My Cousin Uly
Posted: Thu Jan 01, 2009 9:41 am
(The scene is a courtroom deep in the backwoods of Auburn, Alabama. Attorney Uly Gambini is defending his two clients Fanny Fantine and Cindy "LOL" Wellman, who are charged with breaking into The Chatroom and murdering the administrator Littlebeast with gratuitous Hello Kitty imagery. Uly approaches the state's witness Mr. Nelly Lunatic to cross-examine him.)
ULY GAMBINI: Mr. Lunatic, when you viewed the defendants walking from the Bored into The Chatroom, what angle was your point of view?
NELLY LUNATIC: They were kinda walking towards me as they entered the chatroom.
ULY GAMBINI: And when they left The Chatroom, what angle was your point of view?
NELLY LUNATIC: They was kind of walking away from me.
ULY GAMBINI: So would you say that you got a better shot of them going in, and not so much coming out?
NELLY LUNATIC: You could say that.
ULY GAMBINI: I did say that. Would you say that?
NELLY LUNATIC: Yeah.
ULY GAMBINI: Is it possible the two BB's....
JUDGE BOB O'NUMBERS: Two what? What was that word?
ULY GAMBINI: What word?
JUDGE BOB O'NUMBERS: Two what?
ULY GAMBINI: What?
JUDGE BOB O'NUMBERS: Did you say BB's?
ULY GAMBINI: Yeah, two BB's.
JUDGE BOB O'NUMBERS: What the hell's a BB?
ULY GAMBINI: Excuse me your Honor, two posters. Is it possible, the two defendants entered The Chatroom, exchanged 22 different lines of dialogue, said goodbye to the administrator then leave, then two different posters walk up in a similar--don't shake your head, I'm not done yet, wait till you hear the whole thing, so that you can understand this now, two different posters walk up from a similar Bored, go in, shoot the administrator with pink avatars, rob him of his dignity, and then leave?
NELLY LUNATIC: No. They didn't have enough time.
ULY GAMBINI: Well, how much time was they in The Chatroom?
NELLY LUNATIC: Five minutes.
ULY GAMBINI: Five minutes? Are you sure, did you tape at your watch?
NELLY LUNATIC: No.
ULY GAMBINI: Oh, oh, I'm sorry, you testified earlier that the girls went into the store and you had just logged on to the Bored, you were just ready to post and you heard a scream of Hello Kitty terror, so obviously you spent just 5 minutes on the Bored.
NELLY LUNATIC: That's right
ULY GAMBINI: So you knew that. Do you remember what you did on the Bored?
NELLY LUNATIC: I played that day's Lyrically Speaking game.
ULY GAMBINI: Lyrically Speaking! I like playing Lyrically Speaking. I heard it's starting back up on the Bored this Monday the 5th! How do you play Lyrically Speaking? Do you just go on your quick gut feelings, do you wrack your brain all day over it, or do you just kinda play regularly?
NELLY LUNATIC: Just regular, I guess.
ULY GAMBINI: Regular? Hmm. Do you use Google?
NELLY LUNATIC: No self-respecting Bored Buddy uses Google! I take pride in my Lyrically Speaking answers.
ULY GAMBINI: So, Mr. Lunatic, how could it take you five minutes to play Lyrically Speaking, when it takes the entire Lyrically Speaking world twenty minutes?
NELLY LUNATIC: I don't know. I'm a fast player I guess.
ULY GAMBINI: I'm sorry, I was all the way over here admiring this squirrel avatar, I couldn't hear you. Are we to believe that song titles and artists post onto a Bored faster on your ISP than in any place on the face of the earth?
NELLY LUNATIC: I don't know.
ULY GAMBINI: Perhaps the laws of cyberspace cease to exist on your computer!?!? Were these magic posts? Did you buy them from the same guy who demands 10% of your total winnings?
THE PROSECUTER IN THE SEERSUCKER SUIT: Objection, your Honor.
JUDGE BOB O'NUMBERS: Objection sustained. Mr. Lunatic, you may ignore the question.
ULY GAMBINI: Are you sure about that five minutes? Are you sure about that five minutes?
NELLY LUNATIC: I don't know.
JUDGE BOB O'NUMBERS: I think you made your point.(Hits gavel repeatedly)
ULY GAMBINI: (yelling): Are you sure about that five minutes?
NELLY LUNATIC: I may have been mistaken.
ULY GAMBINI: I got no more use for this guy.
