M. Bored Shyamalan Presents…The Lady on the Bored

[M. Bored Shyamalan]

Narrator: Once, man and those on the Bored were linked. They inspired us. They spoke of the future. Man listened and it became real. But man does not listen very well. Man's need to own everything led him deeper into land. The magic world of the ones that lived in cyberspace and the world of men separated. Through the centuries, their world and all the inhabitants of it stopped trying. The world of man became more violent. War upon war played out, as there were no guides to listen to.

Now those on the Bored are trying again — trying to reach us. A handful of their precious young ones have been sent into the world of man. They are brought in the dead of night — to where man lives. They need only be glimpsed — and the awakening of man will happen. But their enemies roam the land. There are laws that are meant to keep the young ones safe — but they are sent at great risk to their lives. Many do not return. Yet still they try — try to help man. But man may have forgotten how to listen.



Scene: Bored administrator Marley Heep thinks an uninvited guests has invaded a thread and goes to investigate...




He checks the Avatar Countdown thread and the latest College Football Bowl Mania thread…




…but finds nothing. He checks an old FNGD forum and finds the uninvited guest named Melly.




Marley: Who are you?

Melly: My name is Melly.

Marley: Where do you come from?

Melly: The Blue World



Marley: Is that another bored? Never heard of it.

Melly: [Looks up] Why is it suddenly raining?

Marley: It doesn’t make any sense. This can only mean one thing.




Melly: What’s that?

Marley: We’re stuck in a really bad promo.

Melly: What’s a promo?



Scene: Marley listens as Melly explains the future





Melly: A boy, in the midwest of this land, will grow up in a home where music is on the radio and the lyrics are spoken of often. He will grow up with these ideas in his head. He will grow into a great orator. He will post these lyrics and will be heard throughout this Bored. This boy will become a leader of this Bored and begin a movement of great change. He will speak of you and your words and your lyrics will be the seeds of many of his great thoughts. They will be the seeds of change.

Marley: So what you’re trying to say is that Lyrically Speaking Winter Extravaganza returns on January 6th, hosted by the one we call littlebeast




Melly: Yes, but I like my version better even though it’s gobbledy gook.

Marley: You catch on to this promo thing pretty quickly.


Scene: Melly realizes the source of Marley's troubles



Melly: Your thoughts are very sad. Most are of one night. A night a man entered your home when you were not there. He stole many things and killed your wife and children. That is when you stopped being happy. You were a doctor. I am very sorry for you. You believe you have no purpose. You help all that live here.

Marley: Actually, I've never been married or had kids. I wish I had a cool hook like that so maybe the producers of a certain game show would see how perfect I am and cast me. It would give me a purpose in life.



Melly: You have a purpose. All beings have a purpose.

Marley: Too bad this promo doesn't. Who writes this crap?



Random BB who happens to look like the director: I heard that!


Scene: More random BBs appear and discuss the arrival of the mysterious Melly (and spout near-actual dialog from a near-actual movie)



Ace: Marley is here. He has a friend. She's beautiful. She's not feeling too well... So she's resting in the chat room.

Ear: Why is she here? Why isn't she at his place?



Ace: Well, she got sick in the stairwell downstairs. She is wearing no clothes under his shirt. Blim-blam. Marley is a playa!

Ear: I'll bet he gets that a lot.


Scene: Marley realizes that an evil creature called an Esto is out to get Melly and he must protect her from it.




(Promo note: Unfortunately, no one can protect the reader from this snippet of near-actual dialogue)

Marley: I am scared. It is about to get very dangerous.




Random BB who happens to look like the director: Man thinks they are each alone in this world. It is not true. You are all connected. One act can one day affect all.


Marley: I'm sorry I couldn't protect you. Oh, I should have been there, I am always going to regret — just not being there. I miss your faces — how they remind me of God. I'm so lost without you guys. I met this very nice lady, and her name is Melly. I think you would have liked her. I think she might be... an Angel, because she has to go home. I love you all, I love you all so much.

