Jack Webb Presents...Borednet: The LS Story
Posted: Wed Aug 01, 2012 5:45 am
Narrator: The story you are about to read is true. None of the names have been changed because no one is innocent
[voiceover] My name is Uly Friday and I’m a cop. An internet cop. . .
and this is my partner, Elwood Gannon
Uly [voiceover]: It was Tuesday, not too long ago. It was an otherwise normal day on The Bored.
Some call it An Upgraded Home for the Weary. Yeah,that Bored.
Uly: We were working day shift, cruising the main forums, mostly. The Bored was filled with the usual posts made by the usual rabble-rousers. Political posturing. Environmental name-calling. Nothing we couldn’t handle, though.
Uly [voiceover]: We got a PM about a disturbance in a birthday thread.
Typically, birthday threads were fairly lightweight. We arrived to see a BB in an usual predicament:
Uly [voiceover]: Elwood helped me get him upright.
Elwood: What's your handle, son?
LB “Blue Boy” Carver: [tracing letters in the air] You can see my name if you look hard enough.
Elwood: Come on now, what's your handle?
LB “Blue Boy” Carver: Don't you know my handle? It’s right here in my profile. I’m Blue Boy!
Uly: You're pretty high and far out. What kind of kick are you on, son?
[Uly begins to frisk LB]
LB “Blue Boy” Carver: Reality, man, reality! Yeah, I was runnin' down a dream, that never would come to me.
Workin' on a mystery, goin' wherever it leads.
Friday: He's clean, Elwood, except for these.
LB “Blue Boy” Carver: Well, I keep on thinkin' 'bout you, Sister Golden Hair surprise
And I just can't live without you; can't you see it in my eyes?
Uly: What do you think, Elwood, LSD?
Elwood: [Blue Boy appears to not be paying attention] No, those are just sugarcubes.
Probably puts it in his coffee. The real culprit is here in his posting history. Worse than LSD. It's LS.
Looks like he's getting ready to host that Lyrically Speaking we've been hearing about.
Damn, these kids, today. All right LB, you're under arrest. It's our duty to advise you of your Bored rights.
You have the right to remain silent, and any statement you make may be used against you in a political thread.
You have the right to the presence of an attorney. If you cannot afford one, just wait, one will pop up.
Do you understand that?
LB “Blue Boy” Carver: [suddenly alert] When in doubt, I whip it out. I got me a rock 'n' roll band, it's a free for all!!
Uly (voiceover): The subject was booked under Section 601 - in danger of leading an idle, dissolute,
or immoral life and conspiring to host Lyrically Speaking Fall Extravaganza.
Uly: You ever see anybody this far gone?
Elwood: Well, that last group who play TEN! were not exactly choirboys and girls.
Uly: Yeah. We probably haven't seen the last of them.
Elwood: All right, let's take him to the Central Receiving Thread.
Uly: Come on, son.
LB “Blue Boy” Carver: You're motoring. What's your price for flight? And finding Mister Right?
You'll be all right tonight.
Uly: Yeah, we know. Come on. It must be hell to have all those awful songs in your head.
LB “Blue Boy” Carver: Making believe this is what you've conceived from your worst day.
Moving in line when you look back in time, to your first day.
[LB tries to log out Uly, and Elwood works to subdue him]
Elwood: All right, come on LB, settle down!
LB “Blue Boy” Carver: Can you hear me, Major Tom? Can you hear me Major Tom?
Planet Earth is blue and there's nothing I can do.
Uly: Yeah, sure kid. And so are you. Let's go back to the main forum before it's too late.
We'll all sing along.
LB “Blue Boy” Carver: Hey ! Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me. In the jingle jangle
morning I'll come followin' you.
Elwood: Damn, we're too late. He's been Shatnerized.
Uly: When will these kids, today, ever learn? It's a known fact that LS takes you from here:
To here:
Elwood: I can think of TEN! Things more fun than taking LS.
Uly: Me too. But what do we know, we're just cops. How about we call some chicks and blow this place.
Elwood: We'll head to the strip. It gets really lively after TEN!
