Steven SpielBored Presents..Fifty Shades of Silver
Posted: Mon May 04, 2015 6:26 am
Scene: Young, virtuous Tlynn goes to interview Bored member and film critic Christian Silver at his company headquarters
for her college newspaper
Tlynn: I'm Theresa Steele, but everyone calls me Tlynn. Um, Miss Camaro has the flu so she asked me to fill in.
Silver: I see. So you're studying journalism as well?
Tlynn: No, English Lit. She's my roommate.
Silver: As I said, I only have ten minutes. Please have a seat, Tlynn.
[Actual movie dialogue alert (mostly)!!]
Silver: I would like to know more about you.
Tlynn: There's really not much to know about me.
Silver: You said you're an English major. Tell me, was it Charlotte Bronte, Jane Austen, or Thomas Hardy who
first made you fall in love with literature?
Tlynn: Hardy.
Silver: I would have guessed Jane Austen. What are your plans after you graduate?
Tlynn: I'm just trying to get through finals right now.
Silver: And then?
Tlynn: And then I was planning on becoming a Bored member.
Silver: We offer an excellent internship program and you’ll just love the political threads
Tlynn: I don't think I'd fit in here. Look at me.
Silver: I am.
Scene: Silver visits Tlynn at the hardware where she works
[Actual movie dialogue alert (mostly)!!]
Silver: I was in the area on business. Needed to pick up a few things.
Tlynn: Yeah! What can I help you with?
Silver: Do you stock cable ties?
Tlynn: Cable ties, yes we do. I can show you if you want.
Silver: Please lead the way, Tlynn.
Tlynn: Is that it?
Silver: Masking tape.
Tlynn: Do you want anything else?
Silver: Yes. Rope.
Tlynn: Okay... rope, tape, cable ties. What are you going to do with all this stuff?
Silver: Get free wi-fi.
Scene: Silver and Tlynn begin seeing each other on a regular basis, posting in each other’s threads as often as
possible. Then Silver decides to show Tlynn his “special” forum…
Silver: It's just behind this door.
Tlynn: What is?
Silver: A forum I call my playroom.
Tlynn: Like for your Xbox and stuff?
Silver: You’re really not too smart, are you? But it's important that you know you can log off at anytime.
Tlynn: Why? What's in there?
Silver: I meant what I said. You can log out of this thread at any time.
Tlynn: Silver, just open the door!
Tlynn: Oh my God. All that stuff you bought, it wasn’t for free wi-fi, was it?
Silver: Not even close.
Scene: Silver reveals his true self to Tlynn
[More actual movie dialogue ahead!!]
Tlynn: You're a sadist?
Silver: I'm a dominant.
Tlynn: What is that mean?
Silver: It means that I want you to willingly surrender yourself to me.
Tlynn: Why would I do that?
Silver: To please me.
Tlynn: To please you? How?
Silver: I have rules. If you follow them, I'll reward you. If you don't, I'll punish you.
Tlynn: What can I get out of this?
Silver: Me. And free movie reviews.
Scene: Silver asks Tlynn to sign a contract to be the submissive to his dominant.
[Actual movie dialogue alert (kind of)!!]
Tlynn: I'll review all these changes and try to arrive at a decision.
Silver: You want to leave?
Tlynn: Yes.
Silver: But your body tells me something different. Your legs, for instance. The way you're pressing your thighs
together under the table. And the change in your breathing. And in your complexion.
Tlynn: My complexion?
Silver: You're flushed.
Tlynn: That could just be the wine.
Silver: It's the adrenaline. More fun than being an ass in a political thread.
Scene: Things get weirder… (and actual dialogue alert!)
Tlynn: Do you want to punish me right now?
Silver: Yes, I want to punish you right now.
Tlynn: And what if I told you that I feel the same way about being punished as you do about me touching you.
Would you still want to punish me then?
Silver: No. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't need to.
Tlynn: Why?
Silver: Tlynn, stop!
Tlynn: Why do you need to?
Silver: Because it's the way I am! Because I'm fifty shades of fucked up.
Tlynn: Show me, then. I need you to show me. What you want to do to me. Punish me! Show me how bad
it can be. I want you to show me the worst.
Tlynn: It's the only way I can understand.
[Directors’s note: The following section may be disturbing to some. If you wish to continue, please enjoy these
kittens to temporarily take you mind off the thought of Silver and Tlynn in bondage.]
[You’ve been warned]
Scene: The fun continues!
Silver: You trust me?
Tlynn: Yes.
Silver: Then let’s head to the red room. I’ll show you some real punishment.
Silver: Put this over your eyes. This will be an adventure.
Tlynn: Like pin the tail on the donkey?
Silver: Not exactly.
Tlynn: Okay, I’m ready.
Silver: Good. Now get on the bed! I’ll secure your hands.
Tlynn: Okay.
Silver: Now I’m going to read every political post I’ve made in the past year. [begins reading]
Tlynn: More! More! More!
Silver: So you like this?
Tlynn: It’s…it’s…it’s pure torture!
Carnac: I hold in my hands, the final scene…
Scene: Our star-crossed lovers find that their “tortured” lives are no longer compatible…
(What really happens is this: Silver whips her six times with a belt, making her count each time he strikes her.
She is upset and finds it far from her romantic expectations)
Silver: Please don't hate me.
Tlynn: [crying] You'll never do that to me again. I'm not what you want.
Silver: No, you're everything that I want. How about just one more whack?
Tlynn: I've fallen in love with you.
Silver: No. No, Tlynn, you can't love me. That doesn’t make any sense.
Tlynn: Well neither does the book or the movie or this crappy promo. I need you to leave. Please.
Fifty shades of relief!!
TEN! Returns May 11
You’re “bound” to love it
