WWTBAM Bored

Our accountant died. It happened within 12 hours of Sting's quarterly payroll meeting with him a few days ago. We hooked our chef friend up with him. Our chef friend went for his appointment and found the police and the coroner there. It was a bit upsetting for our chef friend and his wife.

Jack (our accountant) was in his late 70s. He has been Sting's accountant as long as I have known Sting. He is my m-i-l's accountant as well. I think I met Jack once, as I was in the area and our taxes needed to be picked up one year.

Our chef friend has been his client for about 2 years. They called and asked if Sting wanted to drive to the wake with them.

Sting asked me if I thought he 'should go' to the wake.

I thought about the possibility of Sting's small clients showing up at whatever service I might have for him, upon his death and I decided no, he had no obligation to go. I told him wakes are personal, not business.

What do all y'all think?

It depends on the relationship.

It may be officially business, but 'as long as I've know Sting' is a long time, right? Many business relationships are also personal ones.

The guy was Sting's accountant, not an accounting firm. I'm sure it was more of a personal relationship than folks calling to have a tree removed.

It all depends. If the accountant had a daughter getting married, would he have invited Sting? Does Sting know the accountant's wife and other family memebers? Did Sting consider him a friend?

I'm not sure the difference between a wake and a visitation. He should go to a visitation.

Sting's call. If he wants to go, go, if he doesn't want to go, don't go.

Depends a lot on the relationship between them. Was it strictly professional, or was there a more personal friendship involved? Does Sting know the family as well? If that's the case, my vote is to go. His choice, though, either way.

My dad's business accountant was also a good friend, and I'm not sure of the order in which those occurred. Whichever it was, I know Dad and Mom attended the accountant's funeral, and continued to do business with his sons. Mom still sends her tax paperwork to them.

When my dad, an ob/gyn for about 40 years, died, patients he had treated over the years and hospital staff he had worked with came to the wake/visitation. It made us feel good to know that he was improtant to so many people. Sting will make the right decision either way. I am sorry for the loss to your commuity and for the shock your chef friend experienced.

Love,

kusch wrote:Sting's call. If he wants to go, go, if he doesn't want to go, don't go.

Kusch and I are in full agreement on this.

It may have been a business relationship, but it was clearly a business relationship of long standing.

Unless there was a close relationship with the individual, it really doesn't matter to the attendant as much as it does to his family. So it shouldn't really matter to you other than "I am a part of mankind" type thing. If Sting did, it might matter to him and if he'd like you there with him, well, I guess that's what spouses do.

When my therapist died, his family had his bookkeeper call his patients right away not only so they would know he passed, but so that they could inform them of when the service would be (he was Jewish, so that's a quick turnaround). Whether that's because it was important to the family or they thought it would be important to the people because of the relationship they had to Dr. Bernstein, I don't know.

I am often undecided about going to viewings.I dont know of anyone who "wants" to go look at a dead person.
But I usually end up going,though I feel apprehensive and uncomfortable approaching the family/casket.
I have always left feeling good that I went, and seeing the need for the ceremonial aspects of it.
You dont go for you, you go for those who grieve the deceased.Tell a few stories about them, how they did good things for you and keep their minds off their loss for 3 days.

BigDrawMan wrote:I am often undecided about going to viewings.I dont know of anyone who "wants" to go look at a dead person.
But I usually end up going,though I feel apprehensive and uncomfortable approaching the family/casket.
I have always left feeling good that I went, and seeing the need for the ceremonial aspects of it.
You dont go for you, you go for those who grieve the deceased.Tell a few stories about them, how they did good things for you and keep their minds off their loss for 3 days.

It might be as much comfort for a family to hear, "He was a good accountant," as "He was a good person," if you knew him mainly as an accountant.

Wakes and the like are for the living, not the dead. It means a lot to relatives to know that their loved one was appreciated and respected as a business person and a human being. I don't think the question is whether the accountant would have invited Sting to his daughter's wedding. It's whether there's anything he can say about his relationship with the accountant that would be a comfort to the loved ones.

I'm with BDM, nitrah, and sss on this.

I lean toward going -- a sign that the accountant was respected beyond just his circle of family.

Of course, it's Sting's call.

Thanks everyone.

Looks like Sting has decided he is not going.

I think he is most uncomfortable about telling chef friend he is not going.

Viewings are more commonly observed back east than they are here, and we had one for my mother because that was the custom that SteelersFan and SIL were used to, so much so that they considered it expected, not optional. I'm really glad we did it. Many people who didn't know Mom at all came to visit with us and show their support for the family. Mostly the ones who came to funeral knew Mom personally.

I went to the viewing with SteelersFan when his father died but would not go near the casket. It was a great joy to meet "the twins," his very young cousins who thanked him so nicely for the D (Denver mint) pennies, and whom I never would have met otherwise.

