The Boredshank Redemption
Posted: Thu Sep 10, 2009 8:35 am
Scene: In a courtroom for the sentencing of convicted murderer Uly Defresne
Judge: You strike me as a particularly icy and remorseless man, Uly Dufresne. It chills my blood just to look at you. By the power vested in me, I hereby order you to serve two life sentences on Boredshank, back to back, one for each of your victims. So be it.
Scene: Warden Marley addresses the new prisoners
Marley: This is Mr. TBone, captain of the moderators. I am Mr. Marley, the warden of this Bored. You are sinners and scum, that's why they sent you to me. Rule number one: no blaspheming. I'll not have the Lord's name taken in vain in my prison. The other rules you'll figure out as you go along. Any questions?
Marley: I believe in two things. Discipline and the Bible. Here, you'll receive both.
[holds up a Bible]
Put your faith in the Lord. Your ass belongs to me. Welcome to Boredshank.
Scene: Prison yard
Nelly (voice over):
I must admit I didn't think much of Uly first time I saw him at Boredshank. He might'a been important on the outside, but in here he was just a little turd in prison grays. Looked like a stiff breeze could blow him over. That was my first impression of the man.
Uly: I understand you're a man who knows how to get things.
Nelly: I'm known to locate certain things from time to time. They seem to fall into my hands. Maybe it's 'cause I'm Irish.
Uly: I wonder if you could get me Photoshop?
Nelly: What is it and why?
Uly: You make your customers' motives a part of your business?
Nelly: If you wanted a toothbrush, I wouldn't ask questions. I'd just quote a price. A toothbrush, see, is a non-lethal sort of product.
Uly: Fair enough. Photoshop is software that allows the user to modify pictures, photos and the like. It's for avatars.
Nelly: Avatars.
Scene: As the prisoners look on, Uly overhears moderator TBone discussing bandwidth with another mod.
Uly: Mr. TBone. Do you trust your internet provider?
TBone: That's it! This guy’s gonna havin' hisself an accident.
Uly: Because if you do trust them, there's no reason in the world you can't have all the bandwidth you want and any size pictures you want.
TBone: You better start making sense.
Uly: If you want the extra bandwidth, all of it, just sign up as a business. See, your IP will give you the extra size and the difference in price is tax deductible.
TBone: Naw, that ain't right! Tax deductible?
Uly: Tax deductible. You can even upload photos in your posts if you prepare them correctly.
TBone: You're the smart artist what shot his wife. Why should I believe a smart artist like you? So's I can wind up in here with you?
Uly: It's perfectly legal. Actually, I feel silly telling you all this. I'm sure you would have investigated the matter yourself.
TBone: I don't need no smart wife-killin' artist to show me how to set up a simple internet connection.
Uly: Of course not. But you will need somebody to set up the business and download the software for you. I can do that for you...nearly free of charge.
Uly: I'd only ask three hours of chat room time for my co-workers, if that seems fair.
Nelly (voice over):
Pretty soon Uly was setting up the computers for all the moderators. He showed them how to use Photoshop to get the pictures they wanted. Every day Uly would gather a bit more information. A password here, an PIN there. The moderators were lost without him and clueless to his adventures.
Scene: Uly changes the Bored settings and allows the prisoners to play Lyrically Speaking, a long forbidden game.
Nelly (voice over):
I have no idea to this day what the songs were about. Truth is, I don't want to know. Some things are best left unsaid. I like to think they were lyrics about something so beautiful it can't be expressed in words, and makes your heart ache because of it.
Nelly (voice over):
I tell you, those lyrics soared. Higher and farther than anybody in a gray place dares to dream. It was like some beautiful bird flapped into our drab little cage and made these walls dissolve away...and for the briefest of moments -- every last man at Boredshank felt free. Unfortunately, Uly got two weeks on transcripts duty for that little stunt.
Scene: Uly and Nelly discuss Warden Marley
Nelly: Got his fingers in a lot of pies, from what I hear.
Uly: What you hear isn't half of it. He's got scams you haven't dreamed of. Credit cards scams. SPAM. Copyright violation. He thinks those squirrel avatars are his own creations.
Nelly: Action like that can be a problem. Sooner or later you gotta explain it.
Uly: That's where I come in. I set up a South American website just to handle it.
Nelly: Jesus. They ever catch on, he's gonna wind up wearing a number himself.
Uly: I thought you had more faith in me than that.
Nelly: I'm sure you're good, but all that paper leaves a trail. Anybody gets too curious – FBI, CIA whatever -- that trail's gonna lead to somebody.
Uly: Sure it will. But not to me, and certainly not to the warden.
Nelly: Who then?
Uly: Peter Littlebeast.
Nelly: Who?
Uly: The silent, silent partner. He's the guilty one, your Honor. The man with the web accounts. That's where the action starts. They trace it back, all they're gonna find is him.
Nelly: Yeah, okay, but who the hell is he?
Uly: He doesn't exist...except on this Bored.
Nelly: You can't just make a BB up.
