Scene: One hundred years after cataclysmic events forced humanity's escape from The Home For the Weary,
Nova Bored has become the BBs’ new home.
On the other side of the galaxy, The Home For the Weary, also known as The Bored,
is plagued by massive creatures called Goongas: blind, killer monsters that hunt by the smell of fear and have lived for
centuries off the remnants of old political and unread Observation posts.
Scene: This is legendary General Marley Raige,
now an inhabitant of Nova Bored,
After he returns from an extended tour of duty, all he wants to do is spend time with his wife, Tgirl…
Tgirl: How about a nice shower, Marley.
Marley: Not now!
…and young son, Mikey. Mikey dreams of one day being as brave as his father.
Scene: Marley shares with them his knowledge of the past
[Note: Near-actual dialogue alert!!]
Mikey: I've heard stories of The Bored. A cyberparadise. Until we destroyed it.
Marley: Our time on The Bored, for millennia, it was a consistent slow technological evolution but an
extraordinary event changed our course. We used the Morlock technology to make astronomical leaps.
But our unnatural acceleration was too much, causing us to destroy natural resources, ravaging our Bored
for own consumption. The Home For The Weary fought back. In 2014, forced to leave home, we found refuge
on Nova Bored. Now we are free to post as we wish and to play all the games we want, like Lyrically Speaking,
returning in August. All we have to do is deliver the list.
Mikey: But isn’t that just a shameless plug?
Marley: That’s why they’re called crappy promos, Mikey. Just go with it.
Scene: Marley and Mikey board a transport ship bound for a nearby galaxy.
The ship contains a captured Goonga as well as the list for the upcoming Lyrically Speaking
Scene: Marley explains why he is so awesome
Marley: The Goongas were sent to The Bored to eradicate the pestilent BBs. They hunt by the smell of fear in a
post, then they go in for the kill.
Mikey: You mean like a Bored Lawyer in a political thread?
Marley: Very similar, yes. Anyway, I learned to control my fear and I was free to post among the Goongas without
being noticed. I call the technique “ghosting”.
Mikey: Ghost-ing? Really? Why couldn’t be Krox-ing or Juch-ing or Melly-ing?
Marley: It’s ghosting. Don’t overthink it.
Mikey: So this ghosting thing means you annoyed the shit out of them until they went away, right?
Marley: No. They couldn’t sense me so I was able to destroy them.
Mikey: Wow, Dad, that is awesome. Someday I want to be awesome just like you. Too bad we’re stuck on this
boring ship in a boring galaxy. Nothing to do but listen your stories and ride it out. Boring, boring, boring…
Scene: Their ship is caught in a meteor shower and forced to enter a wormhole…
…and when they exit the ship crash lands on the nearest site.
Scene: The ship is severely damaged with the tail end of the ship landing many kilometers away
Marley is injured and confined to the wrecked aircraft…
…but he knows exactly where they landed.
Marley: Put your oxygen mask on.
Miley: What is this place?
Marley: Listen to me. Every single decision you make will be life or death. This is a class 1 quarantined Bored.
Everything here has evolved to kill BBs. Do you know where we are?
Mikey: No, sir.
Marley: This is The Bored. The Home for the Weary
Scene: Marley explains the situation to Mikey
Marley: This is us here. That is the tail, somewhere in this forum. It's approximately 100 kilometers from here.
We need that beacon. You understand? You are going to retrieve that beacon or we are going to die. Do you understand?
Get the beacon. Repeat what I just said to you.
Mikey: Something about...bacon.
Marley: Close enough. And don’t forget the Lyrically Speaking list. We need that, too.
Mikey: I know, I know. Crappy promo, blah blah blah.
Scene: With little time to waste, Mikey is on the move in search of the tail section. Marley monitors from the ship.
Mikey: What about the Goonga?
Marley: There're three possibilities. The first and most likely is that it died in the crash. The second and less likely is that it is
injured very badly and still contained. The third and least likely is that it is out. We will proceed, however, in anticipation of the
worst-case scenario. Every movement will be under protocol Escape and Evade. If he's out there... I will see him long before he
gets anywhere near you. Do you understand?
Mikey: Yes, sir.
Marley: Do exactly as I tell you and we will survive.
Mikey: Of course I’ll survive.
Marley: How can you be so sure? Because of my awesome warrior skills?
Mikey: No. There’s a whole generation of kids who think I’m the Karate Kid.
Marley: Good point
Scene: Marley makes a desperate call to his agent
Marley: Get me out of this turkey. I’m begging you.
This movie is all his fault.
Scene: Mikey sets off to find the missing LS list and the beacon and the bacon and battle his fears and save his dad and
get rescued (oops, didn’t mean to spoil it)
Marley: Are you scared.
Mikey: Yes.
[Note: Actual dialogue alert!!]
Marley: Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination,
causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity Mikey. Do not misunderstand me,
danger is very real, but fear is a choice. We are all telling ourselves a story and that day mine changed.
Mikey: Is that supposed to make me feel better?
Marley: No, not really. But I am a warrior and that’s how warriors speak. Plus, the whole story was my idea. Someone’s
got to own it.
Mikey: Better you than me.
Marley: What was that?
Mikey: Nothing.
Scene: Mikey takes a brief respite:
Marley: What are you doing?
Mikey: I’m Tebowing. I hear it’s all the rage.
Marley: That was so last year. Move it!
Mikey: Okay, okay.
Scene: Mikey treks on. Past dangerous subforums …
and the swampy remains of the chat room…
until the inevitable meet up with the Goonga
Marley: Show no fear, Mikey. Become a ghost.
Mikey: Are you sure you can’t pick another word?
Marley: Just do it, Mikey.
Mikey: No fear, No fear. No fear. Now what?
Marley: Watch his head. When he winks, you give him an uppercut. When he winks again you give him another.
Then go in for the kill.
Mikey: Are you sure that’s how you defeat him?
Marley: It worked in Mike Tyson’s Punch Out, it will work on a Goonga.
Scene: Mikey fights the dreaded Goonga…
then poses like a true warrior.
then realizes his oxygen level is perilously low…
Mikey: Oh shit!
Scene: Mikey finds the tail section…
And retrieves the beacon, the bacon and the Lyrically Speaking list
And heads back to his dad…
Scene: Now reunited,
Marley and Mikey send out the rescue beacon and summon the mother ship
Scene: One final scene together…
Marley: I knew you could do it, Mikey. You’ve saved August Lyrically Speaking. Now you get to host it!
Mikey: This is what the audience gets when we put our heads together
MrKelley hosts
August Lyrically Speaking
Starting Monday
