To Kill A MockingBored
Posted: Thu Jan 01, 2009 9:59 pm
Scene: Raspberry Courthouse. Defense attorney Uly Finch is defending Bored Administrator Tom Littlebeast who is accused doing of the unthinkable: deleting the posts of Kiki Harris in an attempt to keep his post count higher.
Uly Finch is giving his closing statement.
Uly Finch: To begin with, this case should never have come to trial. The Bored has not produced one iota of evidence that the crime Tom Littlebeast is charged with ever took place... It has relied instead upon the testimony of two witnesses, whose evidence has not only been called into serious question on cross-examination, but has been flatly contradicted by the defendant. Now, there is circumstantial evidence to indicate that Kiki Harris had her posts deleted - savagely, by someone who typed exclusively with his left. And Tom Littlebeast now sits before you having logged in and having created an entire season of Winter Lyrically Speaking with the only good hand he possesses... his RIGHT.
Uly Finch: I have nothing but pity in my heart for the chief witness for the Bored. Kiki lacks the wherewithal to post on a regular basis and she just can not keep up with the one called "the notebook boy." But my pity does not extend so far as to her putting an Administrator's reputation at stake, which she has done in an effort to get rid of her own guilt. Now I say "guilt," gentlemen, because it was guilt that motivated her.
Uly Finch: She's committed no crime - she has merely broken a rigid and time-honored code of cyberspace, a code so severe that whoever breaks it is hounded from our midst as unfit to go on-line. But what was the evidence of her offense? Tom Littlebeast, a human being. She must put Tom Littlebeast away from her. Tom Littlebeast was to her a daily reminder of what she did. Now, what did she do? She did something that, in cyberspace, is unspeakable. She tried to out-post an Administrator. Not a no-show like Tubadave, but a verile, dare I say young Administrator. No code mattered to her before she broke it, but it came crashing down on her afterwards.
Uly Finch: The witnesses for the Bored, with the exception of the Evil Squirrel, have presented themselves to you BBs, to this Bored in the cynical confidence that their testimony would not be doubted, confident that you BBs would go along with them on the assumption... the evil assumption that all Administrators lie, all Administrators are basically immoral beings, all Administrators are not to be trusted around our women BBs. An assumption that one associates with minds of their caliber, and which is, in itself, BBs, a lie, which I do not need to point out to you. And so, a quiet, humble, respectable Administrator, who has had the unmitigated TEMERITY to post more than this woman, has had to put his word against TWO other BBs, one of whom is a furry, flea-bitten rodent!
Uly Finch: The defendant is not guilty - but somebody on this Bored is. Now, BBs, on this Bored, our posts are the great levelers. On our Bored, all BBs are created equal. I'm no idealist to believe firmly in the integrity of our Bored and of cyberspace - that's no ideal to me. That is a living, working reality! Now I am confident that you BBs will review, without passion, the evidence that you have heard, come to a decision and restore this Administrator's good name. In the name of GOD, do your duty and play Winter Lyrically Speaking starting Monday. In the name of God, believe... Tom Littlebeast.
Uly Finch is giving his closing statement.
Uly Finch: To begin with, this case should never have come to trial. The Bored has not produced one iota of evidence that the crime Tom Littlebeast is charged with ever took place... It has relied instead upon the testimony of two witnesses, whose evidence has not only been called into serious question on cross-examination, but has been flatly contradicted by the defendant. Now, there is circumstantial evidence to indicate that Kiki Harris had her posts deleted - savagely, by someone who typed exclusively with his left. And Tom Littlebeast now sits before you having logged in and having created an entire season of Winter Lyrically Speaking with the only good hand he possesses... his RIGHT.
Uly Finch: I have nothing but pity in my heart for the chief witness for the Bored. Kiki lacks the wherewithal to post on a regular basis and she just can not keep up with the one called "the notebook boy." But my pity does not extend so far as to her putting an Administrator's reputation at stake, which she has done in an effort to get rid of her own guilt. Now I say "guilt," gentlemen, because it was guilt that motivated her.
Uly Finch: She's committed no crime - she has merely broken a rigid and time-honored code of cyberspace, a code so severe that whoever breaks it is hounded from our midst as unfit to go on-line. But what was the evidence of her offense? Tom Littlebeast, a human being. She must put Tom Littlebeast away from her. Tom Littlebeast was to her a daily reminder of what she did. Now, what did she do? She did something that, in cyberspace, is unspeakable. She tried to out-post an Administrator. Not a no-show like Tubadave, but a verile, dare I say young Administrator. No code mattered to her before she broke it, but it came crashing down on her afterwards.
Uly Finch: The witnesses for the Bored, with the exception of the Evil Squirrel, have presented themselves to you BBs, to this Bored in the cynical confidence that their testimony would not be doubted, confident that you BBs would go along with them on the assumption... the evil assumption that all Administrators lie, all Administrators are basically immoral beings, all Administrators are not to be trusted around our women BBs. An assumption that one associates with minds of their caliber, and which is, in itself, BBs, a lie, which I do not need to point out to you. And so, a quiet, humble, respectable Administrator, who has had the unmitigated TEMERITY to post more than this woman, has had to put his word against TWO other BBs, one of whom is a furry, flea-bitten rodent!
Uly Finch: The defendant is not guilty - but somebody on this Bored is. Now, BBs, on this Bored, our posts are the great levelers. On our Bored, all BBs are created equal. I'm no idealist to believe firmly in the integrity of our Bored and of cyberspace - that's no ideal to me. That is a living, working reality! Now I am confident that you BBs will review, without passion, the evidence that you have heard, come to a decision and restore this Administrator's good name. In the name of GOD, do your duty and play Winter Lyrically Speaking starting Monday. In the name of God, believe... Tom Littlebeast.