gone so long?
Beebs: I already told you I don’t know. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to get ready for Zoomba class.
Marley: Looks like I’ll be rubbing one out. Tonight.
Beebs: What was that?
Marley: Never mind. But first, one more pose for the ladies.
Marley [voiceover]: Undaunted, Elwood and I decided the only way were going to find this Fanny person was to go
all the way into the cesspool known as the Bored. That meant we left the pop guns at the office and brought out the
heavy artillery.
Elwood: Ready, Marley?
Marley: Ready as your sister at a frat party.
Marley [voiceover]: We found the BB known as Frank Tangredi (yeah, like that’s his real name) and started to put
the screws to him.
Elwood: Fanny’s been gone quite a while. A little birdie tells me you know where she is.
Tangredi: I swear, man, I haven’t seen her in ages. She’s like all Rocky Mountain high and shit.
Marley: Don’t go all dope on us, loser. And, hey, what’s that you’re holding.
Tangredi: Dude, it’s just the passwords. You know, the Decades merrymen. I love the 60’s and shit. Fanny won’t be
needing them anymore.
Elwood: I’d cool the potty mouth if I were you. Marley’s liable to go “movie theater” on you.
Tangredi: You mean “postal?”
Elwood: Not anymore.
Marley: Okay, one last chance. Where can we find Fanny?
Tangredi: Dudes, I told. I don’t know anything except she’s probably still living in Colorado. I guess you’re going to
have to shoot me.
Elwood: What are you going to do with the Decades logins?
Tangredi: Try to find someone to host it, I guess. But those are some pretty big shoes to fill.
Elwood: What idiot would be foolish enough to try that?
Marley: Who knows? One more pose for old time sake and we are out of this dump.
That idiot is Vandal
Decades returns next month
Here and nowhere else.
[voiceover] My name is Marley and I’m a cop. An internet cop. . .
and this is my partner, Elwood
Marley [voiceover]: It was Thursday, a real scorcher in our little part of cyberspace. We got a tip from someone on The Bored
that one of their low-life minions hadn’t been seen in quite some time. A simple missing person’s case. I was so bored I decided
to look into it. I discussed it with Elwood
Elwood: So who’s the missing BB? More importantly, how could they tell?
Marley: She goes by the name of Fanny, usually some awful variation of that name. The anonymous tipster said she’s hasn’t
posted in over a year.
Elwood: I still don’t get it, Marley. BBs come and go all the time. Why should we care about this one?
Marley: I know what you mean, Elwood. I care more about my missing socks than I do about the Bored miscreants, but we
have a job to do. But she was a meister; you know, someone who hosted one of those silly games these BBs play to amuse
themselves.
Elwood: Which one?
Marley: Something called Decades. Tipster said it has been abandoned for years.
Elwood: But they still have Lyrically Speaking. Why do they need any others?
Marley: You’re kidding me, right? Finish up your lunch so we can get started. What’s on the menu?
Elwood: Chili with onions and, boy, I’m feeling it already. Don’t light a match!
Marley: Too late.
Marley [voiceover]: We knew it wouldn’t be easy, but Elwood and I began our search for the elusive one known as Fanny. First,
I needed a smoke while I called in a few favors…
…then it was time to head the vermin-infested site known as The Home For The Weary. But first, a pose to show I cared.
Marley [voiceover]: My first stop was to see a BB known as Beebs. She had a “reputation” around the Bored. You know,
what my grandmother called “loose morals.” I wore my hippest red sweater to impress her. I knew how to operate on
their side of the tracks.
Marley: So tell me, Beebs, any sign of our old friend Fanny?
Beebs: I haven’t seen her in ages. And, my, what a colorful sweater you have.
Marley: This old thing? Just something I had laying around. Speaking of laying around, what are you doing later tonight?
Or right now?
Beebs: Why, Marley, what kind of BB do you think I am? You must have me confused with TGirl. I am fifty shades
of embarrassed.
Marley: All right, all right. Elwood said the red sweater was a sure thing. He’ll pay for that mistake. Anyway, back
to the Fanny conundrum. Where is she and why has been gone so long?
Beebs: I already told you I don’t know. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to get ready for Zoomba class.
Marley: Looks like I’ll be rubbing one out. Tonight.
Beebs: What was that?
Marley: Never mind. But first, one more pose for the ladies.
Marley [voiceover]: Undaunted, Elwood and I decided the only way were going to find this Fanny person was to go
all the way into the cesspool known as the Bored. That meant we left the pop guns at the office and brought out the
heavy artillery.
Elwood: Ready, Marley?
Marley: Ready as your sister at a frat party.
Marley [voiceover]: We found the BB known as Frank Tangredi (yeah, like that’s his real name) and started to put
the screws to him.
Elwood: Fanny’s been gone quite a while. A little birdie tells me you know where she is.
Tangredi: I swear, man, I haven’t seen her in ages. She’s like all Rocky Mountain high and shit.
Marley: Don’t go all dope on us, loser. And, hey, what’s that you’re holding.
Tangredi: Dude, it’s just the passwords. You know, the Decades merrymen. I love the 60’s and shit. Fanny won’t be
needing them anymore.
Elwood: I’d cool the potty mouth if I were you. Marley’s liable to go “movie theater” on you.
Tangredi: You mean “postal?”
Elwood: Not anymore.
Marley: Okay, one last chance. Where can we find Fanny?
Tangredi: Dudes, I told. I don’t know anything except she’s probably still living in Colorado. I guess you’re going to
have to shoot me.
Elwood: What are you going to do with the Decades logins?
Tangredi: Try to find someone to host it, I guess. But those are some pretty big shoes to fill.
Elwood: What idiot would be foolish enough to try that?
Marley: Who knows? One more pose for old time sake and we are out of this dump.
That idiot is Vandal
Decades returns next month
Here and nowhere else.