Uly: Sure you can, if you know how the system works, and where the cracks are. It's amazing what you can accomplish by mail. Mr. Littlebeast has a user name, profile, avatar. They ever track his accounts, they'll wind up chasing a figment of my imagination.
Nelly: Jesus. Did I say you were good? You're Rembrandt.
Uly: It's funny. On the outside, I was an honest man. Straight as an arrow. I had to come to this Bored to be a crook.
Scene: Uly and red discuss the future
Uly: Red, if you ever get out of here, do me a favor. There's this message board on Yahoo. You know what Yahoo is?
Nelly: (nods) Lots of message boards on Yahoo.
Uly: One in particular. It’s called the GC. It’s a little archaic, but it works. Promise me, Red. If you ever get out, find that board. I created a file just for you in the Messages folder. You'll find something interesting in it I want you to have.
Nelly: What? What's in the folder?
Uly: You'll just have to open it and see.
Scene: Warden Marley storms up with an entourage of guards. Uly is not around at role call.
Warden Marley: What do you mean "he just wasn't here?" Don't say that to me, TBone! Don't say that to me again!
TBone: But sir! He wasn't! He isn't!
Warden Marley: I can see that, Tbone! You think I'm blind? Is that what you're saying? Am I blind?
TBone: No sir!
Warden Marley: Tell me what this is!
TBone: Last night's count.
Warden Marley: You see Uly name? I sure do! Right there, see? "Uly." He was in his cell at lights out! Stands to reason he'd still be here this morning! I want him found! Not tomorrow, not after breakfast! Now!
Scene: Uly logs out of Boredshank for good
Nelly (voice over):
Uly crawled to freedom through five hundred off-topic posts of shit-smelling foulness I can't even imagine. Or maybe I just don't want to.
Nelly (voice over):
Five hundred off-topic posts. A typical days worth on the Bored. Probably knocked someone off the rankings list.
Scene: The cyberpolice catch up with Warden Marley. He deletes himself to avoid prosecution.
Scene: Newly paroled Nelly finds the Yahoo board and the file Uly left for him. He reads it
Dear Nelly.
If you're reading this, you've gotten out. And if you've come this far, maybe you're willing to come a little further. You remember the name of the new Bored I told you about, don't you? They could use a few more players here. A new challenge awaits us starting on Monday. It’s called Decades. Remember, Nelly. Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies. I will be hoping that this letter finds you, finds you well and finds you ready to play Decades. Your friend. Uly.
Scene: Nelly arrives on the Bored
Uly: You look like a man who knows how to get things.
Nelly: I'm known to locate certain things from time to time.
Decades premieres Monday
Break out and play
Judge: You strike me as a particularly icy and remorseless man, Uly Dufresne. It chills my blood just to look at you. By the power vested in me, I hereby order you to serve two life sentences on Boredshank, back to back, one for each of your victims. So be it.
Scene: Warden Marley addresses the new prisoners
Marley: This is Mr. TBone, captain of the moderators. I am Mr. Marley, the warden of this Bored. You are sinners and scum, that's why they sent you to me. Rule number one: no blaspheming. I'll not have the Lord's name taken in vain in my prison. The other rules you'll figure out as you go along. Any questions?
Marley: I believe in two things. Discipline and the Bible. Here, you'll receive both.
[holds up a Bible]
Put your faith in the Lord. Your ass belongs to me. Welcome to Boredshank.
Scene: Prison yard
Nelly (voice over):
I must admit I didn't think much of Uly first time I saw him at Boredshank. He might'a been important on the outside, but in here he was just a little turd in prison grays. Looked like a stiff breeze could blow him over. That was my first impression of the man.
Uly: I understand you're a man who knows how to get things.
Nelly: I'm known to locate certain things from time to time. They seem to fall into my hands. Maybe it's 'cause I'm Irish.
Uly: I wonder if you could get me Photoshop?
Nelly: What is it and why?
Uly: You make your customers' motives a part of your business?
Nelly: If you wanted a toothbrush, I wouldn't ask questions. I'd just quote a price. A toothbrush, see, is a non-lethal sort of product.
Uly: Fair enough. Photoshop is software that allows the user to modify pictures, photos and the like. It's for avatars.
Nelly: Avatars.
Scene: As the prisoners look on, Uly overhears moderator TBone discussing bandwidth with another mod.
Uly: Mr. TBone. Do you trust your internet provider?
TBone: That's it! This guy’s gonna havin' hisself an accident.
Uly: Because if you do trust them, there's no reason in the world you can't have all the bandwidth you want and any size pictures you want.
TBone: You better start making sense.
Uly: If you want the extra bandwidth, all of it, just sign up as a business. See, your IP will give you the extra size and the difference in price is tax deductible.
TBone: Naw, that ain't right! Tax deductible?
Uly: Tax deductible. You can even upload photos in your posts if you prepare them correctly.
TBone: You're the smart artist what shot his wife. Why should I believe a smart artist like you? So's I can wind up in here with you?
Uly: It's perfectly legal. Actually, I feel silly telling you all this. I'm sure you would have investigated the matter yourself.
