School thing, what do you do?

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Bixby17 · #1 Post by **Bixby17** » Mon Mar 31, 2008 11:57 am

I have to run away in a bit but I will check back.

I get a phone call at 11:15. Jackson doesn't like any of the tray lunch choices. Most days he gets tray lunch and has eaten this tray lunch before.

On Mondays, they eat their snacks in the afternoon and not the morning. So he is really really hungry, but really doesn't like the choices.

Most of the alternative choices they have involve bread. He hates bread, doesn't like the smell of it, and doesn't like to even watch people eat it.

He has issues with food. If he is hungry, he is hard to deal with. I'm sort of the same way.

So they tell me to come to school to get him something to eat. I do so.

I show up, and he is sitting by himself in the middle of the cafeteria as his class has already left. His face is red. I give him his food, and discuss with him the ways we can prevent this from happening in the future. That he was lucky I happened to be home at the time, and that I'm not going to bring him lunch every day he doesn't like lunch. If he doesn't like what is on the lunch menu, that he has to tell me early enough that we can prepare a lunch.

As I am sitting and talking with him, the vice principal who called me comes over and suggests quietly that I should leave him be so that I don't reward his behavior by sitting with him at lunch. I politely and quietly tell her that I'm not going to make him sit by himself in the middle of the cafeteria, and that we are using this time to discuss what happened and how to prevent it. That I will make sure he doesn't see it as a reward.

She doesn't say much after that and leaves.

I believe I did the right thing under the circumstances, and don't know if I need to do anything more.

PlacentiaSoccerMom · #2 Post by **PlacentiaSoccerMom** » Mon Mar 31, 2008 12:01 pm

Emma is my pickier eater. She doesn't have a problem with veggies, she dislikes certain meat products.

Before the month begins, we get a calendar of the food choices for the month from the school district. Emma goes through the menu and highlights the meals that she will eat and puts a giant X through the meals that she doesn't want. I keep the menu in my pantry so that when I am fixing lunches (I make a lunch for Maddie every day, because the lines at her school are horrendous) I know if I should make her one.

lilyvonschtupp26 · #3 Post by **lilyvonschtupp26** » Mon Mar 31, 2008 12:04 pm

Does your school put the menu on the web? Ours does, so our picky eaters know what's on the menu and opts to carry a lunch on days that they don't have something they like. If not, suggest they get it on there, to avoid situations like this.

I think you were right to stay with him. It's not bad behavior you're rewarding. Get the food in his belly that he needs to fuel for the afternoon.

PlacentiaSoccerMom · #4 Post by **PlacentiaSoccerMom** » Mon Mar 31, 2008 12:05 pm

By the way, neither of my kids would consider my sitting with them in the middle of the cafeteria a reward.

If I had to make a special trip for them, they know that there will be some sort of consequence. For instance if Emma leaves her instrument and I have to make a trip back to school to drop it off, she will have to do something for me that she wouldn't normally do. I might make her empty the dishwasher or empty the trash, jobs that aren't necessarily part of her regular chores.

MarleysGh0st · #5 Post by **MarleysGh0st** » Mon Mar 31, 2008 12:06 pm

Bixby17 wrote:I believe I did the right thing under the circumstances, and don't know if I need to do anything more.

You did nothing wrong. Clearly, the issue needed further discussion. Does the school send the week's menu home in advance? Will you need to review each day's menu with Jackson to be sure there's an acceptable choice for him?

He doesn't like bread???

Bob Juch · #6 Post by **Bob Juch** » Mon Mar 31, 2008 12:12 pm

I don't like bread either - so I drink mine.

One of the good things about living alone is that you can eat just the foods you like!

silvercamaro · #7 Post by **silvercamaro** » Mon Mar 31, 2008 12:17 pm

I have no advice. I'm sorry. My older son would simply have sweet-talked somebody out of whatever they had that he thought looked better. My younger one was adored by lunch ladies because he would eat anything and come back for seconds on boiled beets.

Appa23 · #8 Post by **Appa23** » Mon Mar 31, 2008 12:23 pm

I think everyone hit on the important things.