Random BB who happens to look like the director: I think this promo guarantees a trophy for my trophy case!



Marley: That's it! I'm calling my agent. [Picks up phone] For the love of God, get me off this promo!





Scene: BBs from all over gather around and try to make sense of this promo (and spout more near real movie dialogue gibberish)



Ace: This Bored is about finding your purpose, right? And the only way is to find your own voice — you told us that. I don't feel like an interpreter. Is it possible that isn't my purpose? I don't see anything in these words — and I didn't before. Finding one's purpose is a profound thing. Sometimes it isn't always what it seems. What if these young men are not the guild? Look at what happened at the party. These things haven't seemed right since the beginning. Why are you so certain that I am the interpreter and they are the guild?

Marley: He was so sure.

Ace: What?

Marley: I asked someone, he acted like he knew.




Random Asian lady: What kind of BB would be so arrogant as to presume the intention of another human being? Who has put this young girl's life in jeopardy?

Ear: We can't just stand here playing make-believe. I wanted to believe, more than most. I wanted to be like a child again. I needed to believe there was something more than this awfulness around us, but at some point, we have to stop.




Random Asian lady: Ace, it's time we prove that some stories are real!

(Promo note: confused?...just wait)


Scene: Marley and Melly discuss her true purpose: she is Madam Beebs, true enemy of the Esto



Marley: You have to believe that this all makes sense somehow.

Melly: I don't know why I'm the Madam Beebs. I'm not special. I'm clumsy, they make fun of me. I don't know how to lead.



Marley: Do you get sick every time that you break a rule? Every time that you tell me something you shouldn't?

Melly: There is a storm coming. I am scared.

Marley: It's okay to be scared

Melly: I do not have courage. I do not want to be a Madam Beebs.

Marley: You do what you think is right. You are very brave. You were always meant to lead, Melly.



Melly: [Calling her agent] Please, I beg you. Get me off of this promo. I'll take another Duck Dynasty promo, instead. Anything, just get me out of here!


Scene: The Esto attacks the Bored and wounds Melly...



...although no one is quite sure why



They nurse her back to health…



...And Melly comes to the realization that she is in the worst movie (I mean promo) ever and that an eagle will somehow appear and take her out of this mess



Melly [to herself]: What were you thinking?


Scene: Hey, it's Ed McMahon and Carnac!




Ed: I hold in my hand, the final scene from this promo.

BBs everywhere: [applause]




Carnac: May your family trees reveal that you are all relatives of Bob Juch!




Famous Final Scene: Marley and Melly one last time



Marley: Tell me what happens when the eagle takes you back.

Melly: It is only what I have been told by others. They tell us that the Bored will line up and reveal we are on the right path, that the universe will give us signs.

And Lyrically Speaking Winter Extravaganza will return January 6th.

[christie1111]

I think Vandal started drinking WAY too early today!

[Beebs52]

Oh.My.Word. (that's omw in text speak, really)

This was stupendously awful. Just rank and stinky.

Loved it!

[Vandal]

Madam Beebs has spoken.

[SportsFan68]

Wow! I LOLed a couple times.

[MarleysGh0st]

How could I have had a leading role in this promo and still have no idea what was going on?



An eagle is taking Melly away?

I thought deus ex aquila only worked in the LOTR films.

[mellytu74]

Mother of God, what kind of fabulous Lyrically Speaking Winter Extravaganza promos are these?

I laughed!

I cried (from laughter)!

Thanks, Vandal!

[M. Bored Shyamalan]

Who?

I assume you mean your favorite Philadelphia-based film director.

Call me.

