Airline Travel: The Next Generation

[Bob Juch]

Forwarded email:


Attendant: Welcome aboard U.S. Airways, sir. May I see your ticket?

Passenger: Sure.

Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!

Passenger: What for?

Attendant: For telling you where to sit.

Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.

Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy.

Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.

Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?

Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.

Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?

Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.

Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please.

Passenger: What?

Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.

Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.

Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit, And fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10.

Passenger: No way!

Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air
marshal -- and you really don't want me to do that.

Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?

Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.

Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this.

Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?

Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?

Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the Overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.

Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?

Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.

Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?

Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!

Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.

Attendant: Yes, there's a change-making fee of 25 cents.

Passenger: For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this?

Attendant: Hang onto it, it'll probably come in handy later.

Passenger (finally getting suspicious): What for?

Attendant: You may need it later for the lavatory.

[sunflower]

Very cute, although it would be cuter if it wasn't true!!

I am not looking forward to my US Air flight in a couple of weeks. Even though it's a business trip and they'll pay any fees, it's the principle of it!!!

[marrymeflyfree]

Attendant: Hang onto it, it'll probably come in handy later.

Passenger (finally getting suspicious): What for?

Attendant: You may need it later for the lavatory.

So sad, but true. I've been a bit appalled by all the new fees. TSA says no big liquids, so most folks have no choice but to check a bag - screwing the passengers who're flying the carriers who are now charging for the first checked bag. Can't bring your own bottle of juice or soda, and now USAirways charges $2 for all non-alcoholic drinks.

I wish everyone would just raise the damn fares already rather than nickel-and-dime for every little thing. These carriers can't rightly claim to be full-service airlines when they no longer provide any included amenities imo.

[ulysses5019]

This reminds me when I was in Paris in 1974. I went to a movie theater on the Left Bank. I paid for my ticket and an usher showed me to a seat (there were probably no more than 75 seats). I sat down and the usher just stood there next to me. Finally a patron sitting in the row behind me said that I had to tip the usher. I asked how much and he said a franc. So I did. I don't know if it's still like that but it was a bit embarrassing.

[marrymeflyfree]

Finally a patron sitting in the row behind me said that I had to tip the usher. I asked how much and he said a franc. So I did. I don't know if it's still like that but it was a bit embarrassing.

I've been in places where unofficial loo attendants hoard all the TP, and demand tips before giving it out. They were pissed when I pulled my own out of my bag.

[SportsFan68]

I've been in places where unofficial loo attendants hoard all the TP, and demand tips before giving it out. They were pissed when I pulled my own out of my bag.

We were warned that would happen in China, and sure enough -- at the Great Wall, the restrooms were free, but you had to pay the attendant a fee to get some toilet paper. It wasn't much, less than $1.00. Nobody in our group pulled out her own. That's the only place it happened to us.