Reading "It Shouldn't Happen: Light-Hearted African Adventures" by Kevin Robertson.
He was staying at his In-Laws when the following "Mother-In-Law/Elephant" adventure happened. I picked out the choice parts. I suspect that some,Ahem,physical evidence of his attraction to the Mother-In-Law may have arisen during the festivities.
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>>>I was sleeping fitfully out on the veranda on a camp bed, stark naked and with only a mosquito net over me. All of a sudden I was startled awake by what appeared to be a fireworks display.
I saw a large bull elephant standing in the garden. He had uprooted a tall mopane tree, and it had fallen across the overhead power lines.
Totally unconcerned by the electronic mayhem he had caused, the elephant casually backed away, and while I stood watching he coolly and effortlessly proceeded to uproot yet another tree.
I had only just pulled on a pair of boxer shorts when Margot, my mother-in-law, suddenly appeared at my side, dressed in nothing but a revealing and skimpy cotton nightdress. Into my hand, she thrust an empty Coca-Cola bottle. “Kevin, go chase that bloody elephant away before it destroys all the trees in the garden,” she ordered.
When Margot says jump, one only pauses long enough to ask how high, so, like a dutiful son-in-law, I advanced obediently but tentatively toward the elephant, armed with no more than a Coke bottle graciously provided by my skimpily clad mother-in-law. I was about ten paces away when, summoning maximum power, I pelted him in the ribs with the bottle!
As I should have known, the missile only irritated the animal. The now enraged bull whirled toward me, and with its ears back and its head down it charged. I, too, whirled and, like Ben Johnson on a full dose of steroids erupting from the starting block at the sound of the starter’s pistol, made a dash for safety … at least that was my intention. Instead, I crashed straight into dear, inquisitive Margot, who had been standing right behind me so as to observe the effects of my heroic attack!
Together we tumbled to the ground with a meaty thud— with me landing ingloriously right on top of my lightly clad, voluptuous, well-endowed mother-in-law! Desperately struggling to separate and extricate ourselves with the elephant, mind you, only paces away, we were alarmed to discover our respective limbs had became helplessly entwined. In those few action-packed seconds, we must have appeared to be giving a fairly convincing demonstration of what I believe Masters and Johnson referred to as the “missionary position”! A very unflattering and dangerous situation to be in, and for a moment I wasn’t sure who I was more afraid of— Margot or the elephant!
To our rescue came Neville(the Father-In-Law)— thanks be to the gods— who saved the day. There was a flash of blinding white light, accompanied by the high-pitched scream of an extremely angry bull elephant. While Margot and I scrambled most unceremoniously on our hands and knees to the safety of the buildings, the enraged bull stood stock-still only paces away. Sticking to his side was a brilliantly burning phosphorus flare!
Seeing our somewhat embarrassing predicament and realizing instantly that both Margot and I were actually in a terribly dangerous situation, Neville had reacted quickly by shooting the elephant in the side with his prized First World War relic: a Verey flare pistol! Primitive but effective, his swift response probably saved our lives.
We all breathed a huge sigh of relief, for it had been a close one, but … it took me some time before I could once again look my dear mother-in-law Maggie straight in the eye! The physical intimacy wrought by the charging elephant brought a new and awkward dimension to our relationship. I have, ever since that time, had a very healthy respect for all elephant and an enhanced fear of mothers-in-law in general!<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<