WWTBAM Bored

Here's the situation. My mom, who still lives in Vegas, just passed her 80th birthday. Good for her, you say? Well, yes and no. Yes, because we love her very much and are happy to still have her around. But, her memory comes and goes. Not so much where she doesn't know who her kids are but when it comes to more subtle things like whether she's paid her rent or not. She gets her SSI check faithfully and I have been trying to persuade her to let me manage her finances so that we can rest assured that her monthly expenses are covered (she likes to gamble and sometimes loses tracks of how much she gambles away). Anyway, the long and short of it is that she has put Zero dollars away. She has zippo in the bank and lives from SSI check to SSI check (and that's the way she wants it). My problem is that I fear someday we will be faced with the situation where she can no longer take care of herself. She refuses to leave Vegas and says that all of her needs are met with all of her insurance coverage. Since she has no money saved and we do not have the money to pay for one of the places she would have to go to one day, where do elderly folks go in such a situation? I know that Assisted Living places are usually very expensive and her SSI check would not cover the monthly fee they charge. But, are there state-subsidized nursing homes that care for the elderly like this? As much as I love her I don't think she would get the best possible care living with us or any of my siblings. So, what's a child to do?

I don't have any answers for you, Sir G.

But she can't keep track of her meager finances, she lives in Vegas and she likes to gamble? Scriptwriters couldn't come up with a scarier scenario than that one.

Oy.

Start here to see if any programs might be applicable or if the state has assistance for which she might be eligible, now or in the future.

http://www.nvaging.net/

If you can talk her into it, you may try to get her power of attorney and control of her checking account, which would let you pay her bills -- and even give her some gambling money, but not more than she has.

If Nevada has a state medical assistance plan, start finding out what it would take for her to qualify, or what kinds of medical problems might provide a threshhold. There will be some kind of cross-over or hand-off between state medical assistance and Medicare, but I am clueless about how it might work in specific circumstance.

I don't know about state-assisted nursing homes. I've not heard of any, but they may exist somewhere. More likely, the state would provide a subsidy (or the total cost) for a regular assisted-living center if there were a medical reason that she could not live alone. (Dementia could be a medical reason. Forgetfulness and stubbornness might not be sufficient -- but it would be a doctor's call, and it would depend on how the regulations are written.) If she faced a sudden medical problem (i.e., heart attack or stroke) that required a full-care nursing facility, Medicare would pay most of the costs for, IIRC, up to 120 days and perhaps longer, under some circumstances.

I can't come close to giving the answers you're looking for, as the circumstances from state to state and situation to situation make a zillion differences. Alas, you may have come closer to describing what I will do to my own kids than any situation with my own mother, at least within the forseeable future.

Good luck to you. It's a tough deal, no question.

The short answer is yes, there are options in some situations.

The long answer is I have no idea of the details. My uncle lives off of SSI and has no savings or other insurance. He has recently entered a nursing home, paid for with medicare. If he is able to leave the nursing home at some point, he will either live with my parents or move into an assisted living situation. My parents aren't 100% sure yet how it will work financially, but they think his SSI should cover it. It won't cover the Ritz Carlton of assisted living centers, but it's better than nothing.

marrymeflyfree wrote:
It won't cover the Ritz Carlton of assisted living centers, but it's better than nothing.

Actually, even some rather expensive assisted-living centers may set aside a small number of units for people on public assistance. I found this out in my mother's former residence, when I made friends with a neat lady who told me her story. (She had been paralyzed in a car wreck, had no assets or income other than state assistance, but was given a small unit in the center. She previously had lived in a place that was far shabbier and was reassigned to this center by virtue of some kind of drawing. The down side was that she felt like everybody else had lots of spending money for treats and shopping, and she had virtually none.)

I had researched a few of the facilities in Vegas (and here) and was basically told the same thing. There are few and far between facilities that have provisions for Medicaid / Medicare patients with no other source of income. And, of those that do, they have wait lists that are several years long. I was curious if anyone else had a similar situation and what they were able to find out and or do. Thanks for the posts.

My grandmother (the one that I found) was living in a nursing home in NY as a ward of the state. The state took her Social Security every month to cover her expenses and gave her around $100 a month to cover clothing and incidentals.

I agree that you should try contacting the State of Nevada and see what kind of services they offer for the elderly. I would imagine that they are used to dealing with elderly people who gamble away their money and might have some thoughts about how to deal with your mother's situation.

My parents are younger than a lot of people on this Bored....

I shall now duck away to bed before I get clobbered with a barrage of canes and walkers....

lb13

littlebeast13 wrote:My parents are younger than a lot of people on this Bored....

I shall now duck away to bed before I get clobbered with a barrage of canes and walkers....

lb13

Did you say Walken?

Sirge,

My heart goes out to you, your siblings and your mom. My parents have schosen to 'self insure' (what nonsense). I did all the talking I could do years ago to have them buy long term care insurance and they would not hear of it. With my mom's developing "memory problems", we are now looking at future plans. We are fortunate that my folks have the resources to have more options.

The kick in the butt is, one day, if she lives to that point, someone will have to step in and overrule your mom's decisions. May you and your siblings do that with love and respect and tenderness and do it fully.

