Memo to the orifice behind me on the long ramp…
Posted: Sun Aug 03, 2014 4:19 pm
…feeding into the construction zone on the north edge of Wausau:
Yeah, I heard you…and three seconds on the horn would have been sufficient. Now, I am guessing that you subscribe to the theory that the sound of an auto horn magically imparts Road Wisdom unto its recipient. Please be advised that 1) my mind is already amply filled with random bits of knowledge on countless subjects and should have sent a “No Vacancy” sign back to your psyche (did you sense it?) and 2) as tempted as I was to offer up an explicit dietary suggestion to you, you probably could not have heard it anyhow…the horn, y’know. Now that we have that established, please allow me to offer you some insight into my actions:
You see, we were entering a construction zone. No, there were no workers in the zone. There was, however, a vast array of orange-and-white barrels which, although most likely not containing a drop of beer among the whole lot, still needed to be treated with the utmost of respect and deference. (Look that last word up yourself.) Given that I have no desire whatsoever to participate in any sort of Traffic Incident, I decided as I gently accelerated down the ramp to look at the impressive-looking string of cars that were all apparently heading back toward Illinois via Highway 51. It quickly became apparent that the first legitimate gap in traffic was back there a ways…so I decided to slow down so as to better facilitate a smooth merge (not that you likely know a damn thing about the word “smooth” yourself…but I digress…) Anyhow, had I lived up to your apparent expectations and hammered the gas with the apparent goal of merging into 60-mile-an-hour construction zone traffic at 85 per, one of the following three scenarios (scenarii?) would have played out:
1) Herd-like evasive action on the highway: Okay, that might look funny in the movies. I would definitely not score any points with the drivers that were tooling along to the left of that “yield” sign, though (look the word “yield” up yourself*). [*Note to my Grammar Nazi friends: I realize that I should likely have inserted the word “up” after the word “look” throughout this screed…but there is something that just seemed right about the letters u-p and y-o-u-r-s appearing in sequence here…but I seriously digress…]
2) Serious Vehicular Damage: Look. The Wisconsin Valley Fair is going on about two miles south of the scene…and I am sure they have bumper cars somewhere. If you want to see cars banging into each other, stop on down. Hell, buy yourself a ticket for the bumper cars yourownself…it would probably help to relieve your stres-STOP RIGHT THERE- never mind…you would probably go into Road Rage Mode halfway through the ride…I do not even want to think about that…
3) Jam on the brakes just before I get to the “yield” sign (look the word “yield” up yourself): Trust me, the thought of you ending up in the back of my van – regardless of the circumstances -is down near the bottom of my list of Fun Things in Life, located somewhere between being attacked by fire ants and being given a Drano enema (don’t bother looking that last one up; you might actually enjoy the research).
So, no. Which pretty much narrows it down to the action I actually took. Think of it this way: You probably saved several seconds by not having to reaccelerate from a stop – or, for that matter, even more by not having to wait…because you would likely be pinned down since you would not be able to merge in without causing one of the scenarii (scenarios?) listed above.
Have a day. Orifice.
Yeah, I heard you…and three seconds on the horn would have been sufficient. Now, I am guessing that you subscribe to the theory that the sound of an auto horn magically imparts Road Wisdom unto its recipient. Please be advised that 1) my mind is already amply filled with random bits of knowledge on countless subjects and should have sent a “No Vacancy” sign back to your psyche (did you sense it?) and 2) as tempted as I was to offer up an explicit dietary suggestion to you, you probably could not have heard it anyhow…the horn, y’know. Now that we have that established, please allow me to offer you some insight into my actions:
You see, we were entering a construction zone. No, there were no workers in the zone. There was, however, a vast array of orange-and-white barrels which, although most likely not containing a drop of beer among the whole lot, still needed to be treated with the utmost of respect and deference. (Look that last word up yourself.) Given that I have no desire whatsoever to participate in any sort of Traffic Incident, I decided as I gently accelerated down the ramp to look at the impressive-looking string of cars that were all apparently heading back toward Illinois via Highway 51. It quickly became apparent that the first legitimate gap in traffic was back there a ways…so I decided to slow down so as to better facilitate a smooth merge (not that you likely know a damn thing about the word “smooth” yourself…but I digress…) Anyhow, had I lived up to your apparent expectations and hammered the gas with the apparent goal of merging into 60-mile-an-hour construction zone traffic at 85 per, one of the following three scenarios (scenarii?) would have played out:
1) Herd-like evasive action on the highway: Okay, that might look funny in the movies. I would definitely not score any points with the drivers that were tooling along to the left of that “yield” sign, though (look the word “yield” up yourself*). [*Note to my Grammar Nazi friends: I realize that I should likely have inserted the word “up” after the word “look” throughout this screed…but there is something that just seemed right about the letters u-p and y-o-u-r-s appearing in sequence here…but I seriously digress…]
2) Serious Vehicular Damage: Look. The Wisconsin Valley Fair is going on about two miles south of the scene…and I am sure they have bumper cars somewhere. If you want to see cars banging into each other, stop on down. Hell, buy yourself a ticket for the bumper cars yourownself…it would probably help to relieve your stres-STOP RIGHT THERE- never mind…you would probably go into Road Rage Mode halfway through the ride…I do not even want to think about that…
3) Jam on the brakes just before I get to the “yield” sign (look the word “yield” up yourself): Trust me, the thought of you ending up in the back of my van – regardless of the circumstances -is down near the bottom of my list of Fun Things in Life, located somewhere between being attacked by fire ants and being given a Drano enema (don’t bother looking that last one up; you might actually enjoy the research).
So, no. Which pretty much narrows it down to the action I actually took. Think of it this way: You probably saved several seconds by not having to reaccelerate from a stop – or, for that matter, even more by not having to wait…because you would likely be pinned down since you would not be able to merge in without causing one of the scenarii (scenarios?) listed above.
Have a day. Orifice.