At our school, the menu is posted on the website, the kids bring home a printed version of the next month's menu near the end of the month, and the next week's menu is listed on the school's weekly newsletter that comes home on Fridays (in case there are changes).

Every night, we ask the kids whether they want choice A, B, or C, or cold (as they need to tell the teacher their choice.)

I know that my BW had to bring lunch to school for our son one time, but it was because the teacher made a mistake when she read off the choices, and he did not think that he liked any of the choices.

Do they ask the kids what they want for lunch in the morning? (That way, you get the call earlier, so he still can eat with his class) I can see Jackson not liking the entree, but he did not like the veggies and fruit with any of the choices?

Anyway, I also would have sat with my child, to address the problem as close to when it happened, letting him know that this was his "free one," and that you would not be doing it a second time.

a1mamacat · #9 Post by **a1mamacat** » Mon Mar 31, 2008 12:44 pm

silvercamaro wrote:I have no advice. I'm sorry. My older son would simply have sweet-talked somebody out of whatever they had that he thought looked better. My younger one was adored by lunch ladies because he would eat anything and come back for seconds on boiled beets.

Ditto for Big J. He neglected several times to take lunch with him, so he scrounged a bit here and a bit there from several classmates. He also started to pile up a stash of granola bars in his desk.

peacock2121 · #10 Post by **peacock2121** » Mon Mar 31, 2008 12:45 pm

The key part to me, was that he had eaten that tray lunch before. There was something else going on - it wasn't about the food choice. He was fine with that choice in the past, today he wasn't.

I think you were asked to come to school to bring him some food. I think they should have taken the food from you at the door and dealt with Jackson in whatever way they deal with kids who won't eat the food provided and lunch time is over.

I think even though Uday said she had no advice, she did. She knows how her sons would have dealt with it. Now, we know how Jackson did and maybe will continue to do so. This is where kids develop the skills on 'how to deal with stuff'. Is how he dealt the way you want your son to deal with stuff? If it is, cool..... case closed. If not, then you have some stuff to work on.

kayrharris · #11 Post by **kayrharris** » Mon Mar 31, 2008 1:14 pm

If he's eaten the tray lunches before, it does sound like maybe there is an underlying reason this happened. What was his reaction to your talk?

I was never called to bring lunch to my kids....I just don't think our school did that. I'll have to ask them about that. Natalie hated all school lunches, doesn't eat sandwiches and pretty much ate very little during the school day. I did get her granola bars and fruit, but that was about all she was willing to take as a "sack lunch". She would eat a really good breakfast at home and they had "snack" at 10AM, which did include choices she liked.

christie1111 · #12 Post by **christie1111** » Mon Mar 31, 2008 1:23 pm

I have never had to take a lunch into school even if they have forgotten it since they will always provide a cheese sandwich if you don't have your lunch. Obviously the bread part would be an issue.

Since he had eaten the lunch before, I think others are right in thinking there was something else going on.

My son and daughter are more like UDays kids in that my son would have negotiated to get food from others. He does very well in getting pocket change by selling his food to others somedays. I can't remember why he had a sandwich he wasn't going to eat but he split it in half and sold it for 50 cents a piece. I thought he did pretty well to get a ham and cheese sandwich to bring in a buck. When he forgot his lunch the other day he said he waited till near the end to tell the lunch ladies. They gave him the cheese sandwich and then some cookies they hadn't sold. He said it is always better to wait to the end and then you get more food.

Daughter1111 sits with the trumpet line, mostly all guys. I am sure they would have given her enough to eat between them.

Appa23 · #13 Post by **Appa23** » Mon Mar 31, 2008 1:26 pm

They still take a snack break in 2nd grade?

My poor kids lose snacks after Kindergarten.