The sad thing is watching it happen. One day she is perfectly lucid and jovial and I can talk to her as if it was 20 years ago. The next day she calls me in despair telling me she is totally lost and doesn't know what to do and doesn't know how she will pay her bills and that she doesn't want to live any more. And the next day she is perfectly fine and jokes with me that she can't remember some things. So, I deal with it on a day-to-day basis. But, someday, I feel I won't be able to do that. And I am trying to find a solution for when that day comes.

Sir G --

Like SC, I am dealing with some senior parent issues so I am adding on a little to what she said.

1) You or a sibling must get power of attorney. I can't emphasize this enough. Do it ASAP.

Is her SSI check direct deposit? If not, make it so. Again, ASAP.

You can have ebills sent to you and pay her utilities and rent electronically from a joint bank account or a bank account that you can control.

Even before we made the decision for TLAF to move because her rowhouse steps were too much, I'd been paying the house bills electronically and getting the bills electronically.

There's less mail. She won't see something she won't know (even if it's just a utility company changing a logo, it can startle) and get panicky.

2) If there's not a state-assisted nursing home available, look into state-assisted home health care. With her limited means, she should qualify.

Since you've stated her memory comes and goes, someone could come in a couple of days a week and check on her.

Is she still about to care for herself (washing, personal hygiene and such)? If there is the SLIGHTEST indication that she is failing at that, tell the state when you apply for the home health care worker.

Many, if not most, states have different levels of personnel for different situations.

The mood swings may indicate a mild (or worse) depression. The companionship of other seniors could help.

Is there a seniors center in her area? Could be run by the church, the city or a civic organization. doesn't matter.

There could be some sort of bus service based out of the seniors center, too. To take seniors to/from meetings.

TLAF's new parish church at the Jersey Shore has short buses that take the seniors to doctor's appts, food shopping, etc., as well as the seniors meetings.

That has been a big load off TLAF's mind. She doesn't worry that I have to do everything when I am down there every couple of weeks (which helps especially with Boonie's recovery). Or take time off from work mid-week to go down there and take her to the doctor's office.

Even though our neighbors volunteer to get her groceries, she likes to get out and do some shopping herself.

The benefits are two-fold -- she doesn't feel as if she's imposing on the neighbors (even if they DID ask) and she still feels a little sense of independence.

When she didn't have that, she said she felt lost, that she overstayed her welcome on earth, etc.

One more thing -- can you or your siblings see your way free to having a cleaning service (bonded & licensed) come in once a month?

If your mom is depressed, she may not feel like cleaning. In turn, she may feel sad that the apt. isn't as nice as she's kept it in the past. That could be contributing to her feelings, too.

That's all I can think of.

You have our thoughts & prayers.

Melly

Sir_Galahad wrote: I know that Assisted Living places are usually very expensive and her SSI check would not cover the monthly fee they charge. But, are there state-subsidized nursing homes that care for the elderly like this? As much as I love her I don't think she would get the best possible care living with us or any of my siblings. So, what's a child to do?

I totally feel what you are going through Sir G! My in-laws are at this point. And...it is difficult. My FIL is in a rehab facility recovering from a broken hip, and then a stroke. He will not be able to live in his home again. Therefore, he will be going to assisted living. He hasn't been told this as of yet.

As of last night, my MIL is also in the hospital...she overtook her BP meds and was dizzy and dehydrated. She will not listen to my husband's advice, even though he has her best interest at heart, and he is very knowledgable of the system. He told them 4 years ago to get long-term health insurance so that they would be ready for any situation. They did not, and now...here we are!

They have medical insurance, but, I am afraid that they will need to sell their home to be able to go to assisted living.

There should be a group somewhere that can help with elderly parent issues. Even if its just to talk with others experiencing the same type of turmoil.

I will be keeping you and yours in my thoughts & prayers.

fuzzy

Thanks for your insights, Melly. The funny and sad thing about this is that I have a brother that actually lives in Vegas but I cannot seem to light a fire under him to get these things taken care of. So, it appears as if I am going to have to make a trip back out to LV and set all of those things up.

She lives in an apartment and cares for herself. Fortunately, my daughter checks in on her periodically just to make sure she is OK and takes her out to dinner. It seems she is suffering from periodic dementia but I do not believe she has had that formally diagnosed.

I am going to see if I can take care as many of those loose ends as I can when I go out there. I agree in that the lesser amount of things she has to concern herself with the better.

This will prolly be a short story long. My mother died in 1980. She was a receptionist at an "old folks home" ( that's what we called them back then) for about 19 years. Of course she had numerous stories to tell about parents/children---both good and bad. One thing she said and said it often to me and my sisters was "someday you will have to do something with dad and me, do it, no matter what we say, do it, you will know when it is time to do it, we won't". I won't be able to do that for her, and who knows when that time will come with my dad? My dad turns 85 next month and is in excellent health. My dad remarried in 1985 and his wife (I always call her Mary or my dad's wife--never my stepmother--it that ok?) had 8 grown children. Her health has been fading for several years. My dad has told me that Mary is no longer driving and since he drives only to the golf course, grocery store and doctor he is uncertain as to their next step in living arrangements if and when she gets worse. It is hard having them live in Arkansas, but her children are very good about seeing to any and all of her needs whenever needed---they live a tad closer than we do.

I only wish the best for those of you dealing with an elderly parent because at this point, I cannot know how you feel as I have yet to be put in that position.