National Lampoon's Bored Vacation
Posted: Fri Jan 02, 2009 8:14 am
(Uly Griswold, his wife Fantine, and two kids Clem and Mini pull up in the family station wagon to the large deserted parking lot of Raspberry World after driving 2000 miles cross country. Uly parks the clunker halfway up the lot and the four of them emerge from the vehicle)
ULY GRISWOLD: Ah, first ones here! And you know why? Cause we're the Griswolds! Doesn't it look lovely?
FANNY GRISWOLD: Whatever you say, Uly.
ULY GRISWOLD: Come on Clem, I'll race you to the entrance!
(The four of them make their way through nearly a mile of empty parking spaces until they reach the front gate, where they are greeted by a life sized plastic replica of the park's mascot Evil Squirrel holding a sign. Uly pushes the button on the squirrel's nose)
EVIL SQUIRREL: Sorry folks! We're closed for two weeks to upgrade and add a new chat room to America's favorite family message Bored! Jabber-jabber-jabber-jabber!
(The four of them stand there dumbfounded as ES's bad news sinks in. Clem finally walks up to the squirrel figure and explodes its nose, causing it to repeat its message in a muted form)
ULY GRISWOLD: Come on, we're going in anyway.
FANNY GRISWOLD: Uly, what are you doing? Let's just go back to the car....
ULY GRISWOLD: We watch his program, we buy his toys, we look at his goddamn disgusting artwork. He owes the Griswolds, right? Fuckin'-A right he owes us!
FANNY GRISWOLD: Uly, you're scaring me.
ULY GRISWOLD: Don't be scared. I just think the administrator owes us an explanation, that's all. Come on...
(Uly escorts his weary family to the front gate where they run into the pudgy security guard Littlebeast)
SECURITY GUARD LITTLEBEAST: Sorry folks, the park's closed today. The squirrel out front should have told you.
ULY GRISWOLD: We've just spent the last 5 days driving all the way from Gastonia to come to Raspberry World for a little family fun playing Lyrically Speaking. It was supposed to start this Monday January 5th! And by God, I think we're gonna have some Lyrically Speaking fun one way or the other!
(Uly pulls out a bright pink gun and points it at Security Guard Littlebeast)
FANNY GRISWOLD: Uly, where did you get that gun?
ULY GRISWOLD: I got it from your daughter's Hello Kitty collection, Fanny. Just be quiet and let me handle things.
SECURITY GUARD LITTLEBEAST: That's just a BB gun. It couldn't even break the skin.
ULY GRISWOLD: Oh yeah it could. It could break the skin and cause you to start breaking out in sparkly pink bruises. You want that fat boy?
CLEM GRISWOLD: We're sorry about this sir, our dad isn't usually this violent.
SECURITY GUARD LITTLEBEAST: Has he ever deleted anyone before?
MINI GRISWOLD: Just a few squirrels, oh and our Aunt Kiki.
SECURITY GUARD LITTLEBEAST: I'm going to call the police. (Turns to head towards the security office)
ULY GRISWOLD: Oh no you're not! (Uly raises the loaded pink pistol and shoots Littlebeast in the derriere)
SECURITY GUARD LITTLEBEAST: Ow! I'm going to die from a pink infection!
ULY GRISWOLD: Not before you let us in that gate and enjoy a little family Bored fun with us! Lyrically Speaking here we come!
