Frank Capra Presents...It's A Wonderful Bored
Posted: Tue Dec 15, 2009 7:23 am
Scene: Uly Bailey, grief-stricken after his beloved USC Trojans lose 73-0 to the Idaho Vandals in the EvilSquirrel.com Bowl,
decides to permanently log off The Bored, and perhaps life.
Before going through with it, he is visited by Marley, a cyberangel still looking to earn his wings
Marley: You've been given a great gift, Uly: A chance to see what The Bored and some of the BBs would be like without you.
Uly: This isn’t right. This Bored has no interface, no pictures, no avatars. Why this is nothing but a crappy Yahoo board.
Marley: That’s right, Uly. The Bored you knew and loved never existed.
Uly: But where are all the BBs? We had hundreds of them. Thousands if you count merry men.
Marley: Remember that sledding accident when you were ten?
Uly: Yes, I rescued my neighbor Bobby after he went through the ice on a pond.
Marley: That boy was Bob Juch and you never rescued him, Uly. Nobody rescued him.
Because of that, the population of the US went down significantly. Who knew half the BBs were related to him?
Scene: Uly visits the hangout of an old friend
Uly: Wait a minute, who’s that? Tha-, that’s my old friend Fanny. Why, she nothing but a, but a…
Marley: That’s right. A tattooed whore.
Uly: But what happened. I remember her looking like this:
Marley: You didn’t meet Fanny on The Bored, Uly. Instead, she stayed too long in Fayetteville, NC and the rest is, well, the rest is clear.
Scene: Uly visits another old friend
Uly: BobNumbers! I’m so glad to see you.
BobNumbers: Do I know you, sir?
Uly: BobNumbers, it’s me, Uly. Hey, Marley, this dude is some kind of phone-a-friend.
BobNumbers: Phone-a-what? I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about and I certainly don’t know anyone named Uly. Now if you’ll excuse me…
Uly: [to Marley] But he’s BobNumbers, the most prolific phone-a-friend there ever was. He must have volunteered a hundred times. He…
Marley: BobNumbers never found The Bored, Uly. He never volunteered his services. Never shamelessly posted his accomplishments. He’s J-A-L. Just another lawyer.
Scene: Confused and needing a drink, Uly heads into the Indian Club
Uly: Barkeep, I’d like a Fukola. Make it a double.
Barkeep: A what?
Uly: A Fukola. And keep ‘em comin’
[A bar patron grabs him by the arm]
Patron: Listen, pal. I don’t where you’re from. But there’s no such thing as Fukola in these parts. Have a whiskey instead.
Uly: But I’ve had Fukola before. It’s my favorite drink.
Patron: Are you calling me a lier?
Uly: No Fukola! What kind of nightmare is this?
Scene: Still confused, Uly wanders aimlessly through cyberspace, but none of the sites are familiar.
Uly: Marley, I need to see the Weekly Rankings. Can you at least show me those?
Marley: I’m sorry, that’s not possible.
Uly: But how will we know who’s green this week?
Marley: You won’t. That young man you met in Walmart a few years back, the one who showed you his evil squirrel drawings. Do you remember him?
Uly: Yes, they were wonderful squirrel drawings. He was quite talented. I told him he should draw pictures, avatars and tattoos for all the BBs. For free.
Marley: That conversation never took place.
Uly: What do you mean? He’s hosting Winter Lyrically Speaking starting in January.
Marley: [shaking his head] Since you never met him he decided to apply his art to something meaningful and not completely waste his time and talent
on his so-called internet friends. He’s now a successful artist in the Midwest with season tickets to the Cardinals.
Uly: So no rankings?
Marley: Uly, there is no notebook boy. There have been no merry man parades. And certainly no Winter Lyrically Speaking.
Uly: No Winter Lyrically Speaking?
Scene: Uly and Marley together
Uly: Where are my avatars? I always carry them with me.
Marley: You have no need for them, Uly. No place to download them.
Uly: But I had a stack of them this wide at one time.
Marley: You never stole that copy of Photoshop from your friend, either. I’m afraid you are not the Purveyor of Avatars.
Uly: NO AVATARS!!!!!11
Marley: You see Uly, it really is a wonderful Bored. Don't you understand what a mistake it would be to log off forever?
Scene: Uly returns to the place where his nightmare began, hoping to bring back his old life
Uly: [praying] Marley! Marley! Help me, Marley! Get me back! Get me back, I don't care what happens to me! Get me back to my BBs and the Bored! Help me Marley, please! Please! I wanna post again. Please, God, let me have my avatars and play Winter Lyrically Speaking.
He fights to get back...
And then...
BobNumbers: [shouts] Hey, Uly! Uly! You all right? Hey, what's the matter?
Uly: Now get outta here, BobNumbers. GET OUTTA HERE!
BobNumbers: What the sam hill you usin’ all caps for, Uly?
Uly: You...and you...and you?
[suddenly stunned]
Uly: BobNumbers? Do you know me?
BobNumbers: Know you? Huh. You kiddin'? I've been looking all over the internet trying to find you, Uly. I didn’t see you in chat and I thought maybe you - hey, your avatar’s not lookin’ too good. Are you sure you're all right?
Uly: What the...
[checks his squirrel avatar]
Uly: Ha, ha, ha, ha! My avatar’s back, BobNumbers! My avatar’s back!
Uly: [checks his pocket and sees all his avatars] There they are! BobNumbers, what do you know about that! Merry Christmas!
Scene: Uly returns to The Bored and is greeted by some of his BBs
Annie: Look, Uly. Teacher says, every time I draw an avatar a cyberangel gets his wings.