They do allow water bottles, so that kids are not constantly asking to go the water fountain.

tlynn78 · #14 Post by **tlynn78** » Mon Mar 31, 2008 2:02 pm

Sounds like you handled it well, to me. I don't think isolating him in the lunchroom was particularly appropriate - it's just a bad idea, in my mind, to link food to punishment. Setting up long-term problems, in my book. I don't necessarily agree that having eaten the same tray before means something else is/was going on. I remember (vaguely) my three boys loving certain foods one week and refusing them (to the extent they were allowed to 'refuse') the next. Kids are mercurial, at times, and some more than others. If Jackson has food issues already, as you mentioned, it wouldn't surprise me to find he just changed his mind about whether he liked the food on that tray this week. I do think he's old enough, and certainly smart enough, to take some of the responsiblity for deciding day-to-day whether he's carrying lunch or eating there, eliminating the need for you to bring something last minute. It sounds like you addressed that with him appropriately. You were prolly nicer to the vice principal than I would have been. (not in front of my kid, of course)

t.

wbtravis007 · #15 Post by **wbtravis007** » Mon Mar 31, 2008 2:48 pm

Bixby17 wrote:I have to run away in a bit but I will check back.

I get a phone call at 11:15. Jackson doesn't like any of the tray lunch choices. Most days he gets tray lunch and has eaten this tray lunch before.

On Mondays, they eat their snacks in the afternoon and not the morning. So he is really really hungry, but really doesn't like the choices.

Most of the alternative choices they have involve bread. He hates bread, doesn't like the smell of it, and doesn't like to even watch people eat it.

He has issues with food. If he is hungry, he is hard to deal with. I'm sort of the same way.

So they tell me to come to school to get him something to eat. I do so.

I show up, and he is sitting by himself in the middle of the cafeteria as his class has already left. His face is red. I give him his food, and discuss with him the ways we can prevent this from happening in the future. That he was lucky I happened to be home at the time, and that I'm not going to bring him lunch every day he doesn't like lunch. If he doesn't like what is on the lunch menu, that he has to tell me early enough that we can prepare a lunch.

As I am sitting and talking with him, the vice principal who called me comes over and suggests quietly that I should leave him be so that I don't reward his behavior by sitting with him at lunch. I politely and quietly tell her that I'm not going to make him sit by himself in the middle of the cafeteria, and that we are using this time to discuss what happened and how to prevent it. That I will make sure he doesn't see it as a reward.

She doesn't say much after that and leaves.

I believe I did the right thing under the circumstances, and don't know if I need to do anything more.

I think what you did was fine. I think it's kind of hard to offer any advice from here. Too many variables and what not. My guess is that you handled it just right.

I think that if I was a Vice Principal I wouldn't call a parent under these circumstances. And, if I did, I wouldn't be dumb enough to go over to give instructions on how the parent ought to act.

I swannee! Some people!

Bixby17 · #16 Post by **Bixby17** » Mon Mar 31, 2008 2:52 pm

tlynn78 wrote:Sounds like you handled it well, to me. I don't think isolating him in the lunchroom was particularly appropriate - it's just a bad idea, in my mind, to link food to punishment. Setting up long-term problems, in my book. I don't necessarily agree that having eaten the same tray before means something else is/was going on. I remember (vaguely) my three boys loving certain foods one week and refusing them (to the extent they were allowed to 'refuse') the next. Kids are mercurial, at times, and some more than others. If Jackson has food issues already, as you mentioned, it wouldn't surprise me to find he just changed his mind about whether he liked the food on that tray this week. I do think he's old enough, and certainly smart enough, to take some of the responsiblity for deciding day-to-day whether he's carrying lunch or eating there, eliminating the need for you to bring something last minute. It sounds like you addressed that with him appropriately. You were prolly nicer to the vice principal than I would have been. (not in front of my kid, of course)

t.

I think this is the deal. I think he was just really hungry, and when he is really hungry, he gets completely nuts. Hard to talk to and reason with. If he is tired or if he is hungry, he gets really sensitive and and obstinent and can get really emotional.

He is completely charming when well rested and fed. And seems like a pretty regular funny kid. When he is hungry or tired, he is like a drunk person.

He tried to get the lunch lady to give him a bunch of chips and fruit, and they wouldn't give him just that. And then he dug in his heels. You can't talk to him, and it is like his brain shuts down. So the vice principal was called over.

We do get the lunch menu in advance and generally I have a good idea of what things he will or will not eat. Our problem today was that I thought he would eat the food when I checked the menu last night, but as we were about to run out the door, he mentioned what the food was and how he didn't like it. I told him to was too late to make lunch and that he had to make those decisions the night before. We've done that before, and he has eaten the lunch. But not today because he was really hungry...