[MyBigFatFabulousBrain]

Narrator: Once, man and those on the Bored were linked. They inspired us. They spoke of the future. Man listened and it became real. But man does not listen very well. Man's need to own everything led him deeper into land. The magic world of the ones that lived in cyberspace and the world of men separated. Through the centuries, their world and all the inhabitants of it stopped trying. The world of man became more violent. War upon war played out, as there were no guides to listen to.[/quote]

Wow, that sounds a lot like how we got from Regis and ABC's finest hour to the cesspool that is Cedric's half hour comedy show. Something also tells me this may be the deepest thought I find in this entire stupid promo. I better go find my hip waders...


Now those on the Bored are trying again — trying to reach us. A handful of their precious young ones have been sent into the world of man. They are brought in the dead of night — to where man lives. They need only be glimpsed — and the awakening of man will happen.

This sounds like the opening paragraph to a story in Barely Legal... not that I would know anything about that publication, mind you.... it just ends up in my mailbox sometimes instead of my fat, ugly neighbor's...


But their enemies roam the land. There are laws that are meant to keep the young ones safe — but they are sent at great risk to their lives. Many do not return. Yet still they try — try to help man. But man may have forgotten how to listen.

Man will listen when Chris Hansen asks them to have a seat over there....


Scene: Bored administrator Marley Heep thinks an uninvited guests has invaded a thread and goes to investigate...



Marley thinks he's smart enough to get on a game show, yet he's using a flashlight in the daytime. I sent you that solar powered flashlight as a JOKE, dude...


He checks the Avatar Countdown thread and the latest College Football Bowl Mania thread…



Jesus H. Christ, Shyamalamadingdong, couldn't you find any screenshots that actually fit on the screen? Somewhere out there, A WTVT® just exploded...


…but finds nothing. He checks an old FNGD forum and finds the uninvited guest named Melly.



Damn, Melly, I thought you knew better than to ever work with this loser again. You keep appearing in shitty promos and your career will go down the toilet faster than a dead goldfish. Just look what happened to Uly.... haven't heard from him lately, have you? Check Bored Promo Rehab....


Marley: Who are you?

Melly: My name is Melly.

Marley: Where do you come from?

Melly: The Blue World



The chick with the orange hair, orange shirt, orange face, and eyes that have less color than Vanilla Ice is from The Blue World? Yeah, that makes a hell of a lot of sense. I have old sepia photos of my great grandfather Brain that have more blue in them than this Melly chick has in her...


Marley: Is that another bored? Never heard of it.

Melly: [Looks up] Why is it suddenly raining?

Marley: It doesn’t make any sense. This can only mean one thing.



Or maybe you are in Kalamazoo, where the weather is always fucked up...


Melly: What’s that?

Marley: We’re stuck in a really bad promo.

Melly: What’s a promo?

That was close.... I nearly got killed when the fourth wall just came tumbling down on me...


Scene: Marley listens as Melly explains the future



As long as Shyambala and his braindead cronies continue pumping out utter sewage like this to promote these dumbass Bored games, there will be no future to explain...


Melly: A boy, in the midwest of this land, will grow up in a home where music is on the radio and the lyrics are spoken of often. He will grow up with these ideas in his head. He will grow into a great orator. He will post these lyrics and will be heard throughout this Bored. This boy will become a leader of this Bored and begin a movement of great change. He will speak of you and your words and your lyrics will be the seeds of many of his great thoughts. They will be the seeds of change.

This boy needs to be sent to Guantanamo Bay... or maybe just shot. On sight....


Marley: So what you’re trying to say is that Lyrically Speaking Winter Extravaganza returns on January 6th, hosted by the one we call littlebeast



Thanks for the translation of that dissertation, dumbass. Any way we can get that in hand gestures for the hearing repaired?


Melly: Yes, but I like my version better even though it’s gobbledy gook.

Marley: You catch on to this promo thing pretty quickly.

It doesn't take long to learn how to be criminally annoying...


Scene: Melly realizes the source of Marley's troubles



Maybe the source of his troubles are your fungus infested feet. Or perhaps a little douche is in order. Are you even wearing any panties under that shirt? We don't need a cameo appearance by Mike Hunt...


