Uly Childers: I reckon what you'd wantin' to know is what I'ma doin' in here. I reckon the reason I'm in here cause I killed somebody from the Bored. Mm-hmm. But I reckon that you'd wantin' to know is how come he killed somebody. So I reckon I'll start at the front. Mm-hmm. I lived out on my mother's and father's website. Most of my life in a little ole webpage that my daddy built for me. Mm. They didn't too much want me up there in the main page with the rest of 'em. Mm. But mostly I just sat around out there on my page creating avatars, mmm. I didn't have no Photoshop. Took all the squirrel pitchers myself. Mm-hmm.
My father was a hard-workin' man most of his life. Not that I can say the same for myself. I mostly would just sit around out there the webpage starin’ at my squirrel pitchers. Went to other webpages from time to time. But the children on those were very cruel to me, make quite a bit of sport of me, make fun of me quite a bit. But mostly I would just sit around out there, on my webpage. One day my daddy went to a place called The Bored and began workin’ with an old man named Grandpa Beast. My daddy became a moderator on that Bored. And old man Beast was a very cruel feller. Didn't treat his moderators very well. Didn't pay 'em too much of a wage. Didn't pay my daddy too much of wage. Just barely enough to get by, I reckon. But I reckon he got by alright. Mm. They used to check out my page, one or the other of 'em, usually my mother, look at my avatars. Well, I know he had enough bandwidth to where I could post my squirrel avatars three or four times a week. One day he showed me the Bored. Mm, mm.
Well old man Beast, he had a grandson name was Littlebeast. Littlebeast was really more cruel than his grandpa was. He used to make quite a bit of sport of me when I was logged in. He used to take advantage of me on the Bored. He used to say that the squirrels in my avatars were very pretty squirrels. He said that quite a bit from time-to-time while I'd be down there. Well, I reckon you want me to get on with it, and tell you what happen. So, I reckon I'll tell ye.
I was sittin' out there on the Bored one evening, not doin' too much of nothin', just kinda talkin’ to someone named Kiki, mm, waitin' on my latest avatar to upload. Mm. Mm-hmm. Well, I heard a co-motion on the other side of the Bored, mm, so I went and looked to see what is a goin' on. Come to find out Littlebeast had a link to his own place, Mmm, called Photobucket, and it was all fulla pitchers.
I looked in the Photobucket site and there I seen some of my purty squirrel pitchers redrawn in all sorts of ways. Squirrel heads with bird bodies. Squirrels carrying machine guns and whatnot.
Well, I just seen red.
I logged me off and went to the local Walmart, that’s where Littlebeast worked at nights. Mmm-hmm. I picked up a bottle of Evenly Gorgeous Body Wash. Some folks call it exfoliating and lusciously moisturizing, but I just call it Evenly Gorgeous. It comes in a long, slender bottle, shaped kinda like a bananner. Mm-hmm. Wavy on the top, flat on the other. What the other BBs use to keep their skin soft and whatnot.
Well, I waited fer him behind a rack of women’s pajammers. Mmm. Then I went into the laundry aisle and I hit Littlebeast upside the head with the Evenly Gorgeous. Knocked him into the economy bottles of Tide. Mm. I reckon that didn't quite satisfy me. So I hit him again with it in the neck with the wavy edge, just plum near cut his head off. Mm-hmm. Killed him.
Now Sunflower, a friend of Littlebeast’s who was in the next aisle over, she came over and started hollerin' "What'd you kill Littlebeast fer? What'd you kill Littlebeast fer?" Well, mm, come to find out I don't reckon Sunflower minded what Littlebeast was a doin' to my squirrels. I reckon that made me madder than what Littlebeast’d made me. So, I takin' the Evenly Gorgeous Body Wash, some folks call it exfoliating and lusciously moisturizing, but I just call it Evenly Gorgeous; and I hit Sunflower up side the head with it. Killed her.
Some folks has asked me, "If you had it to do over again, would you do it the same way?" I reckon I would. Seein' how they seem fit to put me in here. I been on this Bored for a great long while. I learned to use Photoshop. Took me four years to use it. I reckon I understand a great deal of it. I made a lot of posts for a great long while. Now they seem fit to put me outta here. They say they're settin' me free today. Any how, I reckon that's all you needin' to know. You wanna hear about more details; I reckon I can tell 'em to ye. I don't know whether or not that is enough for your blog, Miss Camaro or not. Mm-hmm.
Annie Camaro: Will you ever kill anybody again, Uly?
[Long Pause]
Uly: I don't reckon I got no reason to kill nobody. Mm. Unless, of course, they don’t play Decades! Starting in September. Mm-hmm.