As I mentioned before, we are waiting for our doctor appointment with a specialist to determine what the diagnosis is for why Jackson is a little different. In some ways, I think he is a lot more socially functioning than I was as a kid of the same age, it is just that more is expected of kids these days. The school really doesn't want to listen to our ideas for accomodating him a bit in the meantime because they don't want to really listen to us until he is reduced to a label by a physician.

He gets mostly A's and Bs, but a N for conduct. More days than not, he gets a bad mark for conduct in class. It is wearing on him, his teacher and on us. It makes him upset, and he clearly he wants to please his teacher, he just doesn't always know how.

Beebs52 · #17 Post by **Beebs52** » Mon Mar 31, 2008 2:52 pm

wbtravis007 wrote:
Bixby17 wrote:I have to run away in a bit but I will check back.

I get a phone call at 11:15. Jackson doesn't like any of the tray lunch choices. Most days he gets tray lunch and has eaten this tray lunch before.

On Mondays, they eat their snacks in the afternoon and not the morning. So he is really really hungry, but really doesn't like the choices.

Most of the alternative choices they have involve bread. He hates bread, doesn't like the smell of it, and doesn't like to even watch people eat it.

He has issues with food. If he is hungry, he is hard to deal with. I'm sort of the same way.

So they tell me to come to school to get him something to eat. I do so.

I show up, and he is sitting by himself in the middle of the cafeteria as his class has already left. His face is red. I give him his food, and discuss with him the ways we can prevent this from happening in the future. That he was lucky I happened to be home at the time, and that I'm not going to bring him lunch every day he doesn't like lunch. If he doesn't like what is on the lunch menu, that he has to tell me early enough that we can prepare a lunch.

As I am sitting and talking with him, the vice principal who called me comes over and suggests quietly that I should leave him be so that I don't reward his behavior by sitting with him at lunch. I politely and quietly tell her that I'm not going to make him sit by himself in the middle of the cafeteria, and that we are using this time to discuss what happened and how to prevent it. That I will make sure he doesn't see it as a reward.

She doesn't say much after that and leaves.

I believe I did the right thing under the circumstances, and don't know if I need to do anything more.
I think what you did was fine. I think it's kind of hard to offer any advice from here. Too many variables and what not. My guess is that you handled it just right.

I think that if I was a Vice Principal I wouldn't call a parent under these circumstances. And, if I did, I wouldn't be dumb enough to go over to give instructions on how the parent ought to act.

I swannee! Some people!

I second what WB says. It is unusual, from my experience, for a vice principal to call about such an insignificant incident. Not that I've ever had occasion to receive a phone call from school TPTB, bwahahahaa. I just crack me up...but, if I WERE to have,--oh please, I dreaded hearing certain phone calls, it wasn't about lunch choices, if you catch my drift.

I just read your response to tgirlie. I see that there was possibly more than just refusing to eat or whatever. Our youngest was a difficult younger child in school. A blurter outer, etc. etc. Some teachers could deal with it, some couldn't. He was never diagnosed as ADD, or ADHD, or anything and I would be very careful about that. You may just have to get through rough spots, well, roughly. It ain't easy sometimes.

There was OCD going on however, which I didn't know about. Younger boys are prone to it. I would make sure that isn't coming into play, only because I had NO IDEA until my son, who was in tears after coming home from middle/junior high school, told me. It explained many things and behaviors.

MarleysGh0st · #18 Post by **MarleysGh0st** » Mon Mar 31, 2008 2:59 pm

Bixby17 wrote:He gets mostly A's and Bs, but a N for conduct.

N for Normal?

Or is that the dreaded N for Nonconformist?

Beebs52 · #19 Post by **Beebs52** » Mon Mar 31, 2008 3:04 pm

MarleysGh0st wrote:
Bixby17 wrote:He gets mostly A's and Bs, but a N for conduct.
N for Normal?

Or is that the dreaded N for Nonconformist?

I think it's the dreaded "not satisfactory".