My neighbor David died a few years ago. He died on the golf course of a massive heart attack. He was a really neat guy, a retired train engineer, who was enjoying his retirement He supported the arts and had season tickets to everything. He gave just about everyone on the block tickets when he couldn't go to shows. (Maddie and I got Nutcracker tickets one year.) He was probably the most-liked neighbor on our block.

What shocked me the most is that I was the only person from our neighborhood to go to his funeral. The neighborhood sent flowers, but it's just not the same as being there.

I was going to say, if he had to ask you if he should go, that meant he didn't want to go. If you had said, "you should go," he would've gone, and he could have chalked it up to a sense of obligation reinforced by you. Since you reinforced his feeling, that's why he's more worried about chef than the deceased's family.

The Irish side of me says that no one should be at a wake out of a sense of obligation. A funeral, sure. Memorial service, probably. But a wake? Let's just say I don't want anybody at mine who isn't ready to raise hell and pass the ammunition.

mrkelley23 wrote:I was going to say, if he had to ask you if he should go, that meant he didn't want to go. If you had said, "you should go," he would've gone, and he could have chalked it up to a sense of obligation reinforced by you. Since you reinforced his feeling, that's why he's more worried about chef than the deceased's family.

The Irish side of me says that no one should be at a wake out of a sense of obligation. A funeral, sure. Memorial service, probably. But a wake? Let's just say I don't want anybody at mine who isn't ready to raise hell and pass the ammunition.

I may have been able to influence him to go.

I think we are both dysfunctional when it comes to death and the ceremonies that surround death. I have no role models for this stuff. My folks never went to calling hours or funerals.

peacock2121 wrote:

mrkelley23 wrote:I was going to say, if he had to ask you if he should go, that meant he didn't want to go. If you had said, "you should go," he would've gone, and he could have chalked it up to a sense of obligation reinforced by you. Since you reinforced his feeling, that's why he's more worried about chef than the deceased's family.

The Irish side of me says that no one should be at a wake out of a sense of obligation. A funeral, sure. Memorial service, probably. But a wake? Let's just say I don't want anybody at mine who isn't ready to raise hell and pass the ammunition.

I may have been able to influence him to go.

I think we are both dysfunctional when it comes to death and the ceremonies that surround death. I have no role models for this stuff. My folks never went to calling hours or funerals.

I avoid them at all costs.....

lb13

PlacentiaSoccerMom wrote:My neighbor David died a few years ago. He died on the golf course of a massive heart attack. He was a really neat guy, a retired train engineer, who was enjoying his retirement He supported the arts and had season tickets to everything. He gave just about everyone on the block tickets when he couldn't go to shows. (Maddie and I got Nutcracker tickets one year.) He was probably the most-liked neighbor on our block.

What shocked me the most is that I was the only person from our neighborhood to go to his funeral. The neighborhood sent flowers, but it's just not the same as being there.

It's a sad fact, but a lot of people get very limited amounts of time off from work, and if a funeral is held during the week, askng for time off to go might sound to some bosses like a "the dog ate my homework" type of excuse.

A more likely answer is that the thought of going just doesn't occur to most people.

silverscreenselect wrote:

PlacentiaSoccerMom wrote:My neighbor David died a few years ago. He died on the golf course of a massive heart attack. He was a really neat guy, a retired train engineer, who was enjoying his retirement He supported the arts and had season tickets to everything. He gave just about everyone on the block tickets when he couldn't go to shows. (Maddie and I got Nutcracker tickets one year.) He was probably the most-liked neighbor on our block.

What shocked me the most is that I was the only person from our neighborhood to go to his funeral. The neighborhood sent flowers, but it's just not the same as being there.

It's a sad fact, but a lot of people get very limited amounts of time off from work, and if a funeral is held during the week, askng for time off to go might sound to some bosses like a "the dog ate my homework" type of excuse.

A more likely answer is that the thought of going just doesn't occur to most people.

in my experience, only relations and close friends go to the memorial service at the church, then to the burial and the wake afterwards.Thats about 4 hours.
Many more go to the viewing at the funeral home for 1-2 days before the burial.
2-4 and 7-9

BigDrawMan wrote:in my experience, only relations and close friends go to the memorial service at the church, then to the burial and the wake afterwards.Thats about 4 hours.
Many more go to the viewing at the funeral home for 1-2 days before the burial.
2-4 and 7-9

This is what I have found as well.

silverscreenselect wrote:It's a sad fact, but a lot of people get very limited amounts of time off from work, and if a funeral is held during the week, askng for time off to go might sound to some bosses like a "the dog ate my homework" type of excuse.

A more likely answer is that the thought of going just doesn't occur to most people.

When my great-grandmother died two years ago, my father asked for a funeral day off. He was told she didn't qualify as closely related enough. If it has been his grandmother, or his mother-in-law, it would have rated, but grandmother-in-law didn't. He took a vacation day off.