Tim Burton Presents. . .Ulyjuice
Posted: Wed Jun 09, 2010 8:35 am
Scene: Fanny and Elwood, moderators of a piece of cyberspace known as The Bored,
accidentally get “logged off” while in an internet chat room. Without supervision, The Bored quickly
becomes a hotbed of political bickering. Elwood has a whole month of Lyrically Speaking ready to go
but can’t post it. BBs leave by the dozens until no one is left. Months pass.
[Fanny and Elwood struggle to understand the "Handbook for the Recently Logged Out"]
Fanny: I hate this. Just- can you give me the basics?
Elwood: Well, this book isn't arranged that way. What do you wanna know?
Fanny: Well, why did you disappear when you left the forum? Are we halfway to heaven?
Are we halfway to hell? And...why are my fingers on fire?
Elwood: I don't see anything about heaven OR hell. This book reads like a Wintergreen post.
Listen to this: "Geographical and temporal parameters. Functional parameters vary from portal to portal.
[Snaps book shut]
Elwood: Oh, this is gonna take some time, honey.
Scene: A snobbish couple, Kiki and Ear, wish to resurrect The Bored and turn it a message board
for squirrel lovers
Kiki: It’s perfect, dear Ear. We’ll have a forum for ‘Ask the Squirrel Expert’ over there, we’ll post open
the squirrel photo album in that old thread.
Ear: Don’t forget the squirrel avatars.
Kiki: Of course not. They can go right over. . .there. Oh, you have something on your face.
Ear: What is it?
Kiki: Chocolate, I think. Or maybe tuna.
Scene: Faced with dilemma of their old Bored turning into a squirrel forum, Fanny and Elwood plan their future
Fanny: Is this a punishment or something? What are we gonna do?
Elwood: We're not completely helpless, Fanny. I've been reading that book and there's a word for
people in our situation: cyberghosts.
Elwood: It’s time to put a scare into our squirrel-loving friends
Scene: They turn into Merrymen and meet Kiki and Ear’s young daughter, Beebs
Elwood: You can see we’re not really merrymen?
Beebs: Of course I can see that.
Elwood: Well, how is it you see us and nobody else can?
Beebs: Well, I've read through that handbook for the recently logged out.
It says: 'live people ignore the strange and unusual and whacked'. I, myself, am strange
and unusual. And whacked, of course.
Fanny: You look like a regular girl to me.
Beebs: If only you knew. So, anyway, what do you really look like?
Fanny: Aren't you scared?
Beebs: I'm not scared of merrymen. Are you gross under there? Are you really a couple
of those Bored lawyers I’ve heard so much about? The ones that bicker all the time?
Elwood: Certainly not. We are, or were, dignified Nuggets fans.
Beebs: What’s a Nugget?
Elwood: Never mind.
Fanny: You know, if I had seen a merryman at your age I would have been scared out of my wits.
Beebs: If only you knew
Scene: Elwood and Fanny discover a “cyber-exorcist” named Ulyjuice who says
he can get rid of the new owners
Scene: Beebs shows her parents and others the abandoned chat room where Elwood
and Fanny reside
Kiki: They're in there? They must live like animals.
Ear: It's locked. How'd they get in?
Kiki: [tries to get into chat room] Open this forum, you logged out BBs, or we'll bust it down
and we'll drag you out by the ropes you hang yourselves with!
Beebs: Shh! They didn't commit suicide. They were just logged out.
Kiki: It doesn't matter. Beebs, I have a chance to teach you something here: you have
got to take the upper hand in all situations or people, whether they're dead, alive or
merrymen, will walk all over you.
Scene: After another failed attempt at scaring off the new owners, Elwood and
Fanny make an important decision.
Elwood: What's the good of being a merryman if you can't frighten people away.
At this rate, I’ll never host Lyrically Speaking in July
Fanny: Maybe we should try that Uly guy.
Elwood: How do we get him?
Fanny: Just say his name three times.
Elwood: I guess we have no choice.
Fanny: Ulyjuice. Ulyjuice. Ulyjuice.
Ulyjuice: It’s showtime!
Ulyjuice: You want to get somebody out of your house. I want to get somebody out of your house.
Elwood: Can you be scary?
Ulyjuice: Oh, I know what you're asking me. Can I be scary. What do you think of this?
Ulyjuice: You like it?
Elwood: Oh my God, that is beyond scary.
Fanny: Please, make it go away.
Scene: Elwood and Fanny interview Ulyjuice
Elwood: What are your qualifications?
Ulyjuice: Ah, well... I attended Cal Tech... I'm a graduate of the UCLA Business School.
I travel quite extensively. I lived through Black Tuesday way back when and had a pretty
good time during that. I've read the Global Warming thread about 167 times, and it keeps
getting funnier every single time I read it! Not to mention the fact that you're talking to a
dead guy! Now what do you think?! You think I'm "qualified"?
Scene: Ulyjuice talks with his newest friends, tanstaafl and Littlehead13
Ulyjuice: So, lh13, can I call you that? Sure. Hey, Elwood wants to bring back
Lyrically Speaking in July. You’re cool with that, right? I know you host that winter
lyrical thing and I know how jealous you get.
Ulyjuice: So just shake or nod. Whatever.
Ulyjuice: Let me guess: cats got your tongue. Well, I’ll take that as a yes
Scene: Ulyjuice convinces Kiki and Ear to return the Bored to its original design
where Lyrically Speaking, politics (and squirrels) peacefully coexist. Somehow.
