Frank Capra Presents...It's A Wonderful Bored

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Frank Capra · #1 Post by **Frank Capra** » Tue Dec 15, 2009 7:23 am

Scene: Uly Bailey, grief-stricken after his beloved USC Trojans lose 73-0 to the Idaho Vandals in the EvilSquirrel.com Bowl,
decides to permanently log off The Bored, and perhaps life.

Before going through with it, he is visited by Marley, a cyberangel still looking to earn his wings

Marley: You've been given a great gift, Uly: A chance to see what The Bored and some of the BBs would be like without you.

Uly: This isn’t right. This Bored has no interface, no pictures, no avatars. Why this is nothing but a crappy Yahoo board.

Marley: That’s right, Uly. The Bored you knew and loved never existed.

Uly: But where are all the BBs? We had hundreds of them. Thousands if you count merry men.

Marley: Remember that sledding accident when you were ten?

Uly: Yes, I rescued my neighbor Bobby after he went through the ice on a pond.

Marley: That boy was Bob Juch and you never rescued him, Uly. Nobody rescued him.
Because of that, the population of the US went down significantly. Who knew half the BBs were related to him?

Scene: Uly visits the hangout of an old friend

Uly: Wait a minute, who’s that? Tha-, that’s my old friend Fanny. Why, she nothing but a, but a…

Marley: That’s right. A tattooed whore.

Uly: But what happened. I remember her looking like this:

Marley: You didn’t meet Fanny on The Bored, Uly. Instead, she stayed too long in Fayetteville, NC and the rest is, well, the rest is clear.

Scene: Uly visits another old friend

Uly: BobNumbers! I’m so glad to see you.

BobNumbers: Do I know you, sir?

Uly: BobNumbers, it’s me, Uly. Hey, Marley, this dude is some kind of phone-a-friend.

BobNumbers: Phone-a-what? I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about and I certainly don’t know anyone named Uly. Now if you’ll excuse me…

Uly: [to Marley] But he’s BobNumbers, the most prolific phone-a-friend there ever was. He must have volunteered a hundred times. He…

Marley: BobNumbers never found The Bored, Uly. He never volunteered his services. Never shamelessly posted his accomplishments. He’s J-A-L. Just another lawyer.

Scene: Confused and needing a drink, Uly heads into the Indian Club

Uly: Barkeep, I’d like a Fukola. Make it a double.

Barkeep: A what?

Uly: A Fukola. And keep ‘em comin’

[A bar patron grabs him by the arm]

Patron: Listen, pal. I don’t where you’re from. But there’s no such thing as Fukola in these parts. Have a whiskey instead.

Uly: But I’ve had Fukola before. It’s my favorite drink.

Patron: Are you calling me a lier?

Uly: No Fukola! What kind of nightmare is this?

Scene: Still confused, Uly wanders aimlessly through cyberspace, but none of the sites are familiar.

Uly: Marley, I need to see the Weekly Rankings. Can you at least show me those?

Marley: I’m sorry, that’s not possible.

Uly: But how will we know who’s green this week?

Marley: You won’t. That young man you met in Walmart a few years back, the one who showed you his evil squirrel drawings. Do you remember him?

Uly: Yes, they were wonderful squirrel drawings. He was quite talented. I told him he should draw pictures, avatars and tattoos for all the BBs. For free.

Marley: That conversation never took place.

Uly: What do you mean? He’s hosting Winter Lyrically Speaking starting in January.

Marley: [shaking his head] Since you never met him he decided to apply his art to something meaningful and not completely waste his time and talent
on his so-called internet friends. He’s now a successful artist in the Midwest with season tickets to the Cardinals.

Uly: So no rankings?

Marley: Uly, there is no notebook boy. There have been no merry man parades. And certainly no Winter Lyrically Speaking.

Uly: No Winter Lyrically Speaking?

Scene: Uly and Marley together

Uly: Where are my avatars? I always carry them with me.

Marley: You have no need for them, Uly. No place to download them.

Uly: But I had a stack of them this wide at one time.

Marley: You never stole that copy of Photoshop from your friend, either. I’m afraid you are not the Purveyor of Avatars.