TBone: I don't need no smart wife-killin' artist to show me how to set up a simple internet connection.
Uly: Of course not. But you will need somebody to set up the business and download the software for you. I can do that for you...nearly free of charge.
Uly: I'd only ask three hours of chat room time for my co-workers, if that seems fair.
Nelly (voice over):
Pretty soon Uly was setting up the computers for all the moderators. He showed them how to use Photoshop to get the pictures they wanted. Every day Uly would gather a bit more information. A password here, an PIN there. The moderators were lost without him and clueless to his adventures.
Scene: Uly changes the Bored settings and allows the prisoners to play Lyrically Speaking, a long forbidden game.
Nelly (voice over):
I have no idea to this day what the songs were about. Truth is, I don't want to know. Some things are best left unsaid. I like to think they were lyrics about something so beautiful it can't be expressed in words, and makes your heart ache because of it.
Nelly (voice over):
I tell you, those lyrics soared. Higher and farther than anybody in a gray place dares to dream. It was like some beautiful bird flapped into our drab little cage and made these walls dissolve away...and for the briefest of moments -- every last man at Boredshank felt free. Unfortunately, Uly got two weeks on transcripts duty for that little stunt.
Scene: Uly and Nelly discuss Warden Marley
Nelly: Got his fingers in a lot of pies, from what I hear.
Uly: What you hear isn't half of it. He's got scams you haven't dreamed of. Credit cards scams. SPAM. Copyright violation. He thinks those squirrel avatars are his own creations.
Nelly: Action like that can be a problem. Sooner or later you gotta explain it.
Uly: That's where I come in. I set up a South American website just to handle it.
Nelly: Jesus. They ever catch on, he's gonna wind up wearing a number himself.
Uly: I thought you had more faith in me than that.
Nelly: I'm sure you're good, but all that paper leaves a trail. Anybody gets too curious – FBI, CIA whatever -- that trail's gonna lead to somebody.
Uly: Sure it will. But not to me, and certainly not to the warden.
Nelly: Who then?
Uly: Peter Littlebeast.
Nelly: Who?
Uly: The silent, silent partner. He's the guilty one, your Honor. The man with the web accounts. That's where the action starts. They trace it back, all they're gonna find is him.
Nelly: Yeah, okay, but who the hell is he?
Uly: He doesn't exist...except on this Bored.
Nelly: You can't just make a BB up.
Uly: Sure you can, if you know how the system works, and where the cracks are. It's amazing what you can accomplish by mail. Mr. Littlebeast has a user name, profile, avatar. They ever track his accounts, they'll wind up chasing a figment of my imagination.
Nelly: Jesus. Did I say you were good? You're Rembrandt.
Uly: It's funny. On the outside, I was an honest man. Straight as an arrow. I had to come to this Bored to be a crook.
Scene: Uly and red discuss the future
Uly: Red, if you ever get out of here, do me a favor. There's this message board on Yahoo. You know what Yahoo is?
Nelly: (nods) Lots of message boards on Yahoo.
Uly: One in particular. It’s called the GC. It’s a little archaic, but it works. Promise me, Red. If you ever get out, find that board. I created a file just for you in the Messages folder. You'll find something interesting in it I want you to have.
Nelly: What? What's in the folder?
Uly: You'll just have to open it and see.
Scene: Warden Marley storms up with an entourage of guards. Uly is not around at role call.
Warden Marley: What do you mean "he just wasn't here?" Don't say that to me, TBone! Don't say that to me again!
TBone: But sir! He wasn't! He isn't!
Warden Marley: I can see that, Tbone! You think I'm blind? Is that what you're saying? Am I blind?
TBone: No sir!
Warden Marley: Tell me what this is!
TBone: Last night's count.
Warden Marley: You see Uly name? I sure do! Right there, see? "Uly." He was in his cell at lights out! Stands to reason he'd still be here this morning! I want him found! Not tomorrow, not after breakfast! Now!
Scene: Uly logs out of Boredshank for good
Nelly (voice over):
Uly crawled to freedom through five hundred off-topic posts of shit-smelling foulness I can't even imagine. Or maybe I just don't want to.
Nelly (voice over):
Five hundred off-topic posts. A typical days worth on the Bored. Probably knocked someone off the rankings list.
Scene: The cyberpolice catch up with Warden Marley. He deletes himself to avoid prosecution.
Scene: Newly paroled Nelly finds the Yahoo board and the file Uly left for him. He reads it
Dear Nelly.
If you're reading this, you've gotten out. And if you've come this far, maybe you're willing to come a little further. You remember the name of the new Bored I told you about, don't you? They could use a few more players here. A new challenge awaits us starting on Monday. It’s called Decades. Remember, Nelly. Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies. I will be hoping that this letter finds you, finds you well and finds you ready to play Decades. Your friend. Uly.
Scene: Nelly arrives on the Bored
Uly: You look like a man who knows how to get things.
Nelly: I'm known to locate certain things from time to time.
Decades premieres Monday
Break out and play
