Pee Wee Uly's Big Adventure
Posted: Thu Dec 25, 2008 10:55 am
(Pee Wee Uly enters Silvercamaro's Repair Shop)
PEE WEE ULY: Is my Avatar Genie® ready yet?
SILVERCAMARO: Yes, it's in the backroom. Do you have any idea how much squirrel fur was trapped in the motor?
PEE WEE ULY: W00t! You're the best Silver! Can I ask you something?
SILVERCAMARO: No...
PEE WEE ULY: Would you go out to the drive-in with me tonight?
SILVERCAMARO: I have to take Annie to the vet, and...
PEE WEE ULY: I really like you
SILVERCAMARO: Do I need to yell for Lizbit?
PEE WEE ULY: You don't want to get mixed up with me, baby. I'm a loner, a rebel, a....
SILVERCAMARO: Hey! It looks like someone broke into our shop while I was out to lunch! Your Avatar Genie® missing.
PEE WEE ULY: Set up a dragnet! Comb the whole area! Hurry!
OFFICER CLEM: I'm afraid we can't consider your Avatar Genie® being stolen a police emergency.
PEE WEE ULY: But you don't understand, my Avatar Genie® means everything to me!
OFFICER CLEM: Am I gonna have to explode your nose, punk? Beat it!
(Pee Wee Uly pays a visit to Obscenely Rich Bastard's mansion)
PEE WEE ULY: I want to see Kay, now!
OBSCENELY RICH BASTARD: She's busy trying on new boots
PEE WEE ULY: I didn't know they made tramp wear for old ladies.
KAY: What is going on out here?
PEE WEE ULY: Kay, give me back my Avatar Genie®! You stole it!
KAY: I would never do anything like that! I'm a refined Southern belle
PEE WEE ULY: You are just a big meanie!
KAY: I know you are, but what am I?
OBSCENELY RICH BASTARD: Kay, dear! Your middle child peacemaking tendencies please!
KAY: Sorry, I got carried away. Besides, I couldn't have stolen your Avatar Genie®, I was busy running my Jazzy around the swimming pool all day.
(Pee Wee Uly walks down the dark streets of the city in the pouring rain, desperately looking for clues as to the whereabouts of his missing Avatar Genie®. He stumbles across a palm reading shop)
MADAME MEISHA: Cash only! No cards, no checks! You got cash?
PEE WEE ULY: (nods)
MADAME MEISHA: Come on in and have a seat by the crystal ball. For $50 I can tell you a lot of things. For $100 I can tell you even more things. For $200 I can tell you everything!
PEE WEE ULY: Tell me why I'm here.
MADAME MEISHA: You're here because........... you want something!
PEE WEE ULY: Wow! You're good!
MADAME MEISHA: Let's see what Madame Meisha sees.... I see.... (thumbs through wallet she lifted from Pee Wee Uly's coat) I see a strange picture making machine!
PEE WEE ULY: Yes! Is it OK?
MADAME MEISHA: It is OK.
PEE WEE ULY: Where is it?
MADAME MEISHA: It's somewhere else. Somewhere far away...
PEE WEE ULY: Where!?!??!!?!?
MADAME MEISHA: It's...... at the J.J. Cale Museum!
PEE WEE ULY: J.J. Cale Museum!
MADAME MEISHA: In the broom closet!
PEE WEE ULY: Thanks, I'll never forget you!
MADAME MEISHA: That'll be $500, bub!
(Pee Wee Uly takes to the road to hitchhike his way to the J.J. Cale Museum in Colorado Springs. A car stops to pick him up)
PEE WEE ULY: Thanks a million, I've been trying all day!
KILLER TOMATO: Name's KT.
PEE WEE ULY: I'm Pee Wee
RADIO GUY: The Tomato is armed and dangerous.....
KILLER TOMATO: (Switches the station to The Jefferson Starplane Channel) Let's not listen to the radio!
PEE WEE ULY: (Noticing the broken handcuffs) What did you do?