Melly: Your thoughts are very sad. Most are of one night. A night a man entered your home when you were not there. He stole many things and killed your wife and children. That is when you stopped being happy. You were a doctor. I am very sorry for you. You believe you have no purpose. You help all that live here.

Marley: Actually, I've never been married or had kids. I wish I had a cool hook like that so maybe the producers of a certain game show would see how perfect I am and cast me. It would give me a purpose in life.



Way to fucking go, Madame Cleo. You've got the boringest guy on the planet sitting next to you, and you still can't get a read on him. Maybe you should try reading my mind... only you better have a bookmark with you, because it may take a while. And no dog-earring my lobes, dammit!


Melly: You have a purpose. All beings have a purpose.

Marley: Too bad this promo doesn't. Who writes this crap?



Probably the same hack who wrote Fifty Shades of Ass. Not that I'm familiar with that publication, either....


Random BB who happens to look like the director: I heard that!

I didn't think this guy was still around....

http://wwtbambored.com/memberlist.php?m ... ile&u=4569


Scene: More random BBs appear and discuss the arrival of the mysterious Melly (and spout near-actual dialog from a near-actual movie)



Ace: Marley is here. He has a friend. She's beautiful. She's not feeling too well... So she's resting in the chat room.

Ear: Why is she here? Why isn't she at his place?



I don't even know what to say here... except that the lady in the bottom right corner of the picture is holding a Mainstays Butterfly mop that can be bought from Mecca between the Suavitel and the Fabuloso...


Ace: Well, she got sick in the stairwell downstairs. She is wearing no clothes under his shirt. Blim-blam. Marley is a playa!

Ear: I'll bet he gets that a lot.

Don't you two have real work to do? There is obviously no real work going on here....


Scene: Marley realizes that an evil creature called an Esto is out to get Melly and he must protect her from it.



Esto is only after Melly because she is one oversized shirt away from being a barenaked lady...


(Promo note: Unfortunately, no one can protect the reader from this snippet of near-actual dialogue)

Marley: I am scared. It is about to get very dangerous.



Random BB who happens to look like the director: Man thinks they are each alone in this world. It is not true. You are all connected. One act can one day affect all.

I used to think 1000aire was the best thing we ever sent back to the Jeopardy board, but now I'm thinking it may have been this barandall guy...


Marley: I'm sorry I couldn't protect you. Oh, I should have been there, I am always going to regret — just not being there. I miss your faces — how they remind me of God. I'm so lost without you guys. I met this very nice lady, and her name is Melly. I think you would have liked her. I think she might be... an Angel, because she has to go home. I love you all, I love you all so much.

Random BB who happens to look like the director: I think this promo guarantees a trophy for my trophy case!



That's too shiny. How about the Leaky Douchebag Award?


Marley: That's it! I'm calling my agent. [Picks up phone] For the love of God, get me off this promo!



That's what you get for going to California, dumbass! In no time, you start acting like the locals and doing stupid shit like appearing in anything for money or bragging about the weather...


Scene: BBs from all over gather around and try to make sense of this promo (and spout more near real movie dialogue gibberish)



This picture looks like a bad real-life game of Guess Who. Does your person look like they have mental issues? Yes? (Flips entire board down)


Ace: This Bored is about finding your purpose, right? And the only way is to find your own voice — you told us that. I don't feel like an interpreter. Is it possible that isn't my purpose? I don't see anything in these words — and I didn't before. Finding one's purpose is a profound thing. Sometimes it isn't always what it seems. What if these young men are not the guild? Look at what happened at the party. These things haven't seemed right since the beginning. Why are you so certain that I am the interpreter and they are the guild?

Someone has been hanging around Melly... or maybe you just have Tourettes...


Marley: He was so sure.

Ace: What?