Uly: NO AVATARS!!!!!11

Marley: You see Uly, it really is a wonderful Bored. Don't you understand what a mistake it would be to log off forever?

Scene: Uly returns to the place where his nightmare began, hoping to bring back his old life

Uly: [praying] Marley! Marley! Help me, Marley! Get me back! Get me back, I don't care what happens to me! Get me back to my BBs and the Bored! Help me Marley, please! Please! I wanna post again. Please, God, let me have my avatars and play Winter Lyrically Speaking.

He fights to get back...

And then...

BobNumbers: [shouts] Hey, Uly! Uly! You all right? Hey, what's the matter?

Uly: Now get outta here, BobNumbers. GET OUTTA HERE!

BobNumbers: What the sam hill you usin’ all caps for, Uly?

Uly: You...and you...and you?
[suddenly stunned]

Uly: BobNumbers? Do you know me?

BobNumbers: Know you? Huh. You kiddin'? I've been looking all over the internet trying to find you, Uly. I didn’t see you in chat and I thought maybe you - hey, your avatar’s not lookin’ too good. Are you sure you're all right?

Uly: What the...
[checks his squirrel avatar]

Uly: Ha, ha, ha, ha! My avatar’s back, BobNumbers! My avatar’s back!

Uly: [checks his pocket and sees all his avatars] There they are! BobNumbers, what do you know about that! Merry Christmas!

Scene: Uly returns to The Bored and is greeted by some of his BBs

Annie: Look, Uly. Teacher says, every time I draw an avatar a cyberangel gets his wings.

Uly: That's right, that's right.

Uly: [looking up] Attaboy, Marley.

MarleysGh0st · #2 Post by **MarleysGh0st** » Tue Dec 15, 2009 7:33 am

Frank Capra wrote:Annie: Look, Uly. Teacher says, every time I draw an avatar a cyberangel gets his wings.

Uly: That's right, that's right.

Uly: [looking up] Attaboy, Marley.

Woo hoo!

Can I use those wings to fly to the Hot Seat, now?

Beebs52 · #3 Post by **Beebs52** » Tue Dec 15, 2009 7:37 am

I think this is the best one yet. Oh my.

Where are my avatars? I always carry them with me and Marley gets his wings!

#4 Post by **littlebeast13** » Tue Dec 15, 2009 7:49 am

While I admit to being the only person left on earth who has never seen this movie, I have seen it parodied enough to know what it's about..........

This is by far the best one I have ever seen...... hell, one of the best parodies of anything I have ever seen!!!!

Thank you uly for keeping me from becoming successful and having to watch the Cardinals play 81 times a year.....

lb13

MarleysGh0st · #5 Post by **MarleysGh0st** » Tue Dec 15, 2009 7:52 am

littlebeast13 wrote:While I admit to being the only person left on earth who has never seen this movie, I have seen it parodied enough to know what it's about..........

What!?!?!?

Beast, beast, beast...I know you never go anywhere or do anything, but you've got to sit down and watch this movie. Really.

#6 Post by **littlebeast13** » Tue Dec 15, 2009 7:54 am

MarleysGh0st wrote:
littlebeast13 wrote:While I admit to being the only person left on earth who has never seen this movie, I have seen it parodied enough to know what it's about..........
What!?!?!?

Beast, beast, beast...I know you never go anywhere or do anything, but you've got to sit down and watch this movie. Really.

If I do that, then I'll probably have to watch A Christmas Story too......

lb13

ulysses5019 · #7 Post by **ulysses5019** » Tue Dec 15, 2009 8:00 am

Marley: [shaking his head] Since you never met him he decided to apply his art to something meaningful and not completely waste his time and talent
on his so-called internet friends. He’s now a successful artist in the Midwest with season tickets to the Cardinals.

Are you sure he didn't have a hand doing the tattooed whore?

MarleysGh0st · #8 Post by **MarleysGh0st** » Tue Dec 15, 2009 8:05 am

littlebeast13 wrote:
MarleysGh0st wrote:
littlebeast13 wrote:While I admit to being the only person left on earth who has never seen this movie, I have seen it parodied enough to know what it's about..........
What!?!?!?