Uly: That's right, that's right.
Uly: [looking up] Attaboy, Marley.
decides to permanently log off The Bored, and perhaps life.
Before going through with it, he is visited by Marley, a cyberangel still looking to earn his wings
Marley: You've been given a great gift, Uly: A chance to see what The Bored and some of the BBs would be like without you.
Uly: This isn’t right. This Bored has no interface, no pictures, no avatars. Why this is nothing but a crappy Yahoo board.
Marley: That’s right, Uly. The Bored you knew and loved never existed.
Uly: But where are all the BBs? We had hundreds of them. Thousands if you count merry men.
Marley: Remember that sledding accident when you were ten?
Uly: Yes, I rescued my neighbor Bobby after he went through the ice on a pond.
Marley: That boy was Bob Juch and you never rescued him, Uly. Nobody rescued him.
Because of that, the population of the US went down significantly. Who knew half the BBs were related to him?
Scene: Uly visits the hangout of an old friend
Uly: Wait a minute, who’s that? Tha-, that’s my old friend Fanny. Why, she nothing but a, but a…
Marley: That’s right. A tattooed whore.
Uly: But what happened. I remember her looking like this:
Marley: You didn’t meet Fanny on The Bored, Uly. Instead, she stayed too long in Fayetteville, NC and the rest is, well, the rest is clear.
Scene: Uly visits another old friend
Uly: BobNumbers! I’m so glad to see you.
BobNumbers: Do I know you, sir?
Uly: BobNumbers, it’s me, Uly. Hey, Marley, this dude is some kind of phone-a-friend.
BobNumbers: Phone-a-what? I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about and I certainly don’t know anyone named Uly. Now if you’ll excuse me…
Uly: [to Marley] But he’s BobNumbers, the most prolific phone-a-friend there ever was. He must have volunteered a hundred times. He…
Marley: BobNumbers never found The Bored, Uly. He never volunteered his services. Never shamelessly posted his accomplishments. He’s J-A-L. Just another lawyer.
Scene: Confused and needing a drink, Uly heads into the Indian Club
Uly: Barkeep, I’d like a Fukola. Make it a double.
Barkeep: A what?
Uly: A Fukola. And keep ‘em comin’
[A bar patron grabs him by the arm]
Patron: Listen, pal. I don’t where you’re from. But there’s no such thing as Fukola in these parts. Have a whiskey instead.
Uly: But I’ve had Fukola before. It’s my favorite drink.
Patron: Are you calling me a lier?
Uly: No Fukola! What kind of nightmare is this?
Scene: Still confused, Uly wanders aimlessly through cyberspace, but none of the sites are familiar.
Uly: Marley, I need to see the Weekly Rankings. Can you at least show me those?
Marley: I’m sorry, that’s not possible.
Uly: But how will we know who’s green this week?
Marley: You won’t. That young man you met in Walmart a few years back, the one who showed you his evil squirrel drawings. Do you remember him?
Uly: Yes, they were wonderful squirrel drawings. He was quite talented. I told him he should draw pictures, avatars and tattoos for all the BBs. For free.
Marley: That conversation never took place.
Uly: What do you mean? He’s hosting Winter Lyrically Speaking starting in January.
Marley: [shaking his head] Since you never met him he decided to apply his art to something meaningful and not completely waste his time and talent
on his so-called internet friends. He’s now a successful artist in the Midwest with season tickets to the Cardinals.
Uly: So no rankings?
Marley: Uly, there is no notebook boy. There have been no merry man parades. And certainly no Winter Lyrically Speaking.
Uly: No Winter Lyrically Speaking?
Scene: Uly and Marley together
Uly: Where are my avatars? I always carry them with me.
Marley: You have no need for them, Uly. No place to download them.
Uly: But I had a stack of them this wide at one time.
Marley: You never stole that copy of Photoshop from your friend, either. I’m afraid you are not the Purveyor of Avatars.
Uly: NO AVATARS!!!!!11
Marley: You see Uly, it really is a wonderful Bored. Don't you understand what a mistake it would be to log off forever?
Scene: Uly returns to the place where his nightmare began, hoping to bring back his old life
Uly: [praying] Marley! Marley! Help me, Marley! Get me back! Get me back, I don't care what happens to me! Get me back to my BBs and the Bored! Help me Marley, please! Please! I wanna post again. Please, God, let me have my avatars and play Winter Lyrically Speaking.
He fights to get back...
And then...
BobNumbers: [shouts] Hey, Uly! Uly! You all right? Hey, what's the matter?
Uly: Now get outta here, BobNumbers. GET OUTTA HERE!
BobNumbers: What the sam hill you usin’ all caps for, Uly?
Uly: You...and you...and you?
[suddenly stunned]
Uly: BobNumbers? Do you know me?
BobNumbers: Know you? Huh. You kiddin'? I've been looking all over the internet trying to find you, Uly. I didn’t see you in chat and I thought maybe you - hey, your avatar’s not lookin’ too good. Are you sure you're all right?
Uly: What the...
[checks his squirrel avatar]
Uly: Ha, ha, ha, ha! My avatar’s back, BobNumbers! My avatar’s back!
Uly: [checks his pocket and sees all his avatars] There they are! BobNumbers, what do you know about that! Merry Christmas!
Scene: Uly returns to The Bored and is greeted by some of his BBs
Annie: Look, Uly. Teacher says, every time I draw an avatar a cyberangel gets his wings.
Uly: That's right, that's right.
Uly: [looking up] Attaboy, Marley.