Uly: Let's go.
A Bored favorite returns September TEN!th.
Those are just the facts, ma'am
[voiceover] My name is Uly Friday and I’m a cop. An internet cop. . .
and this is my partner, Elwood Gannon
Uly [voiceover]: It was Tuesday, not too long ago. It was an otherwise normal day on The Bored.
Some call it An Upgraded Home for the Weary. Yeah,that Bored.
Uly: We were working day shift, cruising the main forums, mostly. The Bored was filled with the usual posts made by the usual rabble-rousers. Political posturing. Environmental name-calling. Nothing we couldn’t handle, though.
Uly [voiceover]: We got a PM about a disturbance in a birthday thread.
Typically, birthday threads were fairly lightweight. We arrived to see a BB in an usual predicament:
Uly [voiceover]: Elwood helped me get him upright.
Elwood: What's your handle, son?
LB “Blue Boy” Carver: [tracing letters in the air] You can see my name if you look hard enough.
Elwood: Come on now, what's your handle?
LB “Blue Boy” Carver: Don't you know my handle? It’s right here in my profile. I’m Blue Boy!
Uly: You're pretty high and far out. What kind of kick are you on, son?
[Uly begins to frisk LB]
LB “Blue Boy” Carver: Reality, man, reality! Yeah, I was runnin' down a dream, that never would come to me.
Workin' on a mystery, goin' wherever it leads.
Friday: He's clean, Elwood, except for these.
LB “Blue Boy” Carver: Well, I keep on thinkin' 'bout you, Sister Golden Hair surprise
And I just can't live without you; can't you see it in my eyes?
Uly: What do you think, Elwood, LSD?
Elwood: [Blue Boy appears to not be paying attention] No, those are just sugarcubes.
Probably puts it in his coffee. The real culprit is here in his posting history. Worse than LSD. It's LS.
Looks like he's getting ready to host that Lyrically Speaking we've been hearing about.
Damn, these kids, today. All right LB, you're under arrest. It's our duty to advise you of your Bored rights.
You have the right to remain silent, and any statement you make may be used against you in a political thread.
You have the right to the presence of an attorney. If you cannot afford one, just wait, one will pop up.
Do you understand that?
LB “Blue Boy” Carver: [suddenly alert] When in doubt, I whip it out. I got me a rock 'n' roll band, it's a free for all!!
Uly (voiceover): The subject was booked under Section 601 - in danger of leading an idle, dissolute,
or immoral life and conspiring to host Lyrically Speaking Fall Extravaganza.
Uly: You ever see anybody this far gone?
Elwood: Well, that last group who play TEN! were not exactly choirboys and girls.
Uly: Yeah. We probably haven't seen the last of them.
Elwood: All right, let's take him to the Central Receiving Thread.
Uly: Come on, son.
LB “Blue Boy” Carver: You're motoring. What's your price for flight? And finding Mister Right?
You'll be all right tonight.
Uly: Yeah, we know. Come on. It must be hell to have all those awful songs in your head.
LB “Blue Boy” Carver: Making believe this is what you've conceived from your worst day.
Moving in line when you look back in time, to your first day.
[LB tries to log out Uly, and Elwood works to subdue him]
Elwood: All right, come on LB, settle down!
LB “Blue Boy” Carver: Can you hear me, Major Tom? Can you hear me Major Tom?
Planet Earth is blue and there's nothing I can do.
Uly: Yeah, sure kid. And so are you. Let's go back to the main forum before it's too late.
We'll all sing along.
LB “Blue Boy” Carver: Hey ! Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me. In the jingle jangle
morning I'll come followin' you.
Elwood: Damn, we're too late. He's been Shatnerized.
Uly: When will these kids, today, ever learn? It's a known fact that LS takes you from here:
To here:
Elwood: I can think of TEN! Things more fun than taking LS.
Uly: Me too. But what do we know, we're just cops. How about we call some chicks and blow this place.
Elwood: We'll head to the strip. It gets really lively after TEN!
Uly: Let's go.
A Bored favorite returns September TEN!th.
Those are just the facts, ma'am