Beast, beast, beast...I know you never go anywhere or do anything, but you've got to sit down and watch this movie. Really.

If I do that, then I'll probably have to watch A Christmas Story too......

lb13

Hey, beast, go ahead and make it a double feature!

ulysses5019 · #9 Post by **ulysses5019** » Tue Dec 15, 2009 8:06 am

Do I have to share top billing with a gh0st? At least I'm still married to Donna Reed.

MarleysGh0st · #10 Post by **MarleysGh0st** » Tue Dec 15, 2009 8:16 am

ulysses5019 wrote:Do I have to share top billing with a gh0st? At least I'm still married to Donna Reed.

Now, now, uly, you're letting your superstar status go to your head again. And if I can't land the part of the Christmas Eve spectral social worker, what part can I get?

kayrharris · #11 Post by **kayrharris** » Tue Dec 15, 2009 8:43 am

I was enjoying my first cup of coffee when I read this and thankfully didn't spew the screen. This is definitely a
masterpiece!!

Look at you Miss Fanny!!! Woo hoo!!!

Describing LB as a successful artist in the midwest is just priceless!! LB, if you have a VCR, I'll send you
my copy of It's a Wonderful Life.

kay

ulysses5019 · #12 Post by **ulysses5019** » Tue Dec 15, 2009 8:48 am

MarleysGh0st wrote:
ulysses5019 wrote:Do I have to share top billing with a gh0st? At least I'm still married to Donna Reed.
Now, now, uly, you're letting your superstar status go to your head again. And if I can't land the part of the Christmas Eve spectral social worker, what part can I get?

Yeah, but you have your own movie, with virtually all the good parts.

MarleysGh0st · #13 Post by **MarleysGh0st** » Tue Dec 15, 2009 8:51 am

ulysses5019 wrote:
MarleysGh0st wrote:
ulysses5019 wrote:Do I have to share top billing with a gh0st? At least I'm still married to Donna Reed.
Now, now, uly, you're letting your superstar status go to your head again. And if I can't land the part of the Christmas Eve spectral social worker, what part can I get?

Yeah, but you have your own movie, with virtually all the good parts.

And what about that James Cameron movie opening this week, Avatar, that's the most expensive movie of all time? Don't tell me you didn't have fun starring in that!

ulysses5019 · #14 Post by **ulysses5019** » Tue Dec 15, 2009 8:53 am

MarleysGh0st wrote:
ulysses5019 wrote:
MarleysGh0st wrote:
Now, now, uly, you're letting your superstar status go to your head again. And if I can't land the part of the Christmas Eve spectral social worker, what part can I get?

Yeah, but you have your own movie, with virtually all the good parts.
And what about that James Cameron movie opening this week, Avatar, that's the most expensive movie of all time? Don't tell me you didn't have fun starring in that!

But I'm now a permanent shade of blue!

christie1111 · #15 Post by **christie1111** » Tue Dec 15, 2009 8:55 am

ulysses5019 wrote:Do I have to share top billing with a gh0st? At least I'm still married to Donna Reed.

I think Donna's part could have been played by Christie1111. But since she really got cut from this version, I am okay with not getting a cameo.

Another very well done promo! And so timely!

#16 Post by **littlebeast13** » Tue Dec 15, 2009 9:14 am

kayrharris wrote:I was enjoying my first cup of coffee when I read this and thankfully didn't spew the screen. This is definitely a
masterpiece!!

Look at you Miss Fanny!!! Woo hoo!!!

Describing LB as a successful artist in the midwest is just priceless!! LB, if you have a VCR, I'll send you
my copy of It's a Wonderful Life.

kay

Why would I have a VCR? ES would just run up late fees renting squirrel porn....

lb13

kayrharris · #17 Post by **kayrharris** » Tue Dec 15, 2009 9:25 am

littlebeast13 wrote:
kayrharris wrote:I was enjoying my first cup of coffee when I read this and thankfully didn't spew the screen. This is definitely a
masterpiece!!

Look at you Miss Fanny!!! Woo hoo!!!