Elwoodblues hosts July Lyrically Speaking
Not bad for a “logged out” guy
accidentally get “logged off” while in an internet chat room. Without supervision, The Bored quickly
becomes a hotbed of political bickering. Elwood has a whole month of Lyrically Speaking ready to go
but can’t post it. BBs leave by the dozens until no one is left. Months pass.
[Fanny and Elwood struggle to understand the "Handbook for the Recently Logged Out"]
Fanny: I hate this. Just- can you give me the basics?
Elwood: Well, this book isn't arranged that way. What do you wanna know?
Fanny: Well, why did you disappear when you left the forum? Are we halfway to heaven?
Are we halfway to hell? And...why are my fingers on fire?
Elwood: I don't see anything about heaven OR hell. This book reads like a Wintergreen post.
Listen to this: "Geographical and temporal parameters. Functional parameters vary from portal to portal.
[Snaps book shut]
Elwood: Oh, this is gonna take some time, honey.
Scene: A snobbish couple, Kiki and Ear, wish to resurrect The Bored and turn it a message board
for squirrel lovers
Kiki: It’s perfect, dear Ear. We’ll have a forum for ‘Ask the Squirrel Expert’ over there, we’ll post open
the squirrel photo album in that old thread.
Ear: Don’t forget the squirrel avatars.
Kiki: Of course not. They can go right over. . .there. Oh, you have something on your face.
Ear: What is it?
Kiki: Chocolate, I think. Or maybe tuna.
Scene: Faced with dilemma of their old Bored turning into a squirrel forum, Fanny and Elwood plan their future
Fanny: Is this a punishment or something? What are we gonna do?
Elwood: We're not completely helpless, Fanny. I've been reading that book and there's a word for
people in our situation: cyberghosts.
Elwood: It’s time to put a scare into our squirrel-loving friends
Scene: They turn into Merrymen and meet Kiki and Ear’s young daughter, Beebs
Elwood: You can see we’re not really merrymen?
Beebs: Of course I can see that.
Elwood: Well, how is it you see us and nobody else can?
Beebs: Well, I've read through that handbook for the recently logged out.
It says: 'live people ignore the strange and unusual and whacked'. I, myself, am strange
and unusual. And whacked, of course.
Fanny: You look like a regular girl to me.
Beebs: If only you knew. So, anyway, what do you really look like?
Fanny: Aren't you scared?
Beebs: I'm not scared of merrymen. Are you gross under there? Are you really a couple
of those Bored lawyers I’ve heard so much about? The ones that bicker all the time?
Elwood: Certainly not. We are, or were, dignified Nuggets fans.
Beebs: What’s a Nugget?
Elwood: Never mind.
Fanny: You know, if I had seen a merryman at your age I would have been scared out of my wits.
Beebs: If only you knew
Scene: Elwood and Fanny discover a “cyber-exorcist” named Ulyjuice who says
he can get rid of the new owners
Scene: Beebs shows her parents and others the abandoned chat room where Elwood
and Fanny reside
Kiki: They're in there? They must live like animals.
Ear: It's locked. How'd they get in?
Kiki: [tries to get into chat room] Open this forum, you logged out BBs, or we'll bust it down
and we'll drag you out by the ropes you hang yourselves with!
Beebs: Shh! They didn't commit suicide. They were just logged out.
Kiki: It doesn't matter. Beebs, I have a chance to teach you something here: you have
got to take the upper hand in all situations or people, whether they're dead, alive or
merrymen, will walk all over you.
Scene: After another failed attempt at scaring off the new owners, Elwood and
Fanny make an important decision.
Elwood: What's the good of being a merryman if you can't frighten people away.
At this rate, I’ll never host Lyrically Speaking in July
Fanny: Maybe we should try that Uly guy.
Elwood: How do we get him?
Fanny: Just say his name three times.
Elwood: I guess we have no choice.
Fanny: Ulyjuice. Ulyjuice. Ulyjuice.
Ulyjuice: It’s showtime!
Ulyjuice: You want to get somebody out of your house. I want to get somebody out of your house.
Elwood: Can you be scary?
Ulyjuice: Oh, I know what you're asking me. Can I be scary. What do you think of this?
Ulyjuice: You like it?
Elwood: Oh my God, that is beyond scary.
Fanny: Please, make it go away.
Scene: Elwood and Fanny interview Ulyjuice
Elwood: What are your qualifications?
Ulyjuice: Ah, well... I attended Cal Tech... I'm a graduate of the UCLA Business School.
I travel quite extensively. I lived through Black Tuesday way back when and had a pretty
good time during that. I've read the Global Warming thread about 167 times, and it keeps
getting funnier every single time I read it! Not to mention the fact that you're talking to a
dead guy! Now what do you think?! You think I'm "qualified"?
Scene: Ulyjuice talks with his newest friends, tanstaafl and Littlehead13
Ulyjuice: So, lh13, can I call you that? Sure. Hey, Elwood wants to bring back
Lyrically Speaking in July. You’re cool with that, right? I know you host that winter
lyrical thing and I know how jealous you get.
Ulyjuice: So just shake or nod. Whatever.
Ulyjuice: Let me guess: cats got your tongue. Well, I’ll take that as a yes
Scene: Ulyjuice convinces Kiki and Ear to return the Bored to its original design
where Lyrically Speaking, politics (and squirrels) peacefully coexist. Somehow.
Elwoodblues hosts July Lyrically Speaking
Not bad for a “logged out” guy