KILLER TOMATO: I lost my temper, took a knife and...... do you know those little "Be Kind, Please Rewind" tags they have on the backs of movie rentals? Well, I cut one off.... then didn't rewind the movie!
PEE WEE ULY: I always thought that was a dumb law! So, KT, what's it like in the big house?
KILLER TOMATO: You get to lift weights, watch TV, write up Lyrically Speaking games... (suddenly stops car) OUT!
PEE WEE ULY: It wasn't my fault! It was Rexer's fault!
KILLER TOMATO: I like you kid, I like you a lot. But you don't want to get mixed up with a guy like me. I'm a loner, a rebel. And besides, I've got to post answers and points before I get shivved. Arrivederci, baby!
(Pee Wee Uly is back out on the open road in the dark. He is soon picked up by an 18 wheeler)
PEE WEE ULY: Thanks. Some night, huh?
SKINNY MINI: On this very night...
...ten years ago...
...on this the same stretch of road...
...in a dense fog just like this...
...I saw the worst accident I ever seen.
There was this sound...
...like a garbage truck...
...dropped off
the Empire State Building.
And when they finally pulled
the Merry Man's body...
...from the twisted, burning wreck...
...it looked like this!
Spoiler
That was the worst accident...
...I ever seen.
PEE WEE ULY: I get off right up here.
SKINNY MINI: Have a nice day! And be sure and tell them Skinny Mini sent you!
(Pee Wee Uly eventually makes it to Colorado Springs and immediately makes tracks for the J.J. Cale Museum)
FANNY: Welcome to the J.J. Cale Historical Preservation Museum tour, sponsored by Capital One. I'm Fanny, and I'll be your guide.
PEE WEE ULY: Excuse me Fanny, but could we go straight to...
FANNY: Let's hold all questions about the man, the myth, the legend, Mr. Cale until after the tour, OK? Thank you.
Here we see the actual restroom stall in which J.J. was born in 1938.
And here is a wax model of our hero J.J. as he sits in an Oklahoma reform school for writing nasty lyrics on the wall at school!
And here's one of my favorite parts of the tour, the actual liquor store paper bag that J.J. wrote the lyrics to his megahit "Cocaine" on! When your day is done, and you wanna ride on..... say it with me...... Cocaine! Yay!!!11
J.J. wrote many of the songs you hear on teh radio today. He penned hits for everyone from Eric Clapton to P. Diddy. In fact, he has written exactly 9,736,733 songs that made it into the Billboard Top 40 chart, and I'm going to tell you all of them right now...
PEE WEE ULY: Please! Can you just tell me where the broom closet is?
FANNY: The broom closet? There is no broom closet at the J.J. Cale Museum! Ha!
(Pee Wee Uly runs out of the J.J. Cale Museum like a madman. He runs straight into a row of parked motorcycles outside of a bar and knocks them all over domino style. A mob of angry bikers grab him and haul him into the bar)
PEE WEE ULY: But I barely touched them!
BIKER NELLY: I say we kill him!
BIKER STARFISH: I say we hang him, then we kill him!
BIKER TBONE: I say we stomp him!
(YEAH!)
Then we tattoo him!
(YEAH!)
Then we hang him!
(YEAH!)
And then we kill him!
(YEAH!!!!!!)
PEE WEE ULY: I say we let him go!
(NO!!!!)
BIKER PEACOCK: I say you let me have him first!
PEE WEE ULY: Wait! Don't I get a last request?
PEE WEE ULY: I love that song! That's "Tequila by The Champs!"
BIKER KELLEY: That's pretty good, but do you know this one?
PEE WEE ULY: That's "Long Tall Glasses" by Leo Sayer! And that's "We Built This City" by Starship! And oooh! That's "Achy Breaky Heart" by Hannah Montana's dad!
Woohoo! I still haven't found my Avatar Genie®, but I can take my mind off of my loss by playing the Winter Lyrically Speaking beginning January 5th and hosted by my favorite squirrel lover in the world Littlebeast13!
And now, I need to visit the restroom... (annoying Pee Wee laugh)