Describing LB as a successful artist in the midwest is just priceless!! LB, if you have a VCR, I'll send you
my copy of It's a Wonderful Life.

kay

Why would I have a VCR? ES would just run up late fees renting squirrel porn....

lb13

Take his Blockbuster card away from him. Or better yet, join Netflix!

kay

ulysses5019 · #18 Post by **ulysses5019** » Tue Dec 15, 2009 10:24 am

littlebeast13 wrote:
kayrharris wrote:I was enjoying my first cup of coffee when I read this and thankfully didn't spew the screen. This is definitely a
masterpiece!!

Look at you Miss Fanny!!! Woo hoo!!!

Describing LB as a successful artist in the midwest is just priceless!! LB, if you have a VCR, I'll send you
my copy of It's a Wonderful Life.

kay

Why would I have a VCR? ES would just run up late fees renting squirrel porn....

lb13

People still have vcrs?

TheSearchIsOn · #19 Post by **TheSearchIsOn** » Tue Dec 15, 2009 11:26 am

Guess what lb, you aren't the only one that hasn't seen "It's a Wonderful Life". Nor are you the only one who hasn't seen "A Christmas Story".

MarleysGh0st · #20 Post by **MarleysGh0st** » Tue Dec 15, 2009 11:59 am

TheSearchIsOn wrote:Guess what lb, you aren't the only one that hasn't seen "It's a Wonderful Life". Nor are you the only one who hasn't seen "A Christmas Story".

Sheesh!

Okay, it's double feature night for you, too!

kayrharris · #21 Post by **kayrharris** » Tue Dec 15, 2009 12:19 pm

ulysses5019 wrote:
littlebeast13 wrote:
kayrharris wrote:I was enjoying my first cup of coffee when I read this and thankfully didn't spew the screen. This is definitely a
masterpiece!!

Look at you Miss Fanny!!! Woo hoo!!!

Describing LB as a successful artist in the midwest is just priceless!! LB, if you have a VCR, I'll send you
my copy of It's a Wonderful Life.

kay

Why would I have a VCR? ES would just run up late fees renting squirrel porn....

lb13
People still have vcrs?

Why do you think I so generously offered him my copy of the video?

kay

earendel · #22 Post by **earendel** » Tue Dec 15, 2009 12:51 pm

You can number me among those who haven't seen either of the two movies. I've seen parts of both of them, but I've never been able to sit down and force myself to watch. I don't know why but neither of them particularly resonates with me.

#23 Post by **Bob78164** » Tue Dec 15, 2009 1:11 pm

TheSearchIsOn wrote:Guess what lb, you aren't the only one that hasn't seen "It's a Wonderful Life".

So would you like to see the Jimmy Stewart version or the Marlo Thomas version? --Bob

TheSearchIsOn · #24 Post by **TheSearchIsOn** » Tue Dec 15, 2009 3:13 pm

Bob78164 wrote:
TheSearchIsOn wrote:Guess what lb, you aren't the only one that hasn't seen "It's a Wonderful Life".
So would you like to see the Jimmy Stewart version or the Marlo Thomas version? --Bob

I'll really show my ignorance now and say that I didn't even know there was a Marlo Thomas version. I think I'd prefer the Jimmy Stewart one though.

Speaking of Marlo Thomas, I saw an ad online for St. Jude where she was pictured with some children. If that picture is current and untouched, she must have really had some work done.

ulysses5019 · #25 Post by **ulysses5019** » Tue Dec 15, 2009 4:22 pm

TheSearchIsOn wrote:
Bob78164 wrote:
TheSearchIsOn wrote:Guess what lb, you aren't the only one that hasn't seen "It's a Wonderful Life".
So would you like to see the Jimmy Stewart version or the Marlo Thomas version? --Bob
I'll really show my ignorance now and say that I didn't even know there was a Marlo Thomas version. I think I'd prefer the Jimmy Stewart one though.

Speaking of Marlo Thomas, I saw an ad online for St. Jude where she was pictured with some children. If that picture is current and untouched, she must have really had some work done.

I never heard of this alternate version. It is called It Happened One Christmas (1977).

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0076213/

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