Marley: I asked someone, he acted like he knew.




Random Asian lady: What kind of BB would be so arrogant as to presume the intention of another human being? Who has put this young girl's life in jeopardy?

There are a lot of arrogant BB's on this Bored. I'd start with everyone named Bob....


Ear: We can't just stand here playing make-believe. I wanted to believe, more than most. I wanted to be like a child again. I needed to believe there was something more than this awfulness around us, but at some point, we have to stop.

If there was anything out there other than this awfulness, I'm sure it's long since died a horrific, yet merciful death after all of this bad improv acting...





Random Asian lady: Ace, it's time we prove that some stories are real!

(Promo note: confused?...just wait)

I'm not confused, just pissed off. I didn't buy a ticket for this dreck, yet I still feel like I should demand a full refund...


Scene: Marley and Melly discuss her true purpose: she is Madam Beebs, true enemy of the Esto



I thought Marley quit. I should have known better for someone of his despicable taste...


Marley: You have to believe that this all makes sense somehow.

Melly: I don't know why I'm the Madam Beebs. I'm not special. I'm clumsy, they make fun of me. I don't know how to lead.



No, you are very special indeed. So is everyone who is responsible for this promo, as well as their immediate families, employers, affiliates, and random strangers they have met who didn't have the good sens to bump them off...


Marley: Do you get sick every time that you break a rule? Every time that you tell me something you shouldn't?

Melly: There is a storm coming. I am scared.

Marley: It's okay to be scared

Melly: I do not have courage. I do not want to be a Madam Beebs.

Marley: You do what you think is right. You are very brave. You were always meant to lead, Melly.

If you had any respect left at all for the acting profession, you would lead this cast of idiots right off the set and over the nearest cliff. Don't be afraid of the long drop off, be brave!





Melly: [Calling her agent] Please, I beg you. Get me off of this promo. I'll take another Duck Dynasty promo, instead. Anything, just get me out of here!

How about we take the bearded buttmunches over the rocks with you and the Shyamwow gang?


Scene: The Esto attacks the Bored and wounds Melly...



...although no one is quite sure why

Nor does anybody care.




They nurse her back to health…


Male nurses... wonderful. I think this was in the July issue of Hustler.... not that I'm familiar with that publica.... OK, fine! I READ FILTH FOR THE ARTCLES!!! There, I said it...


...And Melly comes to the realization that she is in the worst movie (I mean promo) ever and that an eagle will somehow appear and take her out of this mess



Melly [to herself]: What were you thinking?

You weren't. And someone from Philly should know better than to get involved in lousy shit like this. You'll be ducking batteries and cups of beer for the rest of your life every time you leave the house...


Scene: Hey, it's Ed McMahon and Carnac!



The Carson and McMahon estates will sue the producer of this film for everything they are worth, which probably wouldn't even buy a can of Alpo...


Ed: I hold in my hand, the final scene from this promo.

BBs everywhere: [applause]




Carnac: May your family trees reveal that you are all relatives of Bob Juch!



That may not be a fate worse than having to watch this entire promo to the end...


Famous Final Scene: Marley and Melly one last time



Marley: Tell me what happens when the eagle takes you back.

Melly: It is only what I have been told by others. They tell us that the Bored will line up and reveal we are on the right path, that the universe will give us signs.

The only signs the universe will be giving you two puppet show rejects involve one extended finger...


And Lyrically Speaking Winter Extravaganza will return January 6th.

That's a clever way to make a shitty thing like LSWE seem a little less shitty... precede it by this unwatchable diarrhea that probably singlehandedly sent more BB's running for cover than the revival of the global warming thread. I won't be playing, I won't be watching, and I certainly won't be looking forward to any more Shyamadumbass productions ever appearing on this Bored again. I will be vomiting very shortly, however, and it will undoubtedly be more colorful than Melly's hair...

Nihil Obstat®

[SportsFan68]

LOL again!