The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA)

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wintergreen48 · #1 Post by **wintergreen48** » Fri Mar 28, 2008 9:26 am

I wish this had been in place a few months ago, I would probably still have a job...

The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA)

WASHINGTON, DC - Congress is considering sweeping legislation which will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Louisiana senator David Vitter. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over."

In a Capitol Hill press conference, the Republican and Democratic presidential contenders Senators John McCain, Barak Obama and Hillary Clinton, who have proved once again that politics makes strange bedfellows by co-sponsoring the bill, pointed to the success of the Internal Revenue Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of IRS employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons of Inability.

Private-sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%). At the state government level, the various Departments of Motor Vehicles also have a great record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle man" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNA Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Non-abled -- banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?"

"As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Michigan, due to her lack of discernible job skills. "This new law should really help people like me." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator Sam Brownback: "As a Senator With No Abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation."

peacock2121 · #2 Post by **peacock2121** » Fri Mar 28, 2008 9:47 am

Sun of a gun!

I had to read this and read this and then ask Sting to confirm that this was a joke.

Vitter got me.

TheCalvinator24 · #3 Post by **TheCalvinator24** » Fri Mar 28, 2008 10:11 am

I don't know why they took the swipe at Sen. Brownback.

Ritterskoop · #4 Post by **Ritterskoop** » Fri Mar 28, 2008 11:18 am

TheCalvinator24 wrote:I don't know why they took the swipe at Sen. Brownback.

He has a funny name.

TheConfessor · #5 Post by **TheConfessor** » Fri Mar 28, 2008 12:22 pm

Wintergreen, did the original print version of this article in USA Today include the political affiliation of Vitter and Brownback?

jarnon · #6 Post by **jarnon** » Fri Mar 28, 2008 12:51 pm

I think a large block of these people are employed answering customer service 800 calls.

tanstaafl2 · #7 Post by **tanstaafl2** » Fri Mar 28, 2008 2:10 pm

Supposedly this was first printed in the Onion (seems like their kind of work). Their website shows this article from 1998. In this version the act was passed and being signed into law.

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28982

The Onion article uses Clinton. Snopes has a version that uses Ted Kennedy in the last paragraph.

Apparently it is appropriate to use the politician of your choice. Seems reasonable, they all qualify.