I haven't heard any good jokes in months.
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nitrah55
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earendel
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Re: I haven't heard any good jokes in months.
Sorry, no.nitrah55 wrote:Anybody got one?
"Elen sila lumenn omentielvo...A star shines on the hour of our meeting."
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kusch
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kusch
- Posts: 1510
- Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2007 7:37 am
Dave and his wife Margaret were playing in a mixed foursomes tournament. On the first hole Dave hit a great drive down the middle - Margaret sliced the second shot into a bunch of trees. Unfazed Dave played a brilliant recovery shot which went onto the green a foot from the pin. Margaret slashed at the putt and sent it twenty feet beyond the pin. Dave lined up the long putt and sank it. To Margaret he said, "We'll have to do better. That was a bogey five." "Don't blame me," she snapped, "I only took two of them."
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kusch
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Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."
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Bob Juch
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Answered Prayers
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise."
"Yes, Mrs. Kisselman?" the pastor prompted.
"Two months ago," she began in a firm, clear voice as she turned to the packed house, "my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.
She went on, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and, the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
The lady made a slight bow of thanks and headed back for her pew as all the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, "I'm Jim. I just wanted to tell my wife, once again, that the word is sternum!
"Yes, Mrs. Kisselman?" the pastor prompted.
"Two months ago," she began in a firm, clear voice as she turned to the packed house, "my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.
She went on, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and, the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
The lady made a slight bow of thanks and headed back for her pew as all the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, "I'm Jim. I just wanted to tell my wife, once again, that the word is sternum!
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)
Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to drive in New Jersey.
- Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)
Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to drive in New Jersey.
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PlacentiaSoccerMom
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- Joined: Mon Oct 08, 2007 10:47 am
- Location: Placentia, CA
- Contact:
The kids in quiz bowl had a question about pullets, which prompted the advisor to tell mis this joke:
Once there was this doctor that moved out to the country to become a farmer. He said to himself, "Well, since I'm going to have a farm, I'd might as well have animals on it." So the doctor got in his truck to go looking. Along the way, he spotted a sign saying, "Cocks 4 Sale."
He pulled over and asked the farmer what a cock was. "A cock is a rooster," the farmer replied. So the doctor bought a cock and put it in the back of his truck. The doctor continued on his way until he saw a sign saying, "Pullets 4 Sale."
The doctor pulled over and asked the farmer what a pullet was. "A pullet is a hen," the farmer replied. "But sometimes a cock and pullet will fight, so watch out." So the doctor thanked the farmer and went on his merry way.
Down the road a bit, there was another sign saying, "Asses 4 Sale." So the doctor pulled over again to ask. "An ass is a donkey," the farmer repied. "But watch out because this donkey is different. If he gets scared, he'll sit down and won't move until you scratch his belly."
The doctor thanked this farmer and turned around to head home. Well, in the road was a broken bottle and the doctor's truck ran over it. Pop!!!! The sound made the cock and pullet started to fight and the donkey sat on the spare tire. A lady just happened to be passing by and asked if the doctor needed help.
The doctor, wanting to sound like a professional farmer, replied, "Yes, I need help. Will you please hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass???"
Once there was this doctor that moved out to the country to become a farmer. He said to himself, "Well, since I'm going to have a farm, I'd might as well have animals on it." So the doctor got in his truck to go looking. Along the way, he spotted a sign saying, "Cocks 4 Sale."
He pulled over and asked the farmer what a cock was. "A cock is a rooster," the farmer replied. So the doctor bought a cock and put it in the back of his truck. The doctor continued on his way until he saw a sign saying, "Pullets 4 Sale."
The doctor pulled over and asked the farmer what a pullet was. "A pullet is a hen," the farmer replied. "But sometimes a cock and pullet will fight, so watch out." So the doctor thanked the farmer and went on his merry way.
Down the road a bit, there was another sign saying, "Asses 4 Sale." So the doctor pulled over again to ask. "An ass is a donkey," the farmer repied. "But watch out because this donkey is different. If he gets scared, he'll sit down and won't move until you scratch his belly."
The doctor thanked this farmer and turned around to head home. Well, in the road was a broken bottle and the doctor's truck ran over it. Pop!!!! The sound made the cock and pullet started to fight and the donkey sat on the spare tire. A lady just happened to be passing by and asked if the doctor needed help.
The doctor, wanting to sound like a professional farmer, replied, "Yes, I need help. Will you please hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass???"