I need to add, our youngest was also academically A's and B's and very funny. Class clown in certain situations. I have a feeling Jackson has a good personality.

tlynn78 · #20 Post by **tlynn78** » Mon Mar 31, 2008 3:08 pm

second what WB says. It is unusual, from my experience, for a vice principal to call about such an insignificant incident. Not that I've ever had occasion to receive a phone call from school TPTB, bwahahahaa. I just crack me up...but, if I WERE to have,--oh please, I dreaded hearing certain phone calls, it wasn't about lunch choices, if you catch my drift

I would agree, and from what Bix has added, I wonder if, given Jackson's "history" they aren't being hyper-vigilant with him, or (hope this doesn't sound too harsh) looking for excuses to pigeon-hole him. I think a doc visit is an excellent idea - it almost sounds like a blood sugar issue to me.

I believe I did the right thing under the circumstances

I should have said in my first response, THIS is what counts. Trust your instincts. You haven't eaten any of your young yet.

t.

Beebs52 · #21 Post by **Beebs52** » Mon Mar 31, 2008 3:13 pm

tlynn78 wrote:
second what WB says. It is unusual, from my experience, for a vice principal to call about such an insignificant incident. Not that I've ever had occasion to receive a phone call from school TPTB, bwahahahaa. I just crack me up...but, if I WERE to have,--oh please, I dreaded hearing certain phone calls, it wasn't about lunch choices, if you catch my drift
I would agree, and from what Bix has added, I wonder if, given Jackson's "history" they aren't being hyper-vigilant with him, or (hope this doesn't sound too harsh) looking for excuses to pigeon-hole him. I think a doc visit is an excellent idea - it almost sounds like a blood sugar issue to me.

I believe I did the right thing under the circumstances

I should have said in my first response, THIS is what counts. Trust your instincts. You haven't eaten any of your young yet.

t.

Amen!

themanintheseersuckersuit · #22 Post by **themanintheseersuckersuit** » Mon Mar 31, 2008 3:18 pm

Bixby17 wrote: He tried to get the lunch lady to give him a bunch of chips and fruit, and they wouldn't give him just that.

Score one for the Food Police.

mrkelley23 · #23 Post by **mrkelley23** » Mon Mar 31, 2008 3:22 pm

First, I'm very disappointed in the school. If they call a parent to intervene, they should respect what that parent does, as long as it doesn't break the rules of the school.

That being said, I'm in the "there's something bigger than food going on here" side. My best friend's son (in kindergarten) is going through something similar, but it's definitely more about separation anxiety than the menu.

The biggest trouble, which in my mind is a challenge but not a flaw, is the fact that J reacts to things differently than the majority of kids. Schools don't deal well with behavior outside the mainstream, and you are correct in that they are quick to pigeonhole, as that gives them the excuse they want for special treatment.

I don't have any better advice than you've already gotten. Just remember that the school's priority is about the school functioning smoothly, no matter what they tell you about valuing every child equally. Don't be afraid to advocate for your child, but don't be a helicopter either.

Good luck.

silvercamaro · #24 Post by **silvercamaro** » Mon Mar 31, 2008 3:33 pm

From my experience and my experience only, an N in conduct often means "iNstructor of differeNt geNder who has Neither soNs or brothers." Every time one of my kids got a particularly young girly-girl teacher who seemed to be overly concerned about untidy desks, dirt tracked on the floor, and maintaining straight handwriting, she also thought sweat was "ooky" and both blood and saliva were signs of the apocalypse. At least 90 percent of the boys and up to half of the girls were going to be in trouble a lot that year. It seemed to take a bit more experience to figure out that little boys were not exactly like little girls, and perhaps all children did not work out their frustrations by talking it over softly with their dollies or kitties in their bedrooms with the door closed.

This was not true in every case, of course, as sometimes my kids were quite capable of being obnoxious. Also, their schools had a big enough assortment of teachers from markedly different families and backgrounds that conduct grades varied greatly throughout the years that conduct was recorded.

I edit -- i.e., rewrite -- because I can, and today I feel picky.

Beebs52 · #25 Post by **Beebs52** » Mon Mar 31, 2008 3:41 pm

What Sliver said, too.

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